Hi, I met a guy who is a lot older than me about two weeks ago and have not reached to a point of sexual intercourse yet, though I will continue to explain several worries I have regarding STDs, HIV, and other risks and questions I have, I hope you can bear with me and help me out.
I made out with him a lot and it involves a lot of french kisses and deep kisses, and have also gave him over 8 hand jobs without using condoms since meeting him.
I told him I was not ready to do anything sexual with my genitals so all we did was kiss and giving him hand jobs. Even though it doesn't sound a lot these two activities has caused me an amount of thoughts and worries because I'm very inexperienced and not very educated about sex.
So my questions are:
1) Can you kiss someone if you have cuts on your lips? Like chapped lips with a bit of cracked skin, will that create risks for catching stds/hiv? The other day before I made out my lips were slightly chapped but after I think it got infected so there's a small ulcer, it probably wasn't from kissing i'm not sure..- should I be worried?
2) What about giving hand jobs? If you have very tiny cuts on fingers or just general cuticle area with thinner skin, will that create risks for HIV/STDs? is there a difference between if the cuts are bleeding or not bleeding?
3) what about kissing and giving handjobs in general? Are there any dangers with my partner and I?
4) Can you catch or have any risks if you don't use a condom for hand jobs? Are you supposed to use a condom or is it okay to not use it?
I have asked my guy very briefly that I have worries about diseases after a few make outs and a few handjobs.. and he told me that he was tested a few months ago, then I asked if he was with anyone physically after the test and be said not with anyone unprotected (should I be worried?). I also did not see any actual results on paper and have not asked anymore if he was thoroughly tested for STDs as well as HIVs. So.. 5) If I continue kissing, making out, and giving him hand jobs, am I at any risks of damaging my own sexual well-being and health?
6) Is there anything I should ask him before I continue doing these things? Like supposingly asking even more about his past history Or am I fine without any problems just kissing and giving him handjobs?
7) If I decide to give him blowjobs, but with condoms on, do I need to be aware or any risks beforehand or talk to him first, or can I just let it happen when I'm ready?
8) What about blow jobs without a condom?
For general sexual questions about men- 9) do older men tend to get blue balls very easily after foreplay? Is it much better to give them release than to leave them? 10) Is it normal that my guy tells me he has to cum twice in the same day? And how often is normal for a guy to want to cum in a week? I want to make sure Im' not being used and have a reasonable amount of intimacy with him.
so far I have boundaries to not include anything with losing my virginity or contact with my genitals so these are the concerns I have so far, I hope all my concerns can be thoroughly answered as I couldn't find any accurate and helpful answers anywhere else.
I thank you in advance for helping me out and solving my worries, and I hope there weren't TOO many questions..
I am starting to develop feelings for my guy and would like to bond better with him physically without giving out my virginity, but I don't want to feel uncomfortable after so I would really like to have these questions answered, thank you so much.
I also don't know how much intimacy is considered normal meeting someone in the early stages. Should a relationship not have so much intimacy in the beginning or do all these just depend on the couple?
Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Hi shandi and welcome to Scarleteen,
I'll answer your last question first. There is no "right" amount of or timing for romantic and sexual intimacy between people. Everyone does and feels comfortable with something different. So, if what you're doing feel comfortable for both you and your partner, then it's what's right for you and your partner.
Kissing and manual sex (that's giving someone a hand job) are lower risk sexual activities. The risks are increased if there are open cuts, though small scratches on the hands, or, as you mentioned, thinner skin around the cuticles do not pose an increased risk. Risk with kissing is also increased if one or both people have sores on or inside their mouth.
It's always up to you whether you want to use a condom. If using one for giving a handjob would make you feel more comfortable, then by all means you can do it that way. Another alternative is to wear a latex (or non-latex alternative) glove on your hand so that your partner's fluids do not come in contact with your skin. Know too that some STIs can be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact. Since you're not haengaging in genital-to-genital contact this isn't as much of a concern for you; you'll just want to make sure you wash your hands (always a good practice anyway) before and after engaging in manual sex with your partner. Using a glove can make this simpler as you can just take it off and discard it.
You may find this guide to sexual activities and sexually transmitted infections helpful.
IN terms of blue balls, what that is is vasocongestion, and it can happen to guys of any age. It's not harmful at all, and it's always up to you whether you want to then engage in activities that will lead to orgasm for the guy. That is, you don't have to do anything that will result in his orgasm if you don't want to. Someone who has "blue balls" always has options for dealing with it, whether that's doing something themselves that gives them the release of orgasm or doing other things to release the discomfort.
Thanks for your response. My concern right now is that he told me he gets tested for STDs every six months and he said he was clean when I gave him hand jobs. I don't know if he had been with anyone else before i was with him after he was tested, and he said he was always using protection if he was engaging in sexual activity with anyone else before. I didn't ask him further when I gave him all those hand jobs. Can I trust him to know that he was STD free when all that happen to ensure that I am at no risk for STDs?
Also, another thing is, do I have to get checked for STDs if the only sexual activity I've ever done was manual sex? (hand jobs) I have no done anything else that was oral, vaginal, or anal.
Oh and one more thing- does it mean you're sexually active if you have only given hand jobs? Or does sexually active mean having actual vaginal sex?
Posts: 13 | Registered: Nov 2012
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Were a healthcare professional to ask you if you were sexually active, the right answer in that case would be, "I engage in manual sex." In other words, yes, you're sexually active, in that way. If you engage in any other sexual activities, you'd mention those.
And if you said that, they'd not likely suggest STI testing, as contracting STIs only through contact between someone else's genitals and your hands would be highly uncommon.
As well, if you washed your hands after these handjobs, you would have basically assured that you were without risk of infections.
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