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Author Topic: Not ready for sex, "obligation"?
FrankieFrog
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Hey again you all..:S

Thankfully this time i'm not here about some pregnancy scare, which..I don't even know is good or bad (allow me to explain).

With all the scares my girlfriend and I have had in the past few years we've spent being sexually active together, I've become really scared and come to Scarleteen fairly often to help logically calm myself down.

Still, I know even though manual sex and so forth don't present a viable risk, I knew I couldn't even take the 1%, so the best thing I felt we should do was to wait till she's on a more reliable form of birth control other than just us using condoms, like she should get on the pill.

Naturally, until then, I told her i'm really not comfortable having sex even if its with the condom on, especially when college admission is right around the corner..i'd have a complete breakdown.

She agreed...at first, but then after that she started coming over to use the pool in my condo or watch a movie with me..and while that was the original plan, she'd always end up sexually exciting me somehow first, entirely on purpose.

For example, she'd come in, say it's hot, and strip down to her underwear and lie down with me and close her eyes and tell me she "just wants to rest".

Inevitably, she'd always end up getting quite amorous and she'd sexually please me in some way, usually till I climax, and not long after, she'd ask me to do something back to her.

I've told her time and time again that i'm okay with not having any sexual activity at all, even towards me, till she gets the pill, if that makes her feel better about the fairness of our arrangement.

Yet she still insists on it and not 30 minutes ago, we had just come up from swimming and as she was changing (once again, in front of me), she bent down and shoved her butt right at my penis (I was changing mid-way).

I recoiled back and told her off about it, saying we had spoken about this and i'm really not comfortable with it!


Well...she scolded me and now I feel less of a man than ever..
She's great in every other way and she says i'm just being paranoid if I think manual sex is a risk and while I know to some extent it's true..I know we can't take the risk.

And we can't count on doing everything right every time..
Something's bound to go wrong, and I know it.

Neither of us is very conscientious with stuff as it is, let alone somehow being naked frolicking around on a bed CONSCIOUSLY avoiding genital contact and still having manual sex..

All-in-all..I just feel really emasculated.
I don't even know if i'm "right"..

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Robin Lee
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Hey Frankie,

Your feelings about and preferences for when and how you engage in sexual activity don't make you any less of, or more of, a man.

I know it's tough. depending on what culture we live in, and on the people we've learned from, we usually do get that message that a man who isn't intrested in sex is somehow less of a man for feeling or acting that way, and that a man assumed to be heterosexual wouldn't turn down the advances of his female partner and that there's something wrong for him to be doing so. This isn't at all accurate or representative of the reality and diversity of being a human being.

You've made your decision about what sexual activities are comfortable for you right now, and, although you certainly are never obligated to justify your decisions around sex, you've also been very clear about why it is that you've made this choice. It's up to your girlfriend to respect this choice, or to tell you that this just isn't working for her right now.

Have the two of you discussed this at a time away from when it's happened? That is, have you been able to talk about it at a time when there hasn't been any sexual activity?

If not, that might be a good place to start. How comfortable do you feel telling your girlfriend about how all this makes you feel, and that you're bothered by her disrespecting the limits you've very clearly stated around what you're comfortable with?

[ 03-14-2013, 07:29 AM: Message edited by: Robin Lee ]

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Robin

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FrankieFrog
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Hey Heather!

Yeah we met today to talk about it, and well..we've agreed that getting her on the pill isn't our only/best option, and its possibly risky living in her staunch Catholic household.

We've instead decided that together, we'd both be more understanding to each others needs so we don't for example, excite the other on purpose with no intention of going further.

And as far as quelling my worries about her sexual health and an unwanted pregnancy, we're going to buy a basal body thermometer and track her cycle with it, get an even more accurate read on her ovulation day, then only have sex about 4-5 days after the suspected date, and with a condom too.

I know it seems almost like overkill, and believe me if I could put every other method in there I would :3, but after thinking about it and talking it through together..she knows it's the right call.

Now we just have to see how it goes..
The open and honest conversation is over, I just really hope that with us being less sexually selfish, our relationship will be better off, yknow?

I feel like this could be a big moment for us either way..and I have a good feeling she'll stick to it (respecting my boundaries, being less of a tease, being more conscious about her cycle).

Although, during the talk she DID also say I never made her climax like she can make herself..which kinda makes me feel inadequate again.

She said it's not my fault though and she's maybe just self-conscious but still, this whole thing has just left me feeling pretty "girly"..
*sigh*

Thanks for the advice anyway, Heather, hopefully this manhood thing doesn't bug me too much..
After all it's not the easiest thing in the world to hear that you've been having supposedly amazing sex with a person for 3 years yet you've never made them climax as greatly as they know they can..

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You won't ever find me arguing against charting menstrual and fertility cycles: I think everyone who has them can learn a whole lot by doing that.

For more, check out:http://www.scarleteen.com/blog/heather_corinna/2009/09/17/its_smart_to_chart

And by all means, I think combining FAM with condoms in that way is one great option for a dual method.

However, I'd just make sure YOU really feel okay being sexual with her in those ways, regardless. because it's sounded a lot like you really don't, and like there are also some dynamics coming from her that have sounded an awful lot like sexual coercion.

Consent isn't just something for women, or something guys need to get from girls. same goes with sexual readiness: it's not like only girls don't feel ready or up to sex sometimes, or that only guys DO (after all, it's not like women are being "manly" to want or feel ready for sex, either). Gender stereotypes and just that" stereotypes. They're not realities, and truly, this stuff is about everyone, and we all vary with it from person to person, and time to time, far, far more widely than by gender.

You know, most people, especially when sexual activity and interactions with others are new -- and for many people, even when they're not -- will have an easier time reaching orgasm by themselves. That's not about a partner being inadequate, it's about the fact that other people can't ever know our bodies the way we do, nor can they live in our heads.

That isn't to say that people can't have equally satisfying and enjoyable sex -- including with orgasm -- with partners. Rather, it just often takes time, a lot of learning, and the kind of emotional and social environment for that to happen. It also sounds like she gave you some real information about that there when she told you that self-consciousness is not only something she may be struggling with, but is HER issue. Making it yours really is both not sound nor is it actually respectful, IMO: you don't own her issues, after all, they're hers. Know what I mean?

You're not a sex toy, Frankie. I say that because it's not really a partner's "job" to like, win some kind of sup[er-orgasm award. It's our job as partners to be responsive, communicative and creative, and to do what we can to co-experience and co-create satisfying sexual lives and experiences together. And satisfaction is a WAY bigger picture than orgasm. In fact, we know from studies on this that for many people, orgasm is actually lower down the list of what people say makes their sexual life with someone most satisfying.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FrankieFrog
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Hey Heather!

Aww, thanks so much for the encouragement and concern! [Smile]

Yeah i've been doing some thinking about it..and I came across a deeper issue that's really been causing the pregnancy scares, and honestly I think it's something many other teenagers who have these pregnancy scares face too, even if they don't readily see it.

I'm a hardy, straight-forward but sensitive guy, who has always been very in tune with myself and always gung ho for everything, yknow?

I was always ready to go the distance and take on huge challenges and chase exciting opportunities! (that's how we met, I sprinted up to her to get her number)

So I asked myself, why wouldn't I be able to handle my girlfriend being pregnant?..
I mean, given the right environment and emotional support, we could easily work it out.
There's adoption, abortion, and even the remote possibility of raising the child ourselves.

But then it hit me,
I wasn't scared of dealing with the pregnancy, I was always scared she wasn't worth it..

And that was a sucky thing to realize and admit because I love her so much..but not enough to trust that she would ride out the storm with me.

I felt that if things really did go bad and she did accidentally get pregnant, she'd fall apart and we'd face the consequences separately and break up.


I had to come clean with her..so I did, and she took it alright, just re-assuring me that she'd be there through anything with me and it would never happen anyway.

So we talked about it, and I told her recently that if she charted her cycle and we always used condoms, i'd be perfectly okay with it on the "safe" days ie. 5 days after her suspected ovulation day.

We also talked about being more sensitive during sex..more kissing, more caressing, that sort of thing!

And she also said she'll get familiar with the process of buying and using emergency contraception, just in case something ever goes wrong.


All-in-all, we also agreed that maybe if we stopped being so neurotic about our sex lives and just let things happen naturally we'd be better off for it, instead of trying to plan it all the time.

For instance today, we had a pretty intimate time..doing all the things we knew were safe like manual and oral sex and making out, rolling around, etc.


I'm slowly feeling less inadequate and more..neutral, thanks to your last sentence [Smile]

I feel less "responsible" for taking her on pleasure-coasters and just being myself..I mean, she did say it always felt amazing and that's what matters!

Thanks so much Heather [Big Grin]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Frankie, you've got a pretty amazing habit of being very self-reflective, even when it brings up hard things to look at. I admire that about you.

I agree that by all means, one place pregnancy fears can come from, or get very high with, is when a person we become pregnant -- even when we're not the person actually becoming pregnant -- with isn't someone we're sure we want to go through that with, or is someone we know we absolutely do NOT want to go through that with. By all means, that can be very scary.

And you know, I think we can love someone, even very much, and still not want to go through that life experience with them, or have that be part of our relationship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'd add to this that when we grew up in any kind of family abuse or dysfunction, or just had very difficult childhoods, it's all the more common to feel very wary and cautious about pregnancy and parenting. After all, we've seen firsthand how wrong it can go.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67055 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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