Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Talking to my Mom

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Talking to my Mom
beaver987
Activist
Member # 95850

Icon 1 posted      Profile for beaver987         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi Scarleteen,
I know you all have helped me a lot about how pregnancy happens, how to protect yourself and what the chances are of getting pregnant with the methods I would plan to use.

Here is the problem, however. The only thing I can ever think of pregnancy and my mom saying "if you have sex, you will become pregnant". My mom hates talking about sex and was SO angry when I told her I had oral sex (about 6 months ago). I really want to have sex with my boyfriend of over 2 years. I guess I feel like in someway I need her "approval" or need to know that I won't get pregnant using condoms, pull out and birth control (that I take RIGHT on time everynight).

I have no idea how to start a conversation without her becoming angry and going straight to "why do you even want to have sex?". I need someway to start a conversation and let her know what I am planning to do.

Please let me know if you have any ideas. She HATES talking about this and either tries to blow it off or gets mad. I know I remember thinking that I can't talk to her about sex (after the oral sex talk), but I seem to need her approval (and to clear up her "if you have sex, you will get pregnant."). I couldn't imagine telling her I'm pregnant without her even knowing i've ever had sex.

Thanks for your help!

Posts: 155 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Allie R
Volunteer-in-training
Member # 102566

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Allie R     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey there!

So do you think that, in showing your mom how you're responsible and have educated yourself in pregnancy prevention, she would feel comfortable with the idea of you having sex? Or do you think there may be an underlying reason as to why she doesn't want you having any kind of sex?

I guess I just want to get at the root of the problem here, so we can pinpoint that in the script we can help you prepare. For example, if we prepare a bangin' script about how you won't necessarily get pregnant if you have sex, she might completely tune it out because, for some reason, she doesn't want you engaging in sexual activities in the first place.

Is there an objective third party that could serve as a supervisor of some sort, here? I'm not feeling too creative right now, and I can't think of how to stop your mother from getting angry and shutting down immediately.

I'm sure the other vols will have some insight to share, so I'm going to ask if anyone else can help you out! [Smile]

--------------------
AAR

Posts: 109 | From: Maryland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beaver987
Activist
Member # 95850

Icon 1 posted      Profile for beaver987         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hi,
I feel that there may be some underlying reason that she doesn't want me to have sex. I don't know if explaining how much i'm educated and how i've prepared myself would help.

Quite honestly, I'd WAY rather not talk to her because she does shut down automatically. But the thing is is that I feel I have to let her know just in case I would ever become pregnant (it wouldn't be AS big of a shock). And I can't get the "if you have sex, you will get pregnant" out of my head.

Like I said, she absolutely hates talking about it, barely gives any reasons on why I shoulnd't (she talks about the same...you have 5 years of school left to get through, and you're too young")

I don't know how to talk to her because she just gets mad if I were to challenge her and say i'm prepared and educated. There's basically something that she either won't tell me or just hates the idea of me growing up.

Posts: 155 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Do you think it might help if you could get some more information from her about why she doesn't want you to have sex? We could brainstorm some ways to get the conversation going, if you like - how have you approached the topic in the past?

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5658 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Molias
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 101745

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Molias     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
You know, sometimes I find that harder conversations like this can be easier if I write out what I want to say in a letter or email and give it to someone. I know a few people who get upset by this and only want to have important conversations in person, but this may be a way for you to tell her everything you want to say without worrying that she might interrupt you or be angry and miss something you say because she gets worked up over the idea of you having sex. Could that be a useful way to talk to her about this?

Also, do you think sending her some links to some of the articles on the main Scarleteen site that cover the facts about pregnancy risks and correct use of contraception would help? I hear you say that she seems to really emphasize the risk of pregnancy but you have a lot of plans in place to minimize that risk; maybe letting her read the same articles you did to make those choices about birth control methods could calm her fears a bit.

Posts: 1125 | From: San Francisco | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beaver987
Activist
Member # 95850

Icon 1 posted      Profile for beaver987         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I've never thought about an email. I might have to give that a try. Thank you! Also, it might be a good idea to send her a few links from your website as well talking about reducing the risks of pregnancy.

Would you be able to send me a few links that talk about minimizing pregnancy and the reality of it? (the buddy system for sure as well as maybe a refresher on human reproduction and a couple others?)

Thanks for your help! I'm just nervous about her reaction. She was so mad about oral sex and my parents really are about all the negatives of having sex. She just thinks i'm too young and says there's no point. I just don't want her to be SO mad at me if we talk about it.

Posts: 155 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey beaver:

here are those links you asked for [Smile]

Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction
The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method

Chicken Soup for the Pregnancy Symptom Freakout's Soul
NO Pregnancy Risks

Hope those help you out!

Posts: 1182 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 20094

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Karybu     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
A few good links would be:
The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method

Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To
Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

You might also find it helpful to show her the effectiveness rates of the birth control methods you're using or planning on using, which are here:
Birth Control Bingo!

Depending on how you think she'd react (I don't know your mum so you'll have to be the judge), this piece might be helpful too.
A Calm View from the Eye of the Storm: Hysteria, Youth and Sexuality

I'd also advise setting some ground rules for the conversation: before you even get talking, make it clear that you do not want the discussion to turn into a shouting match or for her to just get angry at you, and if that happens, you'll be ending the conversation right there and will pick it up later. You might also want to ask if she will do you the courtesy of listening to what you have to say in its entirety before she responds in any way, which might be difficult for her, but sometimes knowing that you won't be interrupted can make it easier to get out whatever it is you want to say.

[ 03-19-2013, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

--------------------
"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5658 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
beaver987
Activist
Member # 95850

Icon 1 posted      Profile for beaver987         Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Thank you so much. I am trying to figure out what topics to cover when I talk to her. I was wondering if you would be able to help me out if you think I might want to add something?

1) I wanted to talk about my boyfriend and my relationship and about how she talked about what a great and trusting relationship we have

2) about how i've wanted to have sex and have been educating myself about sex and how to reduce pregnancy

3) How I feel like, for me, it's the right person

4) how i plan to protect myself. I can tell her how consistently I take my pill, how we've both looked up how to put on a condom and practiced on a banana ( haha [Smile] ), and about how we plan to pull out.

5) Finishing off by saying how I believe I truly can't be more prepared and how if I continue to have this relationship 5 years probably isn't too realistic to not have sex. (which is through college). And how I feel like I know probably a lot more than other sexually active teens and college kids (as i've helped other people with sex, but have not actually had it myself).

Posts: 155 | Registered: May 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Those all sound like great starting points, and you may of course think of other things to say while you're having the conversation with her! Since she's your mother, you'll know the best way to navigate the conversation with her.

Bbut I might suggest also discussing that open and good relationships are a two way street, and include both communication and respect, and you're committed to working on that if she is too; and that you starting this conversation is evidence of that willingness you have to strive for a good relationship with her. You are putting yourself out on a limb a bit, being brave by starting up that hard conversation, you know? So explaining that and saying you'd really appreciate if she extends the same respect and openness to you, might be good. But again -- you'd know better how she'd react to that [Smile]

Posts: 1182 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen