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Author Topic: He's not 'up' for it...
Member # 107279

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This is really awkward for me to talk about because I feel that I am being somewhat inconsiderate, but I am genuinely confused and just looking for some clarity.

I have recently gotten into a new relationship and we get on really well in all aspects. I know he is very attracted to me physically, and I am attracted to him physically too so there is no problem with chemistry there. However the first few times we went to have sex, it just kept dying and he couldn't get hard. We talked about that and he said it was performance issues and that he did genuinely want to be intimate with me(of course I was very careful when talking about it because I didn't mind, I was just worried it might have been something I'd done). So anyway I reassured him it was fine and we could go at any pace he wanted.

A few times after that we did manage to have sex, and 1. it didn't last very long, but I did realise that it had been a long time for him, and 2. it didn't get fully erect :S. It was kinda soft even though it was hard which was very confusing, and it would just die completely when he attempted to put a condom on, so we didn't. Which was a mistake as I am not under any other birth control, so I did eventually have to get the morning after pill just in case.

Ok so now we have had sex more regularly and it has been a few weeks, he is not quick anymore and he does get into it a lot more, but he still is never fully erect, and I feel like I can't really let go because I worry it could die at any time. It seems to be very fragile. And now I am just worried because I think it IS me. I don't want to keep bringing it up with him though because I think maybe he still needs more time and I don't want to burst his bubble and make him lose any confidence he has just because I feel confused, but on the other hand he is very open and naughty with me, and we have even done thing like roleplayed a little and he is never afraid to initiate, so I am not sure why this is.

One thing I think it could be that I'm just taking a stab at in the dark here is maybe because he drinks a lot and has drank a LOT in the past. Especially beer.

I am very confused, I'm not even sure what my purpose is with this post. I don't know what to do.

Thanks very much,

Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi Seychelles,

It might help to remember that an erection is not the only indication of someone being aroused or attracted to their partner, just as, for someone with a vulva, wetness isn't the only indication of arousal or attraction.

In talking to your partner about this, have you asked if this is something he's experienced before?

Lots of physical things can impact erections, including medications and alcohol consumption.

I also want to point out that the erection doesn't die. It just goes away. There's still a penis there, which is still capable of feeling sexual pleasure.

I wonder, since the way intercourse has been has been worrying you, if it might be helpful to just not do it for a while? It sounds like you and your partner connect really well sexually, and clearly you don't need intercourse to be able to do that. [Smile]

Does this help?


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 107279

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Hi Robin Lee,

That is true, yeah.

And yes he has told me it has never happened to him before. Which is why I also thought it was something to do with me.

Sorry for my terminology there, I didn't realise it was still capable of feeling pleasure even when not hard. For some reason I had this idea in my head that a guy's arousal is only activated when he gets erect.

That sounds like a good idea actually, perhaps if we focused less on intercourse and explored other areas in sex, he would become more comfortable and less nervous and that might help too I suppose.

Thanks for the help.


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Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Erections don't make sensory nerve endings appear out of nowhere. [Smile] They're already all there.

It's just that erections -- and again, you'll have experienced this with your own genitals with arousal, including with the clitoris, which also becomes erect with high arousal -- make those nerve endings feel more sensitive.

Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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Also, just to make sure you're aware: if you've had unprotected genital contact, you've also had STI risks. So, if you two haven't been tested recently, that is something you will want to get caught up on.

Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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