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Author Topic: First Time at Commitment
reginamary
Neophyte
Member # 103240

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After numerous risky and sketchy relationships, I got really sick of putting effort in relationships all together. In most of the relationships I was used and cheated on; I was usually neglected and I didn't feel like I was treated with any worth. However a couple of months ago, I started talking to guy who used to live close by me, and then moved 300 miles away due to his dad's job. We've been talking a lot, texting and calling. He's almost like my best friend, except more. I can tell him everything and he tells me everything, too. Sometimes he texts me in the middle of the day just to say that I wish were with him or that he badly wants to hug me whenever he is sad. There is nothing we can hide from each other and nothing we regret telling each other. I was trying to be careful for falling for him, but I developed feelings for him. I did truly feel something real with him. There is something in my gut that he isn't like any guys that I've been with the past. A couple of weeks ago, he admitted to me that he couldn't stop thinking about me and he truly cared about me. He wanted us to be closer because he felt that the feelings he had for me were stronger than friendship. It was soon after he asked me to be is girlfriend. And I agreed.

We've been talking more intensely and more seriously since we're in a committed relationship. However, we still have respect for each other and we don't cross boundaries. But I admitted to him that I was still a virgin and wanted to lose it with him. He never brought sex up before I did. He isn't a virgin, but I didn't really mind, because all I wanted to know I was doing it with someone I could trust. We are sexually attracted to each and was deciding during Spring Break to be together for a weekend. Thanks to other posts on Scarlet Teen, I opened to him about my views on sex, talked about contraception, the risk of pregnancy, etc. He was really supportive of it. We agreed that we weren't both ready for kids and wanted to pursue our careers first. He agreed to using condoms. And thanks to the Scarlet Teen texting service, I knew how to ask my doctor about prescribing to birth control pills, which now I'm currently using.

However, I'm still new at this whole commitment thing. I have never been so faithful to just one person, and he's 300 miles away from me. I had barely hung out with before he had moved. I also agreed to be his girlfriend just talking to him on the phone. How do I know that this is "real" commitment? I'm having trouble trying to realize what has been going on because this all really new to me.

Posts: 3 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi reginamary and welcome to the boards,

I'm glad to hear that our other resources have been so useful to you. [Smile]

you know, commitment means different things to different people, so how about we start by figuring out what commitment means to you? What does commitment look like to you? What would it it ideally feel like?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
reginamary
Neophyte
Member # 103240

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Hi Robin Lee! Thanks for replying.

Honestly for me commitment to me right now is being devoted to just one person for everything, all tied together with an unbreakable bond. I mostly see this in marriages. But I know marriages can break, so I always thought commitment can end as roughly or smoothly as divorce.

I really do think I can be happy with someone without a commitment, but then again, being committed to just one person is a really nice feeling because you'll always know someone is there for you.

Now that I realize, I'm more curious on what should I look for in committed relationship? I'm nervous about having a boyfriend, honestly. I don't know what to expect, especially since were dealing with a long distance relationship and I don't have with me to talk things together other on the phone. Having my first relationship and having it long distance is really tricky!

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Robin Lee
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I'm wondering: What do you mean by being devoted to one person for everything? Where do friends and family fit into that?

There's really no one way that relationships go or one pattern they should follow. What relationships look like will depend on the people involved and on their circumstances. I definitely hear you on it feeling tricky to be in a first relationship and have it be long-distance. So much of what we hear about relationships specifies that in-person is better. Certainly, when we can see a partner more often it takes away some of the fears and lack of confidence that can creep in for some people when things are long-distance.

What do you feel is the hardest part for you of this relationship being long-distance?

You might find this article about long-distance relationships helpful.

Going the Distance: A Few Thoughts on Long-Distance Relationships

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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have you shared any of your fear and uncertainty with your boyfriend? Perhaps it would help you to talk about that with him, and also to come up with some ways that you'll both feel connected, even though you're a long way away from each other.

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
reginamary
Neophyte
Member # 103240

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I have a lot of family and friend problems at the moment, so it's nice that I have someone to put my truest feelings and effort on just one person.

Last night we talked about our deepest fears. One of them for me was being in a relationship. He told me a lot about his own childhood and the struggles he had growing up in an abusive household. Hearing all of this and the communication seems to be right. It made me feel like he could trust me with his past, even though it was troubling. For me, I really want to take care of him and make him worry less.

It just feels like I'm so far away from him that I can't do enough to make him feel better. I think being in a long distance relationship limits how much we can express to each other. Not physically being with him makes me left out and alone even though our communication is fine. There is some points in our conversation where I truly break down because I can't believe someone so far away has this much to think about, just for me. He himself has had long distance relationships, but not as far as mine. He told me that being in a LDR is something he isn't worried about because he trusts me to be faithful and committed even with the distance.

I feel like it's all me that's doing the worrying, which he has told me before. He told me not to worry, that will stay strong together and he will do matter what to keep us both happy. The effort he is doing for all of this makes me realize he does want this to work.

There is so much I want to tell him, but I rather tell him in person. The distance is really bothering me because I want to just be with him. But I'll read the article, thank you so much!

Posts: 3 | From: California | Registered: Feb 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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