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Author Topic: I've Been Here Before.
Clemintange
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Member # 95884

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I've been here before, and I have posted something similar before, but I've returned for more insight.
I want to say it was almost a year ago, maybe more, maybe less that I posted here about a loss of libido. I was linked to an article about all the places where my sex drive could have gone, and I read it. Not only did I read through the things mentioned in that article, but I read other very similar things on the internet, and tried to do everything I could from getting more sleep, cutting down on stress, getting more exercise, eating better ect ect.
Nothing has changed, and if anything it has gotten worse.
My sex drive has been near non-existent for nearly 18 months now. I used to be happy with it. My boyfriend and I would have sex a few times a week, I was intimate, liked physical contact, sexual and otherwise.
Now I cannot stand to be touched. I do not like making out, I do not like sex of any kind, and the thought alone makes me feel gross, never mind actually having sex.
I've been to my GP. We did blood work, we checked out if I have depression. Physically, everything appears to be in working order. In terms of eating right, and exercise and stress, everything seems under control. But I still have no sex drive. I still feel disgusted by sex and want nothing to do with it despite previously wanting to.
My boyfriend seems to be at his wits end. We have not slept together in nearly 18 months, and I can barely tolerate any other kind of physical contact.
I don't know what to do. Any additional advice would be appreciated.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there. Sorry you're still struggling with this.

So, all of these feelings are with the same partner?

If so, how's your relationship on the whole, and how do you feel about it?

What about masturbation: has your desire to masturbate gone from being at a certain level to nothing as well?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67955 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Clemintange
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Member # 95884

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All of these feelings are with the same partner and we are really struggling as of late. His trust for me has gone to nearly nothing, and due to the lack of our intimacy he feels like he is not my boyfriend anymore, but instead, the same as just any other of my friends. He feels threatened when I meet someone new and feels less and less special. It's getting very strained.

Masturbation is at this point something I do out of boredom, not from arousal. Afterwards I always feel strange.

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Heather
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Was masturbation ever different for you than it is now in that regard?

I'm wondering if you feel like any of this is about the relationship you're in.

The tricky thing with sorting out low desire for someone in a sexual relationship is that they're usually mostly, sometimes only, talking about desire they feel (or don't) for only one specific person. So, it's always possible that were they not in that relationship, things would be different.

We still can try and see what we see, looking at things like if your masturbation desires have changed, if things like how turned on (or not) you are from other things/people besides your boyfriend have changed, though.

Maybe we can talk a little about your experience of your sexuality before being with your boyfriend entirely?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clemintange
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I used to masturbate because I was aroused, I would feel fine afterwards, no ill feelings. I even liekd it.
I find it very hard in general to get aroused, though I occasionally get aroused for no reason in particular, or one I can identify.
This is the first relationship I have been in where I have had intercourse.

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Heather
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Just because I might be misunderstanding something and want to make sure I get you: when I hear you say you have no desire for sex, I assume that means ANY kind of sex or sexual activity.

Are you saying this is only about a lack of desire for intercourse specifically?

(Just FYI, liking masturbation isn't really surprising. It's something people tend to do because they like it; something people do because it gives them pleasure. Are you saying, when you say, "I even liked it," that enjoying masturbation was odd for you in some way?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clemintange
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I mean that I have no desire for any sort of sex, giving or receiving, including manual, oral, kissing of any sort.
It's not that I am surprised I liked it, but more that now I don't feel for it now one way or the other, whereas before I enjoyed it.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Okay.

How about sexual fantasies? If you had those before, are they kaput, too? General things that turn you on, even a little, like ways of being in your body, certain songs, etc?

Have you considered, that this relationship may itself be the root cause of all this at this point?

In other words, I don't know how things were before, but by all means, people can have times -- days, weeks, months, sometimes more, where sexual desire is low-to-no. It's common for libido to wax and wane some. But if someone has a partner who distrusts them, and handles that going-low very poorly, then it can often be that the desire doesn't go up again because that person is then in a big relationship crisis that's making them feel crummy and nothing close to sexy, know what I mean?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Clemintange
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my fantasies have gone, however i find that songs can get me into the mood on occasiona, sometimes voices. but i cannot pinpoint which songs these are, nor the voices.
at this point i think that the relationship isn't helping, which makes me sad since i've been with this guy for 3 years, and i am rather fond of him.

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Heather
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You seemed to suggest you were in other sexual relationships before, just not ones that included intercourse. How were your desire levels in those?

Also, three years is a pretty long time, and it sounds like you two have been having some big issues, and I'm not just talking about your lack of sexual desire. Have you two ever discussed perhaps meeting with a counselor, singly or apart, yo check in about this relationship?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67955 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Clemintange
Neophyte
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I have been on another relationship where we were sexually active though not through intercourse. my desire level in this relationship was high.
We have talked about going to see counselors before but we are young and counselors can be expensive. Also we are both young and I have an inkling that most concerns won't be taken as seriously and most of the advice would be to go our separate ways, which while one solution is not my favourite one.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Are you both still in your teens, or are you legal adults?

Also, maybe some of this is something you can do yourself?

Setting your low desire aside for a few, how about you look through this and give me a general read on your feelings about the relationship as a whole?

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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