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Author Topic: Guarded LDR relationship
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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Hello,

Background: I recently started communicating with this guy online and have entered something of a relationship (also it's interracial). I haven't been in a relationship in years. He lives across country and we haven't visited each other yet. But we both say that we want to. There is a 3 hr. time difference between us. I'm on the east coast and he on the west.

So We've been "talking/flirting" since the end of last year and now it is almost May. We aren't labeled as bf/gf, but as far as I know, we have been getting pretty serious even without labels. And it feels like we are getting to one. I find him super attractive (an I am usually never visually attracted to anyone I am in relationships with. I see strangers that I find attractive occasionally, but it's not too often). I do think that this is somewhat interesting and special because I do find him attractive. He is also really sweet. Loves calling me pet names and just saying that he cares for me, etc. He sent me a gift for V-day, and it was an adorable surprise. I find myself falling for him and even though I know many view online/Long Distance Relationships as kooky or impossible. I can't deny that something intrigues me about him.

At first I was kinda timid to get close to him, but he told me to give us a chance. Now he seems to be singing another tune. I asked him one night why doesn't he find a girl closer to him? I had texted to him in a fairly joking manner. I didn't expect his answer, but he said "idk lol, you?" So I said something along the lines of, "You're a special person, and I think it's worth seeing what becomes of this." But I couldn't help but be very disturbed by his response. So we talked about it. I cried a lot, but he says he wants to keep working on it even though he's unsure about why he wants to be with me. He does reiterate that he cares about me, adores me, finds me sexy, blah blah...but I don't know... it's giving me doubts.

I feel like I'm falling for a stranger or fantasy of someone. And I feel like he might be using me as a fantasy as well. He is super guarded with everything. He won't talk about his family, friends, co-workers. Nothing! He only wants to go to sleep together at night. He says he likes listening to my voice and falling asleep together. He normally only wants to talk at night, because he said he is busy during the day and a "slave to his obligations." When we do have conversations they are amazing. We talk about certain books and popular culture like movies. And sometimes we discuss racial issues as we enjoy discussing interracial relations etc.

He called me the other night and said that he cares about me and wants me in his life. That he likes how I am and how attractive I am. That he doesn't want to hurt me, etc. Then he told me to call him later.

That same night only a few hours later, I tried to start a conversation. So I asked him what his best friend is like. He clammed up super quick and only said, "Oh, we haven't been feeling each other lately" or something. The only thing he said was that, she's a girl. He didn't want to discuss anything else. I asked him about his family... he clams up. I just know he has a family. I don't know what his parents do for jobs, if he likes his sibling, nothing! That's it. Any relationship past, present, or even how he sees us in the future, he refuses to discuss. He will get quiet and not answer or he will make a joke. He says he doesn't like discussing other relationships with people. I get it--> that it can be dangerous to tell everyone all the details of every relationship you have and all your problems. That's true. But I know NOTHING!!! He hasn't said more about himself than he would a stranger standing in line behind him at a movie. He actually said that, "Well, you know when you meet a stranger and you have no reason to lie to them. Well, I also think you have no reason to tell the truth." Is that a red flag? Are there several I'm not seeing?

I'm confused... I said, "but I'm not a stranger or do you think of me as one?" he said no... so I was more confused. He doesn't ask me a lot of serious questions about myself. I think this is because he doesn't want me to ask him those questions. He says that's not true though, that he is usually in his own thoughts or imagination. So I asked if he could share that. But more clamming up.

I feel that he doesn't trust me or something. I mean, I'm always telling him funny stories about my mom or siblings or friends. Projects I work on in school. Different strange or funny or sad things that happen to me during the day. I even confided in him after a long time about my sexual assault recently. I don't think that made him guarded as he was like that before.

What could be going on? I like him a lot... but part of me is reluctant to say that because how can I like someone I don't even know. I'm frustrated with him and this situation. I have issues myself with "giving up" on relationships and "letting go" of people. I do create a fantasy world for myself. And that made me afraid to continue pursuing something with him, but after his reassurance, I have been trying to embrace him. Also, I really do feel something for him. My heart gets warm when I talk to him. I get excited when he does call. I love reading his texts and the pictures he sends me. It's the first I've felt in a long time, but maybe I'm fooling myself.

It feels as if he's suiting up for a battle in a war, but I didn't get the memo to wear armor. I feel like I should be more guarded with him because he is with me, but then how can we know each other? Especially at this distance. Isn't it even more important to talk/skype/text in an LDR usually?

Thank you for any insight you may have!

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI DreamCatches,

It sounds, to me, like you and he might both be wanting different things from this. I can't say what he wants, because I don't live in his head, but it doesn't sound like it's what you want, which is to get closer, develop a romantic relationship that would go beyond your nightly conversations, etc.

I would also say to trust your instincts. If your instincts are telling you that something isn't right here, then they're probably on target. Something "not right" doesn't have to mean that he is a bad or dangerous person. It might mean something more like he's not on the same page at you are, or he's not a good fit for *you* or, again, that he's just not looking for the same things you are, and that having you "in his life" means something different than it means for you.

I'm not clear from this: Do you and he have specific plans to meet each other?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
Neophyte
Member # 48877

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We don't have concrete definite plans to see each other. I guess for money reasons. I have so many thoughts running through my head. Part of me does say something isn't right. But I also can't deny that I am starting to care about him. And I guess it's been more prevalent lately where people are meeting online or having LDRs and them working successfully.

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
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Member # 101745

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From what you're saying, it does sound like the two of you are maybe coming at this differently. It's ok to really only want to have surface-level conversations, without asking or sharing a lot of deeper personal information, but I would certainly have a hard time keeping up a relationship in the face of that.

It is absolutely possible for relationships that start online or other LDRs to be successful! I know folks who have done and are doing this and are pretty happy with how things work out. But I think long-distance relationships, if they're going to succeed, require a huge amount of communication to make sure people's needs are being met and both people are on the same page. I know you say above that you aren't "officially" boyfriend and girlfriend, but have you ever had a specific conversation about being in a relationship?

There's certainly no reason you couldn't ask him how he feels about this and what sort of relationship he's interested in at the moment. It sounds like the two of you may be overdue for a discussion about exactly what's happening.

Posts: 1316 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
DreamCatches
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Member # 48877

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Okay, thank you so much! I just finished having a conversation with him about it. I felt so bad and thought I must be strange because it's still somewhat taboo for the online/LDR. I know it can be hard, and you're right, Molias, I think that it will require huge amounts of communication.

He asked me in the conversation about being bf/gf (both asking if I want to and my opinion about it) and I told him that I'd like to, but need to know more about him and vice versa. I said that I'd rather be just friends with him if that is more where it needs to be right now until we are more of the same page and he is comfortable to share more with me. I want him to know I'm not a threat and I don't need to know all his deep dark secrets, but I can't be with a stranger too and I refuse to be a secret part of someone's life. And to me private and secret can be similar, but they aren't the same exactly.

Anyway, I feel better about the situation and I'm working on being able to let relationships go that aren't right for me at the time, etc. It's been a climb for me.

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Think of me, when you're out, when you're out there...

Posts: 34 | From: Georgia | Registered: Sep 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I'm glad you were able to talk to him about the situation; it sounds like that was a productive converstaion.

That's a really good point about "private" and "secret" being different! I know some folks who are not particularly likely to talk about a lot of personal things, but with them I still don't generally feel like they're hiding things from me.

Posts: 1316 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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