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Author Topic: Please help me shot, morning after pill, and gf
Hello123
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Okay so today my gf went to planned parenthood to receive the depo provera shot. The problem is that it takes two weeks for it to work but she wants to have sex on Friday, and she isn't taking no for an answer (she's been going through a lot and we haven't had sex since January due to condom slip and her urges have gotten bad). Her plan is to use condoms and take the morning after pill ASAP. I'm worried that both birth control will clash with each other but more importantly about her health. Is taking both of these hormonal b/c dangerous? Will her health be at risk or what side effects should she expect? Will they cancel each other out?


And I've heard so many horror stories online about depo... Are these common or what typically happens as in what side effects do women experience while on depo in a typical case? I will buy her calcium supplements.

Thanks a lot

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Heather
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First of all, ANYONE who is going to be a healthy sexual partner for someone else NEEDS to be able to take no for an answer when the answer is no.

For any reason.

So if, for real, you're saying no, for whatever reason, and she's refusing to accept that, I advise you simply re-evaluate being with this person as a sexual partner, period. I'd also advise you stop talking about BC right now and start having serious talks together about consent and healthy sexual dynamics. Do you understand what I'm saying?

In the case you are NOT yourself, saying no, and so this isn't really about her not accepting no for an answer from you, then she can call her healthcare provider and ask about this, including calling Planned Parenthood back to ask them.

But, on the whole, there would be no need for her to take Plan B if you two used a condom if the condom was used properly and did not fail, because there would be nothing for the Plan B to even do. Plus, while her shot may not be fully effective until 2 weeks from now, chances are it may well be by then, and as effective then as Plan B would be.

If she chose to use Depo, I assume she already had a conversation about this choice and her health with her healthcare provider, right? Really, this is about her body and healthcare choices, so while you can certainly find out about her method, as her partner, not her parent, it seems to me that trying to manage her health for her like it sounds here isn't really the right place for you, you know?

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Hello123
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Thank you heather uhm I was going to tell her that if the condom does not rip then we shouldn't have to use plan b or if I don't finish at all and my liquids never go near her bottom area, would you agree? And what constitutes a condom failure if you want to link me to a page I'd be more than glad to read it I plan on using lube only inthe outside because I have difficulty properly putting on a condom while trying to put pub inside of it.

Yes we talked about depo shot and about not having sex and waiting but she says I worry too much and that we will be using a condom and truth is I want to do it too but until the shot is in effect because I don't feel like placing all my trust in jus a condom again.

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Heather
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Here's the thing: I hear you saying you do not want to engage in intercourse again until her shot is fully effective.

So, you need to say that and make clear that's not up for negotiation. And if she can't handle that or won't accept that, then this simply is not a person who is emotionally safe to BE sexual with.

Seriously. Agreeing to sex you don't feel good about isn't okay, and it's not something any healthy partner should ask of us. It's the way to make sure you enter into or build an unhealthy relationship and unhealthy sexual dynamics.

Because *I* know that, given what I do, I am not comfortable talking with you about how things may or may not work or go that you are telling me you really don't want to do in the first place. I'm only comfortable supporting your limits and boundaries, and being a support for your no when no is where you're at.

I'm just not okay doing or saying anything that I know only enables unhealthy sexual interactions that aren't truly consensual. And I'd strongly advise you not walk into that -- or be talked into that -- either.

You want to say, "No, not until your shot is fully effective, because that's the only way I feel comfortable with this." So, the very best advice -- the only ethical advice -- anyone could give you here is to do just that and say just that, and insist your girlfriend act like someone with the emotional maturity to BE someone's partner and accept and respect that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Hello123
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Put lube inside the condom*** and she asked them and they said that she will be fine if she uses the plan b that Friday to be extra safe but I guess as a partner I don't want it to cause harm to her body since I care about her deeply. But I told her I was not her parent and that I was agains the shot to begin with but it was her body and her choice I even linked her to your website and personal stories you have of people on depo but said she still wanted to try it.

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Molias
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Here's a bunch of info on condoms that should help:
Condom Basics: A User's Manual
Birth Control Bingo: Condoms

And I'm definitely with Heather on this one - if you want to wait to have sex, it's really up to your girlfriend to respect your wishes.

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Karybu
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As long as the condom is used for all genital contact and doesn't rip or slip off, then Plan B isn't necessary. There's an article right here that details how to use a condom properly: Condom Basics: A User's Manual

BUT. If having sex before the depo shot is effective for her is not something you feel comfortable with, condom or not, that's a limit you get to have and one she needs to respect. Someone who pushes your boundaries or does not acknowledge them is not a safe sexual partner, period.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Hello123
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Okay Heather you're absolutely correct and I will tell her that. We will wait till the shot is in full affect and talk about healthier ways to build a relationship. Btw would a condom be necessary while on depo when it's in full affect? We are both clean

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Hello123
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I think the problem I have is simply trusting condoms on their own [Frown] I do tend to worry a lot. I just hear a lot about them ripping and I have two slip off on me on very different occasions one was too loose and the other was an accident because she jumped of cuz I hurt her unintentionally. But thank you every single one of you... I would love to one day work in the sex education field.

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Heather
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You know, I have heard you say, here and in other threads, what sounds like that what you are most comfortable with is using condoms and a second method, just per pregnancy alone.

Condoms don't rip a lot: when used properly, broken or ripped condoms are actually rare (only about one in every 2,000 uses or more).

But if you now think you'd feel okay, pregnancy-risk wise, not using a condom, and you want to know about STI risks, here's that deal: if you both have been together exclusively for at least six months, where you each had a full round of STI tests, with negative results, at the end of that six months, and then both stay exclusive, then STI risks would be low.

I'd just also want to make sure ditching condoms is something YOU want to do, because I'm picking up, in some of these conversations, what sounds like a dynamic where you might not be doing so well being assertive about what you need, and where your partner may be pressuring you in some ways. So, again, if possibly not using condoms isn't something YOU also really want and feel okay about, then this is something else you get to have a limit around. You get to say, to any sexual partner, "In order to be okay having sex, I need a reliable birth control method and to use condoms. If you don't want that, that's fine, but if you want to have sex with me, this is what I need."

[ 03-05-2013, 06:02 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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FYI, if you want more information about Depo-Provera, just because, we have a full page on it here: Depo-Provera (The Shot)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hello123
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I guess if its okay with you can I talk about how reliable condoms are on their own? Not because of her but because of me... I noticed people trust them so much as their sole protection from pregnancy but me and I do attend a university (UCSB)and condoms are so praised. I will read the articles provided too.

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Karybu
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When used properly, condoms are a very effective method of birth control (and the only one that protects against STIs as well). Do you have any specific questions about their effectiveness?

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Hello123
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I do love tojan's ultra thin condoms expecially since that specific type has never slipped off and never had a problem with it and I do trust myself to put it on long before any genital contact. And according to your information the think condoms are just as reliable as the regular ones correct?

I have however noticed that i never finish when we have sex... so theres not much for the condom to even trap.

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Heather
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Sure.

So, in perfect use, condoms are 98% effective in one year of use. In typical use -- which includes not using them at all, confusing, I know, but I can explain more of why if you like -- they're around 85% effective in a year.

Did you have more questions than that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Molias
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The Birth Control Bingo article I linked above has effectiveness rates for perfect use (98%) and typical use (85%). So with perfect use they're really reliable! This is why I think you'll be well-served by doing some reading up on proper condom use - "typical use" includes a lot of mistakes like storage issues or not using enough lube (which makes tears more likely). Condoms are also great because they are something you can keep on hand and insist on using; there's a lot of security to be gained from knowing you're being proactive.

[ 03-05-2013, 06:38 PM: Message edited by: Molias ]

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Karybu
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All condoms are equally effective, and it may be that the thin ones are even less likely to break because there's less material and therefore less friction. It sounds like you're using them properly too, so the chance of a condom failure is very low.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Hello123
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I am... I have explored your marvelous site for hours and hours and the issue is with me really... and like i said i never finish (but I still enjoy the activity) so idk what it is... i wish i knew. Condoms have slipped on me but for reasons I am aware of, none have ripped. And im happy with my partner its use that she worries less than i do and so does everyone else i have met.

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Karybu
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It sounds like you trust hormonal birth control, though, right? So in your mind, what are the differences between hormonal BC and condoms? What is it about hormonal BC that you trust?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Hello123
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to Molias thank you! And i store them in their original box in a drawer and keep them away from fluorescent light and sunlight and I put lube on the outside of the condom but not really on the. inside because it makes it hard for me to put on. I even purchased a plastic case for them if i ever want to keep them in my backpack, on the go, or with while IM IN the car Will that still be considered perfect use?

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Karybu
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Part of perfect use is proper storage, and that means keeping them in a case or container of some kind so that the condoms can't get punctured or torn. Sounds like you're doing that just fine. [Smile]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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Hello123
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Hmm... Im not sure really what it is. and ironically i trust condoms more which is why i wont give them up even when she is on the pill and most likely still use them while she is on the shot i dont know yet. I feel more in control when im using a condom because i can see that my fluids are still inside and that it didnt rip i guess my problem is of it coming off or ripping and not noticing but as you wonderful people have stated that rarely happens and even less with thin condoms and lube.

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Molias
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Well, if using condoms makes you feel better and more comfortable having sex, it's certainly fine to continue to use them. Doubling up with a hormonal method isn't going to hurt and just means extra protection from pregnancy. I can understand why having that visual of a properly-used condom would help you feel more in control of the situation. I really do think that if you make sure to follow basic instructions for proper use you won't have to worry about the condom breaking or coming off - manufacturer error is very rare and most breaks come from user error instead.

Plus, of course, condom use does also offer protection from STIs, which hormonal birth control methods do not do. It sounds like you're being really conscientious and keeping your condoms in a safe place, so good for you!

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Hello123
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Sorry I know im being a bit of a pain but im really grateful for your patience and feel so mcuh better, I really do! [Big Grin]

My last question is if the condom does not fail, does not rip or fall of, and catches all the semen or if i dont finish at all (which most likely will happen) and we use the condom from start to finish, is it safe to say she is not pregnant perhaps more on the 99% and that we stand at highly unlikely pregnancy?

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Hello123
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Oh and is it okay to only use lube on the outside of the condom?

Thank you for all your help I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

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Molias
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What you're describing is using the condom as directed, so in that case yes, you're looking at a situation where pregnancy is very unlikely.

It's ok to use lube only on the outside, but putting a drop or two of lube inside (or on the head of your penis before you put it on) can make it more comfortable for you. But if you prefer not to use lube inside, that's fine.

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Hello123
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Simply out of curiosity if you use a condom but dont ejaculate.... what are the chances then? I read your all the articles on condoms and pre-ejaculation and all but im just curious and didnt want to start a new topic

Thank you Molias for answering the last question

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Kachina
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That would be condom + withdrawal, which is 99.92% effective with perfect use - 95.95% effective with typical use.

Here are more rates for combining methods:
The Buddy System: Effectiveness Rates for Backing Up Your Birth Control With a Second Method


[ 03-06-2013, 12:27 AM: Message edited by: Kachina ]

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Hello123
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May i ask what is considered perfect use and what is considered typical when it comes the combination of these methods?

Would perfect us be using a condom for all genital contact,the condom not ripping or slipping and testing it for holes after with water, not ejaculating at all in my case and removing the condom in a bathroom while holding the bottom? And i store my condoms as best as possible in cases and away from light and heat or cold

oh and if a condom slips halfway down the shaft and i roll it back down is that even safe? I noticed i did that once and now looking back i should double check with you.

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Heather
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Our pages on condoms make very clear what proper use is and isn't. Here are two of those to get started with, but if you search the main site, you can find more than this, if you want more:

• Condom Basics: A User's Manual
• Condoms

Condoms do NOT need to be filled with water, and absolutely should NOT be before putting them on. That's a way to wear down your condom and help yourself have a hard time getting it on properly. The idea that condoms have small holes in them no one can see also isn't real: it's based on propaganda to scare people away from sex, not sound scientific or medical information.

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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hello123
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Heather do you trust condoms alone for pregnancy risks? I think its the propoganda that affects me because everyone else seems okay with condoms as long as they didnt slip off, break, and were used from start to finish they just see no pregnancy risk at all but i cant help and think abou the remaining 2% and okay I will look for typical use of withdrawal then on the bingo thank you

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Heather
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Are you asking abut me, personally? Like, for myself? Or more broadly?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Hello123
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I suppose both personally and boradly... I really think im too paranoid about condoms and maybe sex... i know that many people have sex and rely on condoms alone and like i said when they dont worry about pregnancy or even think they might be when the condom doesnt rip, break, slip, and go on about their days happy but im stuck with just focusing on the 2% even when i do no ejaculate and they do.

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Hello123
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I guess what I'm tryin to get at is if it does not slip, rip, break, and used from start to finish people say that pregnancy is pretty much impossible... Like extremely rare and extremely unlikely... Is is safe to agree?

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Heather
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Well, personally, I'd say that's depended on how much I don't want to be pregnant. In my own personal life, I generally have always used two methods -- one of which is always condoms -- with ANY partner when a) I really, really, really did not want to become pregnant, and/or b) I just wasn't in the kind of relationship with a partner where I wanted to ever have to deal with a pregnancy.

On the other hand, I've, myself, often used condoms all by themselves with very long-term (as in years, not months) relationships, or at times when a possible pregnancy risk feels like it would be more manageable (like when I knew I could access Plan B, once it came on the scene, or pay for an abortion if needed).

(It might also help to know that for health reasons, I'm not a person who can use hormonal methods of birth control or IUDs, so I've often had limited options, even in the last 15-20 years when more methods have been available than were when I was younger.)

And all of this has a lot to do with how much or how little risk I have been open to, and that's really how you and yours will make these choices, too.

Like, I have heard you make clear you aren't comfortable with condoms alone, which is FINE. You GET to have that preference and you GET to need more protection that if that's what you want and need.

More broadly, I feel confident with condoms, as I do with all other methods we have well-studied effectiveness rates for, that they are just as effective as we know they are from those rates. So, for someone who is okay with that 98% in perfect use and 85% in typical? I know and think they do that.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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