Alrighty, to start out I've worked myself into a bit of a mental tangle of knots and I apologize if this is disjointed.I'm not really sure if this is an 'appropriate' question or what not, but I saw some that were similar and thought I'd give it a shot. I would really appreciate some help even if this message sounds particularly deranged in anyway.
I'm stuck sort of err---finding my sexual identity??
I discovered BDSM a while back--being a rather rapid reader from an extremely young age I quickly lost interest in books under 200 pgs and ventured into the adult section (only so many books in a library) so it wasn't too long until I stumbled across a few pieces of 'forbidden fruit' as it were-- but besides my usual curiosity I let it go and moved on. Unfortunately I began to enjoy some of those particular 'more adult' ---not necessarily BDSM-- books with more sexual tastes to them. Err... anyways around my entrance into highschool I sort of figured out that some of the things that 'flipped a switch' weren't exactly seen as normal 'flip switchers' if you know what I mean. and it reopened the door back into the BDSM area. I've pushed it away a total of maybe four times this year--bouts where I start researching and putting thought forward for weeks-- and I've tried to convince myself it's not something I'm interested in- people get passing fancies and such.
I've always been a bit more sexually aware than most my age (even if no one but myself realizes it) as I sort of stated before and I've learned that I do tend to lean towards more aggressive tastes but I know that's not all BDSM is and from research I know that other acts in it fascinate me as well. I know I'm more of a submissive nature but then certain things I'm not submissive at all in. But the thing is that I don't think I could handle the casual side for long periods of time but the other option frightens me far worse as I feel as if I'd be swallowed whole.
Now, that would be simple to solve, just stay out of that particular area, right? And I would, I've tried so hard but there's another problem. I'm not interested in the other option. I don't get aroused by other things, hell I haven't even found someone I'm attracted to give a second thought because I can't find certain personality traits. I don't even fantasize properly. What's even worse? This could all be in my head and I'm delusional with polluting my mind with stories because I'm still a virgin so the things that I think I like could be completely wrong.
I'm just completely stressed out with this and it won't leave me alone so I thought maybe if someone could make sense of it.....I probably confused everyone as much as I've confused myself Sorry. I just wanted to give background...and got more confused while typing.
The main question I have is, From the mess you just read--- Should I continue ignoring this?
Sorry if I just made no sense or if it was an inappropriate topic. If it was you have my sincerest apologies.
-------------------- the kisses of the raindrops blended with the wanting sighs of the wind and the world watched as it danced a waltz with weeping clouds across the bleak night sky Posts: 2 | From: Within the Tempests of My Mind | Registered: Feb 2013
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Hi WhisperingWinds and welcome to Scarleteen,
So, what I hear you saying is that you're worried about the kinds of sexual desires and sexual fantasies you have.
You've said that you don't find anyone attractive. Am I understanding correctly that you haven't been in a relationship before?
One does not have to have been in a relationship or experienced sexual activities with another person to know what they may or may not be interested in. At the same time, what sexual fantasies one enjoys doesn't necessarily say anything about what one will or will not enjoy with a partner.
Aside from reading sexual books, how, if at all, do you interact with yourself sexually? That is, do you masturbate or fantasize or express your sexuality in some other way?
You're expressing confusion here, but I'm not quite sure what the confusion is about. Are you worried that what you're feeling is somehow wrong, or somehow not to be trusted? If so, putting that aside for a moment, are there concrete thigns that you want, such as interacting with yourself sexually, having a romantic or sexual (or both) partner, or something else?
-------------------- Robin Posts: 4330 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011
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I apologize for the lack of distinction. I'm having a bit of row with conflicting feelings so that makes things more difficult to define. I'll do my best to respond adequately.
I'm not specifically worried about the sexual fantasies and desires I have- though perhaps that plays a large role. My worry is more towards the fact that I'm not interpreting them correctly. Or 'projecting' fantasies of someone else as my own.
No I have not been in a relationship before but even when I was presented opportunities to engage in such affairs I couldn't bring myself to. It's a little unnerving for me as most girls from junior high up that I've known gush over types they find attractive and I have yet to find anything of that sort to identify with.
I realize that portion of it--which is why I'm a bit ...
I've masturbated for a while now but.... never fantasies really besides a few random ideas here and there but nothing as fabricated as what one would call 'fantasies' during such activities. I also am a bit of a hobby writer and choose to express myself through that means at times.
At this point I haven't a clue, really.Yes I am I'd have to agree to feeling a little worried as to if what I'm feeling is wrong or not to be trusted because from what I've read I don't quite have the perspective of either practice or lifestyle if you will. Concrete...is a term I don't grasp well it seems. To be simple I'd pick D all of the above and some other things. They sort of all interconnect because if you don't understand yourself than any hope of relationship really is nil... but then again I'm not entirely sure I'm ready for a relationship.
Thank very much you for your reply to my post
Posts: 2 | From: Within the Tempests of My Mind | Registered: Feb 2013
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Member # 90293
I can certainly understand how it would feel strange that your sexuality and attractions don't seem to be following the same path as those of the girls you've heard gushing about relationships or about the people they're attracted to. Know, though, that for all the people who are vocal about these things, there are many who are not, or who are vocal about them as a way to fit in socially but don't actually share the same type of interest.
In other words, I don't think that there's anything strange about you not being attracted to specific people or not feeling quite ready for a relationship right now.
A lot of people think of sexuality as something that is fixed, but in reality, for a lot of people, it's something that changes over time, changes as we change and have new experiences.
I think the articles I'm about to link you to might help you clarify some things, or at least give you some new ways of thinking about them.
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