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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » I didn't know she wasn't consenting

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Author Topic: I didn't know she wasn't consenting
Member # 104922

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My gf has broken up with me (we are both girls) . The main issue was that i was that i was being sexually overbearing: each time we'd hang out i would want to have sex and if we werent hanging out, id message her about sex or send her dirty pics. She is my first gf and she was very sex positive and would talk about great sex with past partners. I lost my virginity to her and i felt like inadequate sexual partner and i always tried to make up for it by trying what i thought was stepping up to her level (sexually). She would also tell me no in other ways so she wouldnt hurt my feelings and i didnt understand those no messages. it was too much for her and she didnt tell me this until after we broke up. I asked for a second chance and apologized. I feel especially bad because she is a survivor of rape. I didnt want to hurt her due to my insecurities. I feel worse with some childhood trauma from my dad bothering my mom to have sex and she would say no. How do you guys advise on apologizing and trying to rekindle a relationship or at least a friendship. We did love each other.


Posts: 1 | From: california | Registered: Mar 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Allie R
Member # 102566

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Hello errarrgh, and welcome to Scarleteen.

First, I'm sorry to hear about this. Breakups can be difficult for everyone involved.

However, I think it's important to give your friend some space at the moment. Time heals everything, so to speak, and it can offer you both some time to reflect on your relationship and yourselves. It's also a matter of respecting her boundaries.

For the future, it would also be prudent to important to know what exactly consent means; we do have an article handy for exactly that, right here: Driver's Ed for the Sexual Superhighway: Navigating Consent

You mention having insecurities and childhood trauma- both may be influencing your behavior beyond your breadth of control. If you'd like, you can discuss those feelings here and we'll be available to you. In the end we'd recommend perhaps seeking professional help, because bear in mind there's only so much we can do for you here. How does that sound?


Posts: 109 | From: Maryland | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

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