Alright, so basically.. A few weeks ago me and a guy I've had feelings for for nearly two years got very much so under the influence. We started fooling around, and I know the line can get fuzzy when drugs or alcohol are involved, but I can promise that it was all consensual. I was fine with and am still fine with the acts themselves. I'll be honest. We were under the influence of marijuana, but we were being responsible and were on private property, weren't driving, etc.
This is all really complicated and is sort of two questions in one. I'm sorry, but please bear with me.
However, here's where it gets tricky. This guy has a girlfriend that he has been with for over a year. We fooled around pretty much the entire time we hung out. His friend was there, but we were all so "messed up," that he didn't notice anything really.
I guess I can spare you all the details, but we really did do a lot of stuff. I received oral, gave oral, and he fingered me. Anyway, we found out way into my friend's bathroom and soon enough got naked. I had him go back out quickly to get me a pillow to lay down on. Before he even left the bathroom.. He did a double take about three times. He just kept looking back at me and mumbling in awe. No one has ever looked at me that way before. I don't know what it was.. but it seemed like more than just a lusty glance. Anyway, he came back with the blanket/pillow for me to lay on. I laid down and he started to penetrate me, but before the head had even gone in, I felt this terrible pain. He could hear my discomfort (I guess I uncomfortably gasped) and looked at me and said with great concern and surprise, "Does that hurt?! I haven't even gotten the tip in." I nodded and told him to try with his fingers for a minute. He used some of his saliva as lubricant and put two fingers in. I sort of made a sound of discomfort again and again, he looked concerned for me and said, "That hurts? You're like..tighter than anyone..ever.." I told him to try one more time with PIV sex, so he did. This time I tried to relax and he was barely able to get the tip in, but then I felt this spasm inside me and a shooting, burning pain. I audibly cringed and he immediately stopped and pulled out and told me he couldn't do this to me if it was hurting me that badly. I know that the details around this entire situation are a little bit skewed (the fact that he isn't single, we were extremely high, in a bathroom, sneaking around, whatever), but looking back, I am so thankful that I had this experience with someone who cared about me and how I was feeling at the moment. As a sidenote, later on I gave him oral and he came. He couldn't return the favor, but I don't blame him because he had no prior knowledge of the fact that I (probably) have vaginismus. I mean, heck, I didn't even know that myself! He tried his best to please me and I know he would've done differently had he known about my issue.
And then earlier in the night I had my feet across his lap and he was just rubbing them (non-sexually) and it just made me think about how things could be. I remember drifting in and out of sleep. I woke up at one point and we were talking about something.. I don't remember what. I said something along the lines of, "I just don't care about anything right now." He laughed with a hint of reflection and said, "Yeah.. there's a lot I don't care about right now..."
I remember that later on I woke up and he was no longer downstairs on the couch with me. I went up to our friend's bedroom and found him sleeping in his bed. I nudged him and told him to scoot over. He woke up and said, "Right now [friend's name] doesn't suspect anything, but if he sees us waking up together he will. We've played everything else off but this could blow our cover." I tried to tell him how I just don't care, and why does he care blah blah. (Ugh, I knew why he cared. I was just in denial.) I don't mean to get melodramatic, but gah, as a younger person, this is pretty tragic for me. He told me I could sleep in the bed, though, and that he'd go downstairs. I agreed to it, but asked him for one more hug. It was perfect. He held me for nearly an entire minute, then picked me up (You know how people do) and put me back down. I went and laid down in the bed, and he was almost out of the door, but I said, "No, wait.." and held my arms out again. He laughed at/with me endearingly, almost as if he was trying to pretend not to be pleased, then came back into the room and over to the bed and hugged me again. Sorry, guys, I just can't spare the melodrama haha. But honestly, I know when you're high that things go in slow motion.. But wow, it felt like I was in the most dramatic, tragic movie to ever exist at that moment. It was like..everything I've ever wanted in my (short) life was right at my fingertips..yet so out of reach. Ugh.
Side story: Me and this guy have had a history. We were "talking" (as in the preliminary relationship people have before an official one) for a while a year or two ago. He would call me some mornings just to talk to me right when he woke up. We'd talk on the phone a lot. He talked about me to people a LOT. He told people we were "talking." All of that stuff. However, his female best friend randomly contacted me one day and asked me if we were "talking." Me, being a naive high school freshman, said that I didn't know really and explained my situation. Oh, she took it and ran with it. She offered to ask him. She "asked" him. Who knows what the hell she actually did, though or what he actually said.. But he supposedly said we were "just friends." Anyway, she gave me awful advice and told me to just randomly kiss him one day. I did. The cringe was deafening, but later on I brought it up to him and we had a laugh about it. All the while, his female best friend was giving me "advice." Anyway, eventually.. Him and this female best friend started to date. I suspect that in reality she was just pretending to be nice just to have an influence over me and a sort of power of him and the situation. She sabotaged it all. I should not have trusted her. Anyway, me and him have always and still do have this weird tension between each other whenever we're around each other. Not even sexual. Well, maybe a bit. But it's also just.. something is just there. I swear it is. Alright, that's about it for the sidenote.
When I got back home, I slept for a veeeerrryyyyy long time. Probably a whole day.. yeah it was bad. Anyway, the next day I started researching vaginismus. I had heard the term around, but figured I didn't have it. I read the symptoms and.. Just burst into tears. I knew I had it. I knew. I knew that the reason it took me 3 years to be able to use tampons comfortably was because of this. The reason I could never insert more than one (maybe 2 on a good day) finger(s) into myself. The reason I couldn't have sex. May I mention.. I grew up/grow up in a household where sex before marriage is "tainting," "dirty," "bad," "dangerous," "slu(r)y," etc. I've been told that since I was 3, so it is very ingrained in me. That and all of the bullshit about how sex ALWAYS hurts for women the first time, how our cherry "pops," how our hymens "tear." I literally had a book that showed a before and after illustration of a hymen. The before was a fully. intact. hymen. What the actual hell.
I guess basically.. My questions are.. Do I have a chance in hell with this guy? Is he just confused, or does he really not care a bit for me? How the heck can I cure my vaginismus? I see a psychologist.. Should I start there? I'm so lost.
-------------------- -pinkcat435 Posts: 5 | From: USA | Registered: Mar 2013
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Hi pinkcat435 and welcome to Scarleteen,
Wow, there's a lot here. If I don't address all of it right away, I assure you we'll get there.
There's really no way I (or anyone) can tell you if you have a chance to have a relationship with this guy. That's really up to him, and the choices he makes both about his current relationship and about talking to you seriously about pursuing a relationship. Yeah, I know that probably wasn't what you wanted to hear; it's super tough when we feel attracted to someone and we wish that there could be more to the relationship with them.
Have you and this guy spoken about the sexual activity you engaged in since it happened? If so, do you have a sense for how he feels about it?
Regarding the possibility of vaginismus, have you engaged in partnered sexual activity before in which penetration was attempted? I ask because the circumstances around this weren't the most ideal for facilitating comfortable penetration. Saliva, for example, doesn't make a very effective sexual lubricant. Also, while I'm not familiar with marijuana's physical effects on the body, it can be trickier to have a comfortable sexual encounter of any kind when one is not fully present and aware in one's body.
I put all these things out as possibilities, though, as there is no way any of us can diagnose whether you have vaginismus or not. The person you'd want to see for that would be a gynecologist, and since you're sexually active, it's a sound idea to get your sexual healthcare started anyway.
Have you seen a gynecologist before or had an exam from your regular doctor?
I also want to check in with you about safer sex (STI prevention) and birth control. The activities you engaged in have risks of both. Did you use condoms for the vaginal intercourse and for oral sex?
And yes, you certainly could talk to your psychologist about any of this, including your feelings about sex. The gynecologist can support you with that, though they can't make or disprove a diagnosis of vaginismus without you seeing a gynecologist.
-------------------- Robin Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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