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Author Topic: My boyfriend and I kept arguing then broke up. HELP?
runway_75
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Ok so my bf and I been dating for 5 months (until yesterday).. Everything was very sweet, nice,and smooth at the beginning. 2 months later we started engaging into arguments over the littlest things, but most of our arguments is him being insanely jealous when it comes to my guy friends who msgs me on facebook day and night especially RANDOM dudes who I don't even know, who tries to flirt with me. Everytime, I log onto my facebook account he's always around when, I'm on it like... One night I was checking my msgs and my inbox were like full of unread msgs from alot guys and most of the msgs read "Wassup", or "What's good sexy" or "you got a man"..he sees all of this and gets totally upset and I keep telling him that I don't know who they are and it causes an argument. Plus we have very different point of views on certain things. We have ALOT in common, but there's some things that we just don't agree on which causes more arguments. 2 weeks ago he broke up with me cause he feels that he's always hurting me when we argue (even though it does), but I get over it, and he hates arguing with me and I feel the same way about him. On that same day he came back to my house telling me that he couldn't go through with it and he wants to try again. Everything goes great until 2 days later we're at it again [Frown] Ever since that day we've been fighting over dumb sh** and I really wanted it to stop. When I was at his house one night, I asked to use his laptop he said okay and i logged onto my FB cause Ii wanted to show him something that a guy has sent me. And the guy that msged me kept calling me baby, babe, etc throughout the msg and I told him that I have a dude already and I dont feel comfortable. When I showed him that he got real quiet and rolled his eyes and said why do these guys keep thirsting over you. Then a friend of mines who's a guy msg me saying whats up and i replied back saying sup, 2minutes later he replied saying "Lol when we gonna smash?" And im like WTF? And my BF of course saw it then got angry and we started arguing again. I also delete/block guys who sends me flirty msgs as well. I showed him that one msg to him that time so that he'll know that I'm not flirting or that I'm not doing him wrong. I like to tell him every thing and i dont hide stuff from him. [Frown] This past Thursday we had yet another hit and run, but he apologized the next day he sent me a longggg msg saying how much he loves me and that he's going to do right and I believed every word of it..*sighs* Then yesterday (which was our anniversary) I told him happy 5 months with a smiley face and he told me the same, but with no emotion and he kept one wording me all morning and kept asking whats wrong. Finally when I asked him again he said that he feels the relationship is dying and that he doesnt want to make me cry or hurt me anymore and that he feels selfish and that I deserve better and said that he wants to be by himself for now and I was really hurt and confused by it. I really love him and even though things were getting out of hand, I still wanted to be by his side. I'm not clingy or anything, but he's so fun to be around with even though he can get on my nerves every 5 secs.I am also his 2nd girlfriend. His last GF treated him badly by cheating on him. And of course, I've been cheated on as well in the past. Idk if he does, but I sometimes think that he thinks that I'll do the same to him and I would never hurt him. Why cheat on someone when you BOTH been in the same boat? I could never ever do that to him or anyone else

We were also the best of friends for 2years and we're both 19..He's a very sweet, funny, and sincere guy, and he cares about me so much and also buys me little things that I need and he does it without asking... I really dont want to let things go. We really love each other to death, but we're always arguing over something little and I kept praying that things will change. What should I do? And please don't tell me to move on or dont wait... I really love him and he means a lot to me.. Sorry that this took wayyyy too long but I seriously don't know what I should do? Thank you <3

Posts: 20 | From: Locust Grove, Ga | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Let's try this: can you tell me what you love about this relationship in the present?

Not what it was like when it was brand new, in the first month or two (when pretty much all relationships will be easily awesome and feel easy).

Over, let's say, the last couple months, what do you love about it? What do you think makes it really awesome? How does it make both of you happy? How does it enrich your lives? How does it make you feel great about yourself? What makes this seem like something with promise to you, in the last couple months?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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(Also, when you reply, can you make sure to include some paragraph breaks, please? Your first post in this thread was incredibly hard to read without them. Thanks!)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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runway_75
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Well at the beginning of March things were still smooth I guess..until we kept doing dry sex and I kept getting paranoid about being pregnant haha...and I'm guessing that's when it all started. He got upset and yelled at me telling me that it's not possible to get pregnant that way and idk...

I felt realllyyy embarrassed by it cause I kept acting like a kid about it and it really pissed him off, but afterwards he would say he was sorry for the way he acted but I didn't blame him cause I was being a pain in the butt.

But during March, we would hangout every weekend, go out sometimes, or go to each other's house and have fun [Smile] he would also send me cute goodmorning msgs every morning before I wake up. Plus he would always be there for me and take care of me like any BF would

He took me to the hospital because I had these weird upper abdomen pains that were really bugging me and I was also on my period as well and for 7 whole hours in the waiting room he was comforting and holding my hand telling that I'm going to be okay, and turns out I had extremely low potassium.

Beginning of April was okay I guess. For our 4 month anniversary he took me to Stone Mtn. Park for the Laser show and it was very fun and romantic [Smile] , but then a week later he told me that him and his family were moving soon to Cobb county and that we were going to be 2 hours away and I got mad and had a bad attitude about it which caused an argument and we almost broke up then...
3 days later when he picked me up for work he seemed a bit off. I kept asking him what was wrong and he kept getting annoyed and said nothing! everythings fine. Before I went in for work we sat in the parking lot because I had a few mins and then we solved everything..but then when he picked me up he was doing the same thing again and we got into it again and almost everyday last month we kept getting into it and it hurts us both. We love and care for another, I just want to know what keeps triggering his mind to keep breaking things off or trying to run away from his feelings. I want to be there for him to work things out but he always tells me that he wants to solve it on his own and he's been a bit rude lately but I know he doesnt mean it cause of his anger >_<

Posts: 20 | From: Locust Grove, Ga | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
runway_75
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What i also loved about our relationship is that whenever i'm in a jam or something he always bails me out. Even when, im not feeling or looking my best he always tell me that im beautiful regardless or despite what I think about muself. He's also very protective of me and he makes me feel safe when he's around me. When, i met the rest of his family (cousins, aunt, grandparents) he said that I'm to part of his family and that ill always be.

He's very sincere, sweet, headstrong,and he makes me feel special...when I'm with him it's like i have peace with the whole world..he takes me out on romantic dates and he always offers to pay

He's very kind and nurturing, always putting himself before others and helping people out as well. We may fight and argue, but of course there will be times when we have those moments, but i'm still willing to be there for him whatever the situation might be... I love him so very much and the way I feel for him will never ever change..

Posts: 20 | From: Locust Grove, Ga | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
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Did you two ever resolve the question of what sexual activity you were comfortable with? It sounds like there was a pattern there that kept repeating itself but I don't get a good sense of whether you and he reached any compromises.

I'm hearing a lot of the practical and emotional things he does for you that you like, but I'm not getting a good sense for what part you play in this relationship. What do you feel you bring to the relationship?

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Robin

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runway_75
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Whenever he's sad about anything I comfort him. The 1st and last that I've seen him cry is when he was in my room. He was having a stressful break down and I sat there holding him and telling him that things will be okay and giving him advice basically making him feel better.
I send him msgs sometimes on how he makes me feel.

I've also helped him reconcile a friendship with a lady friend of his. She was a bit mad when he told her that we're dating and she said that she doesn't want to get in the way of things and that she doesn't want to be his friend anymore, but I solved it by talking to her a month later telling her that your friendship is very important to him and he doesn't want to loose that bond that you guys have and that you guys shouldn't break that bond because of me and 2 weeks later they became friends again.

I also cooked dinner for him: I made homemade lasagna, salad, and garlic bread... We also had a candle lit dinner. I placed two candles in the middle of my kitchen table and we used champagne glasses, the works. And after that we watched a movie together.

I'm very considerate. When he wants to buy me things or offers to buy me things I tell him it's okay you should save your $, I'll get what I need next time and he always insists that he does get what I need.

I love making him happy and putting a smile on his face when he's having a ruff day. I'm very affectionate, I like kissing him and holding him every 5 secs lol along with cuddling up to him and I joke alot with him sometimes, but sometimes he takes it seriously so I just stopped with the clowning around cause we sometimes have little arguments about it

I am very honest and I don't like hiding things from him cause I do believe in things from your past will haunt your future. I tell him what happened in my past and everything. 2 months ago someone had given me a Valentine bear and I was really confused by it. The person who has given me the bear was a friend of mine from high school and he's a guy. I brought the bear home and I told my boyfriend about it and he was very confused by it as well.

I am also supportive on what he does. He had some weight issues in school, and ever since then he's been shedding it off. He was 260lbs now he's 195lbs and he's buying all of these clothes that he couldnt wear and he looks really great [Smile] I've excsericed with him before and he's a very motivated guy

We have also resolved the sexual activity that we always do: I told him that I was being silly about being pregnant and that you cant prego by dry humping and that I apologized and that was a month and a half ago I believe so in that department we're doing great.

Plus there's nobody that I rather spend the day with but him. I'm not clingy, but I enjoy his company. I'm also very concerned about his safety especially while he's driving. Before we started dating he would txt while driving and I always tell him that you shouldn't do that cause it's dangerous and that it's the law and ever since then he has not picked up his phone to txt while driving. Sometimes when im out with him, I get home very late like around 1 AM sometimes 2 AM and after he drops me off I get really nervous about him being on the road late and befor Ii would go in I'd always say "Babe pls, msg me when you get in, and he promises that he does and he always does :)and I would pray for him while he's out driving because, he means so alot to me and I'd be devastated if something were to happen..

Posts: 20 | From: Locust Grove, Ga | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
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Okay, so where do things stand right now?

Do I have it right that he broke up with you this last time and has said to you he wants to be by himself?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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runway_75
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Yes [Frown] he said that he doesn't want to keep hurting me and that I deserve better...but he's what I need. We may fight and argue, but not all relationships are perfect even when we try to make it be.
There's going to be rainy and sunny days throughout a relationship. I've spoken to several of my guy friends about it and they were very shocked that we broke up cause everyone expected us to go on and beyond. They told me when things gets ruff try and settle it out 1st and try compromising. They also said take the good out of the relationship and cover the bad and continue running.

He feels that he's wasting my time and that he doesn't deserve me cause of the stress he goes through and that we have alot in common, but we have different point of views on a few things. He keeps saying it's not my fault, but I know that I haven't been perfect myself. I've been trying my best to fix things and to continue on being there for him, but lately he's been saying that I want to do it myself or that I don't need anyones help. Plus we havent seen each other in a week and a half because I've been extremely busy lately with work and studying for the ASVAB to get into the coast guards...

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Heather
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Okay.

So, first things first, you need to accept the line he's drawn. In other words, he broke up with you, and pushing back isn't okay to do to anyone. When someone breaks up with us, whether we like it or not, agree or not, we have to just accept that.

Now, maybe like last time, he comes back at some point and asks about getting back together. If that happens, and it's something you want or want to consider, I'd say that you look at all you've typed here and have some Very Big Talks first.

talks about how much sense you two make together. Talks about the strengths of your relationship, as you see them -- the things you like, feel good, and think are healthy -- and then the challenges or weaknesses. talks about how you're going to work on resolving those conflicts moving forward. talks about what each of you wants from this relationship.

And then you both decide if it seems sound to try again.

But in the meantime, you do just have to accept that breakup, and personally, I'd advise focusing on that and moving forward, rather than waiting for this guy to come back around. In all honestly, while I understand that this has been very meaningful to you, and clearly there have been some good times, it really sounds like dating isn't a good fit for the two of you at all, and like this really hasn't been the most awesome thing of ever, you know?

By all means, all relationships will have strengths and weaknesses. But when it feels more hard than easy, especially so early on -- as in, not years in, but only months in, that usually is because there's just a mismatch, or the timing is off, or people are too different, want different things, etc. Things we likely can't get past or work out in order to be in something great. We also can't, like your friend say, just ignore the bad stuff and focus on the good stuff: that's not the way to create and nurture healthy relationships, and it also doesn't work unless people are just really tuning out (which obviously we can't be doing if we want to be truly connecting).

But obviously, it gets to be up to you if you hang on to this and, should he come back around and ask about trying again, if you do or not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68237 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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