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Author Topic: Seeking knowledge and clarity on Pre-cum scare
Toddbauer1234
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Hello Scarleteen,
First of all, I would like to thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the knowledge and advice that is given on this website. It really is a great tool for people like me to seek knowledge from, and you guys do a seriously awesome job of presenting it.

Anyways, I'm posting this because I have questions about precum, pregnancy, and something that I've been worrying about. Let's just get this one out of the way.. I'm extremely worried about my girlfriend being pregnant. Yes, I have read your guidelines, you're revised guidelines, and every single other piece of information I could find on this website, including the pregnancy scared article. But I still haven't found something to soothe my soul.. And let me apologize in advance for any obscene language/too much information moments. On march 24th, me and my girlfriend were engaging in sexual activities. It's set in stone that we will not ever have sex or do anything oral, but from time to time other things happen. On this particular day she gave me a hand job, then I touched the tip of my penis (with either my thumb or pointer finger) then a few minutes later I fingered her. Her last period started march 8th. That puts us about 16 days after. (which is pretty much the middle of her cycle) basically, I am wondering if there is any reason for me to be stressed out, because as you guys have said, worrying solves nothing. Can a pregnancy happen from Pre-ejaculatory fluid being transferred from a finger to potentially another finger, then a vagina?

I do consider myself partially knowledgable on this whole subject because I have done quite alot of research and pregnancy, precum, and all that other lovely stuff.. So I do not know what compelled me to touch myself then finger her, it was one of my rather dumber moments. But is there any reason to think that she is pregnant? I have been patiently awaiting the start of her period and it was due yesterday or today, but nada. That is why I decided to post. Also, I do plan on buying a pregnancy test if her period doesn't come within a week. Any reply or knowledge that one of you lovely people could share would be very much appreciated. Thanks a million!

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Heather
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Hi, Todd: thanks for the lovely thank you!

quote:
Can a pregnancy happen from Pre-ejaculatory fluid being transferred from a finger to potentially another finger, then a vagina?
So, if you've read all our material on pregnancy risks, then you already know that no, this is not at all likely. Is it impossible? No, we can't say that. However, pregnancy from pre-ejaculate with direct contact, like when it happens during intercourse, at most probably only poses around a 4% in one year risk of pregnancy, as that's the estimated perfect use effectiveness rate of withdrawal. With the risk being that low with intercourse, perhaps you can understand better why what you're describing isn't at all likely to result in a pregnancy.

Moving forward from this scare, though, it really is best to wash your hands before touching someone else's genitals. That's really about preventing infections, including bacterial infections, not just STIs, but it also can help you not even worry about things like you are right now.

(Btw, noticed you're a baseball fan in the midwest: who's your team of choice? [Smile] )

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Toddbauer1234
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Seriously you guys are the best! I definately wasnt expecting such a speedy response, but once again you guys go above and beyond.

Anyways, thank you. I will definately wash my hands with soap and warm water and go back to my elementary days and sing the ABC's while washing them. Secondly, that 4 percent chance is reassuring but what if we happen to be part of the 4,000 out of 100,000 that this happens to each year? Granted that is with sex, this still probably happens. I apologize for being your stereotypical over worried teenager, but this whole potential pregnancy has really given my mind a run for it's money. Any other reassuring facts you can offer?

And sadly, I am stuck loving the Brewers.. Sometimes I wish I could move past that but I always find myself rooting for them, and most of the time, the disappoint.. It's a tough life [Razz]

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Heather
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Hey, I grew up with the Cubs: I feel you, buddy. [Smile]

Well, you won't be part of that 4% in one year because you weren't having intercourse. The effectiveness rates for birth control methods are figured for folks having penis-in-vagina intercourse.

And with good reason, since again, when people aren't having genital intercourse or something very, very close to it, like naked genital-to-genital rubbing? People aren't getting pregnant.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Haha! In all honesty, Cubs fans are probably some of the best fans in the world if they can put up with what the cubs do!

And, okay, that does make sense. I really do wish schools would teach the truth like you guys do.. Oh and the 4 percent, you are referring to the withdrawal method I take it? I think I remember that number from other posts.

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for almost a year but with all this in mind, I think it is time to take a step back from sexual activities and go back to what a relationship should really be about. I will sleep a whole lot easier tonight. Thank you so much

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Heather
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You may appreciate this: http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2011/11/10/losers_can_be_awesome_a_lesson_brought_to_you_by_the_chicago_cubs

You can just substitute the Brewers for the Cubs if you like. [Razz]

Yep, that 4% is the estimated failure rate of withdrawal *in one year* of use as a sole method.

You know, while I'm with you, there needs to be better sex ed in schools, in-depth, one-on-one contraceptive/risk counseling like this just isn't something a school is likely to be able to do in a classroom. There are just too many students and not enough time!

However, it IS something schools with clinics can often offer, and that healthcare providers can, as well. [Smile]

Do you want any links/help with slowing things down sexually, since it sounds like that's what you're saying you'd feel better about?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Who needs to win when you can set a record for the most extravagant way you can blow a game, right?

That's true that schools don't have the time to teach all this, but when I was a Sophomore last year, our health class threw out a bunch of these numbers for pregnancy rates, like 80 percent of people get pregnant from the withdrawal method. That, combined with other sites on the Internet has had me honestly believing that I could be a future dad. Then, luckily, I found this site.

You know, outside of school we only hangout on like once a week, and furthermore, Sexual activities only happen like once a month, but yeah sure I'd love some advice on slowing things down.

And I hate to drag this post on and use more of your time, but I have two more quick questions. Is this worth buying a pregnancy test for? I know that might be a silly question, but with my own baseball season bearing down on me and the need to save money for college, I don't have much extra cash. Would you buy a test? And does the fact that she was in the middle of her cycle change anything with this scenario?

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Heather
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Exactly. [Smile]

Oh, Wisconsin. [Frown] For sure, sounds like you had a bad program that included some misinformation, to boot. That stinks.

Per slowing things down, why don't you check this piece out, then we can gab more about it if you like: Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

Really, per if it's "worth" buying a pregnancy test for, really, the only reason for you two to get one from a non-risk is for piece of mind. And if you're both seriously freaking? I think $10, myself, is an awfully good price to not be freaking out anymore. But only you two can figure out if it's worth it to you.

We're not going to take her fertility into account, because if she doesn't chart it, it's not sound to make assumptions. And again, when you haven't had the kind of contact that can pose real risks, it's irrelevant anyway! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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I think they just tried to scare us into not doing this kind of stuff, which is understandable, but I don't like it. Then there are things like yahoo answers and other forums that had me in tears after a night of reading what they had to say on this..

I don't think slowing things down is gonna be difficult at all. It isn't an important part to our relationship, and there are plenty of wonderful things that you can do instead. And thank you for the article! But why don't People who go out and have sex all the time worry about pregnancy? Like most boys at my school have done the deed, if you will, multiple times and they don't seem stressed at all.. I don't know if this is accurate, but right now my pregnancy risk situation has just about the same risk as them having sex with a condom, so why aren't they going insane like me?

And would you mind if I post on this thread later this week with updates or further questions?

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Heather
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The pervasive culture of fear and fear-mongering we live in lately, especially around sex, is the pinnacle of mean suck, I agree.

You can feel free to keep posting here as you like, just bearing in mind our limits with talk around scares. But so far just today, it's all fine: this is the kind of productive, dig-deeper conversation with them that *is* productive and we're happy to have.

As to why people engaging in sex don't worry about pregnancy who don't, that varies. Some are doing so using one or two methods of contraception they know are reliable. Some are trying for pregnancy. Some are taking big risks, like NOT using any methods of contraception, but don't care about them (and that's often a lot easier when you're not the person who can actually become pregnant), or are in denial. And, of course, in a general way, some people are more prone to worry than others.

Lots of answers to that one, but too, you have to figure that not everyone will share these worries with you or anyone else. Especially guys, who I think it's safe to say feel like they have less permission in the world to express fears or anxieties around sex.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Alright I understand, I will only post more if a test does come back positive.

And even my girlfriend called me crazy for worrying this much.. I've told my best guy friend and he just said to calm down. It seems like no one really understands how worried I actually am. Is there something wrong with me for being so paranoid? A few days after it happened I was like, okay.. It is unlikely for her to be pregnant. But as it got closer and closer to her next period, I kept going more and more down the drain. Then today it came to a head. Everywhere I went everything was about pregnancy.. In US History, we learned about birth control and how it came out during the woman's movement. We also learned about abortion. Then during the middle of class, one of the teachers former students walked in carrying a baby. As you can imagine I was about to fly off the hook. Pretty much everyone I talk to has basically made fun of me for being so worried.

Our baseball team, and well quite frankly most of the guys at school, are stuck up with it comes to sex. When I tell them I've been dating Aly (my girlfriend) for almost a year, they ask 'have you got it in yet?' It's really annoying. What do I say to them?

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Heather
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You know, what I'd say is that, especially since you went really fast to the idea of slowing things down, that all that worry is probably something to pay attention to. Like, you might be having it because any of this is too fast for you, uniquely, or because you need certain things you don't have yet to feel comfortable with this.

You already identified, for instance, that you needed reliable information you didn't have. maybe that's all this is about, but maybe there's more, too?

(And for sure, it sounds like the timing here with everything is pretty bad per triggering so much of this!)

With your friends, I'd just be cool about it. People's sexual lives are things people tend to want to do privately and keep private. As well, not everyone is as respectful of their partner's privacy as it sounds like you might be.

So, you can just say, "You know, that's between me and Aly. Our sex life is about us and we like to keep it private." And if, on top of that, you don't like them talking about your girlfriend like she's a golf course, you can also request they stop doing that. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Yes.. That's what I was thinking. I guess I'm someone who needs a good few years before anything happens! Haha

What are the statistics for people who are trying to get pregnant? Like what percent get pregnant per year? And can you take a pregnancy test any time of the day?

And our team is a pretty tight group of kids and we do talk about a lot of things, but when they constantly pester you about it, especially after knowing your views on it, it does get bothersome. I think it's time I law down the law!

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Heather
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There's not a thing wrong with that! People need whatever time they need. And sometimes, no matter how old someone is, they just won't be comfortable with taking certain risks at certain times in their lives.

I don't think we have those stats, because in order for them to be valuable, we'd have to know who was doing things like trying to chart fertility and timing intercourse and who wasn't, since the rates would differ greatly in that respect.

But we do know that, in one full year, that for people who have intercourse -- again, intercourse expressly, not manual sex, oral sex, etc. -- and do so with NO method of contraception, the pregnancy rate is around 80-90%.

You can take a pregnancy test any time of day, but urine first-thing-of-a-morning is associated with the most accurate results.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Hm that kind of sent a chill up my spine. That is quite a lot. I hate to second guess this because I'm pretty sure that you guys get annoyed with second guessers, but are you sure that it is less than a 4 percent chance? 96 percent safe with withdrawal, and that inherently includes precum. So being transferred and exposed to a hostile environment, would it be safe to say it's closer to impossible than the 4 percent?

I think I'll just go to the store and get a pack of two. One to relieve the fear, and one to take in the morning a few days later to support the first one. It's been 16 days so a test would be accurate right?

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Heather
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There's nothing to second guess: again, I'm talking about a kind of sex YOU DID NOT HAVE. (No yelling intended there, just getting the idea you tend to connect best with super-strong messaging.)

Like I said, and our material here reflects, manual sex -- and the kind of indirect contact with your fluids you're asking about -- isn't something that poses real pregnancy risks.

It might help to remind yourself that being very afraid of something doesn't make it more real: I know it can feel that way sometimes.

I think now is as good a time as any for a test. Even if it doesn't make you feel better, your girlfriend will probably be grateful to show you that negative so you can chill out. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Okay, maybe I am a bit nuts for worrying about NOT HAVING SEX, not having direct contact, and not actually ejaculating.. Haha. I've chalked it up to just caring so much about her life, and her family along with mine, that I couldn't bear the thought of pregnancy.

Could define your term 'real pregnancy risk?' I hear you guys toss that term around quite frequently, and it seems to leave room for a potential risk. Sorry for overthinking [Razz]

And okay! Aly said to wait a few days longer because in reality, her period isn't late. Maybe I won't even need one.

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Heather
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It sounds like you actually have a lot of clarity about why this is so scary for you.

So, when we say "real pregnancy risk," we're talking about what is actually at all likely, in reality, to create a pregnancy.

Bodies are weird. So is reproduction, so now and then, people get pregnant when it was really unlikely. But you know, if it helps, I do not EVER want anyone to become pregnant when they don't want to, or to stay pregnant when they don't want to. So, I really err on the side of caution with this stuff.

All of that is to say that I can assure you that if pregnancy from something like this was something people needed to concern themselves with, you can bet your little cheesehead we'd be sure to tell y'all about it.

(I hope you'll forgive me for the cheesehead comment. I'd say I couldn't help it, but I have utter control over what I type and here I am, choosing not to edit it out. I do love Wisconsin and its people, I swear. You can take the broad out of Chicago, but....)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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So you're like one of those people that, if there is a 5 percent chance of rain, will advise an umbrella? (Not in actuality, but you get the drift) Youre virtually certain there is no risk?

And please don't take this the wrong way, I do not mean to question your credibility in any way, because you guys seem extremely educated, but are you guys like doctors or something?

Also, it's really great to know that you guys care so much. Is gotten the feeling that you would tell me if I should be worried and you've been quite confident in what you've been saying. It's extremely comforting to know that you guys are so caring, I guess you could say.

(P.s. the brewers are currently beating the cubs, so the cheesehead comment doesn't really sting as much as it normally would) [Wink]

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Heather
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Not quite that, but when it comes to the issue of pregnancy? Pretty much, yep. [Smile]

I'm never going to be offended by someone checking into credibility of someone giving this information: good on you!

I'm not a doctor, but I do sometimes give education to doctors, and I also have some doctors and health experts I consult as needed. I also have 15 years now of working specifically in this kind of education (including with/for some clinics) and have a shelf full of shiny awards behind my desk because people in the field seem to think I do a pretty good job.

When it comes to sexuality education, most medical schools have little to none, at best, we're usually talking about around a two-week course. That's why I sometimes get work, with years and years of experience in this work *from* doctors to educate them.

But by all means a) you can take a look at my bio and CV here -- http://www.scarleteen.com/the_scarleteen_staff_volunteers -- and b) it's always a great idea to ALSO talk with your doctor about these issues.

(Oh, SNAP!)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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Thank you, that just makes this all so much more reassuring. As much as I hate to leave this conversation, I have a long night of baseball to go to. But I would really really like to thank you from the bottom of my heart because you have really helped. Thank you for your straight forward, knowledgable information! Thank you thank you thank you!!

I really wish there were more people like you to teach and give realistic viewpoints. I will repost if a test comes back positive, but you've made it pretty clear that I have no reason to worry! (Thank you again)

Thanks, and have a great rest of your day!
Todd

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Heather
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Aw, I was happy to help. [Smile] Enjoy your night!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Toddbauer1234
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I really hate to do this, but things keep getting worse. Would there be any pregnancy signs that show up within a month? Because she was randomly extremely upset the other night, she broke out, and now she says her breasts hurt. She did take a test last night, and it came back negative. Am I
Paranoid? Or is this actually happening?

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Haleigh H
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Toddbauer1234,

I'm sorry to hear that this is stressing you out again. I just read through your chat with Heather and all of the information you need to put yourself at ease is there.

From Heather above, "So, if you've read all our material on pregnancy risks, then you already know that no, this is not at all likely. Is it impossible? No, we can't say that. However, pregnancy from pre-ejaculate with direct contact, like when it happens during intercourse, at most probably only poses around a 4% in one year risk of pregnancy, as that's the estimated perfect use effectiveness rate of withdrawal. With the risk being that low with intercourse, perhaps you can understand better why what you're describing isn't at all likely to result in a pregnancy."

What do you think?

There are other reasons why your girlfriend would get extremely upset, break out and say her breast hurt. In fact some women experience these things leading up to or during their period (use the search tab and type in period or menstruation for a better understanding ). Not to mention, using symptoms to determine if you're pregnant is really unreliable.

Is there a reason that you are still feeling uneasy after knowing that from what you described it isn't at all likely to result in a pregnancy and having a pregnancy test come back negative?

--------------------
Haleigh

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Toddbauer1234
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I think I might be obnoxiously paranoid about this. Even though I've read all I can read and every (educated) article says it's nearly impossible. The negative pregnancy test would seem to back that up. But would taking a pregnancy test at the end of the day give a false reading?

This is so dumb, but everything lately seems to be about pregnancy. All I see is commercials about babies and pregnant people. I've done so much reading on pregnancy symptoms that I probably think everything means that she's pregnant. What should I do? More research? Another test?

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Haleigh H
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Toddbauer1234,

I think the negative test combined with the facts point to not a pregnancy risk. You've read it your self, right [Smile]

I think maybe you should actively take your mind off of it. Read something else. Do something fun. Spend time with people or doing things that distract your mind from pregnancy. If every commercial is a pregnancy commercial, maybe you want to take a break from TV and listen to music.

When your feeling upset about something else (not pregnancy related) what do you do to ease your mind or feel better?

--------------------
Haleigh

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Toddbauer1234
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I really should believe all this.. I bet to other people, like you, it seems crazy that I'm still worried about all this. [Razz] even my girlfriend is getting really mad at me for all this. Her period is 2 days late now. She started soccer at the beginning of march which means 2 hours of running every day, combined with the stress of this, could that make it late?

Usually when I'm worried I go play baseball but with all this rain in Wisconsin, I'm stuck inside dwelling on this situation. I haven't seen the sun in days and it's making me crazy!

Posts: 15 | From: Wisconsin | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Haleigh H
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Toddbauer1234,

Pregnancy is something that people worry about, it doesn't seem crazy.

I think you conversation with Heather was spot on though. If the thought of your girlfriend being pregnant is consuming you despite a negative pregnancy test and knowing it's really unlikely that there was a risk of pregnancy it may be telling you something about your comfort with the risk involved with sex. Take a look at your and Heather's conversation again.

Yes soccer workouts and stress could play a part in her period being late, along with a whole host of other things. This may be helpful M.I.A or, Dude, Where's My Period.

I go crazy when I can't get outside too. Maybe hangout with some friends, find a gym to play ball at? What are some other things you do to clear/preoccupy your mind or to calm down after a stressful day?

--------------------
Haleigh

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Toddbauer1234
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I've read through the conversation so many times. I really have reconsidered what I have/will do and it will be different in the future. I don't want to go through all this again.

She herself says it will be late, and that it being late this moth is perfectly normal. She even said that it'd be normal if she skipped one because it always happens around this time and throughout soccer season. She usually has very light ones or none at all during the spring and summer.

I'm stuck inside a gym every day for baseball practice, and it's kinda really stressful to be honest. Goodness gracious this month is just full of stress haha. I would talk to my girlfriend after a stressful day but whenever I do all I can think about is her being pregnant. It's causing problems with this relationship and it sucks..

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Haleigh H
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Toddbauer1234,

I think it's time to just take a deep breath. No one knows your girlfriends body better than she does and if she isn't stressing over a pregnancy risk than I think it's safe for you to relax too.

Do you think stress from basketball/school/other stuff you have going on is just all being funneled towards stressing out about pregnancy? Sometimes I find myself channeling my stress and really worry about one particular thing. I think part of the difficulty is that with a pregnancy risk, after the fact, you don't have much control. Do you think this could be the case?

Are there some healthy ways for you to feel more in control right now? I think that might help you let go of some stress.

--------------------
Haleigh

Posts: 176 | From: Kansas City, Missouri | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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