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Author Topic: Sorrry this is long, but please help..
neonmeow
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Hi, I really need help with this. I feel too ashamed to talk to anyone in person.
About a month ago my boyfriend and I were playing around and he was trying to have sex with me but I kept pushing him away because he didn’t have a condom on. He then started playing around with my butt and then pushed his penis into my anus.
I suffer from an anxiety disorder and sometimes I detach from what is happening around me as a way of coping with stressful situations (it’s called depersonalization) so I did not register what was happening for a few seconds. As soon as I realised what was happening I felt scared and asked “Are we having anal?” I then pushed him away from me and broke down in tears. It has always been established that I didn’t want to do anal in our relationship. He then said “Thanks for letting me do that.” And tried to have sex with me again. I pushed him away and spent the rest of the night crying. I felt so sick, like my skin was crawling and a huge part of me had been taken away. I didn’t want to do anal and if we had talked about it beforehand I wouldn’t have agreed to it. We talked after and I told him it hurt me and I felt violated and I didn’t want to do it again. He then said he didn’t want to do it again either because it grossed him out.

The other night my boyfriend and I were fooling around again but I was on my period so we couldn't have sex. My boyfriend then started rubbing my butt. I asked him what he was doing and he said he was just squeezing my butt. He then started fingering my butt hole. I freaked out and asked him what he was doing. He later said he was horny and trying to have some kind of sex. I feel so sick every time I think about it. I feel like I can’t breathe. I just want this feeling to go away but it won’t. I tried to talk to him about it and he said he misread my signals and thought it was okay but he doesn't understand how terrible I feel.
I feel so ashamed. I know there is nothing inherently wrong with anal sex but I didn't want to do it and I feel so used. What do I do? I know I don’t have any right to feel upset because he says he just misread my signals but I feel burned because he knew how it made me feel last time. What am I supposed to do? Is what he did wrong? Should I just let this go? How can i trust him again?
Sorry for so many questions.

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x x

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Welcome, neonmeow, and it's fine to ask these questions.

It sounds very clearly like your boyfriend isn't someone safe to be sexual with. It also sounds like you know that now.

He clearly doesn't respect the boundaries you set, and like his only reason for not doing a given sexual thing is because he might not like it, not because you might not, or have made clear you don't, want it.

You do have a right to be upset, and I don't think he misread your signals or words. "I don't want to do that," after all, is hardly murky: it's very clear. It seems pretty obvious he instead just keeps choosing to ignore them. [Frown] It's also clear to me he chooses not to ask you to do things, and instead just does them, because he knows if he asks you'll say no, and then he'll have to take full responsibility for disrespecting your boundaries if he does.

Like I said, I really don't think this is a safe person to be in a sexual relationship with. can I ask why you're asking how to stay with this person and learn to trust him when it's clear he's not trustworthy, and to keep yourself safe and sound, you shouldn't trust him?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neonmeow
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I want to learn how to trust him again because I still feel like I want to be with him. But I don't know how to be with someone who would treat me like this. He just always seemed so mature and okay with boundaries before this so it's hard for me to understand what happened.

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x x

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neonmeow
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P.S. Thank you so much for replying to my question. It means so much to be able to tell someone.

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x x

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Heather
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I know how hard it can be to accept something like this from someone you care about.

At the same time, this is about your safety and your health and well-being. Your boyfriend is someone who has shown you, more than once now, that not only will he sexually assault you, he'll try and rationalize or pretend that's not what he has done. You expressed that you felt violated: that's because this person did violate you.

When we say we don't want to do something sexual, and someone does it anyway without our permission, that's sexual assault. And we shouldn't ever trust that person, or try to, because they have made very clear they're not to be trusted, because they are unsafe for us.

I hear you being clear that you wouldn't know how to be with someone who does that, and I think that's good, because no one should be. It might help to think about if your boyfriend would choose to be with someone who, as an example, since this is what he did to you, engaged in anal sex with him when he'd already said he didn't want to. Do you suspect he'd stay with that person or be vulnerable around them again?

[ 01-16-2013, 04:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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And of course, you're welcome, and I'm happy to help you talk through this.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Just checking to make sure you're okay after reading this. I know sometimes hearing someone else say even what we already know when it's tough stuff like this can really throw us for a loop.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neonmeow
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Do you think I should try to explain this to my boyfriend? I just want him to understand.
What do I do now? Do I just stop seeing him? Is there anything that will make me stop feeling so violated and sick?

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x x

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Heather
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Personally, I don't think that anything you say is going to change your boyfriend's behaviour. After all, you have already said you don't want to do things, he has done them anyway. You have cried. You have pushed him away. And not only has he still done what we wanted, he fed you a line about "misread signals" to try and get away with it.

My guess? He does understand what he's been doing isn't okay. It's not about him not understanding he's violating you, it's about him putting what he wants ahead of your welfare and well-being. [Frown]

Personally, I think the best thing any of us can do when we are physically able to, and someone has shown us they will do whatever they want to us just because they want to do it, even if it hurts us or they know we don't want it is to get away from them and stay away from them.

I liken this -- even though sexual assault is a far more serious crime -- to how we'd treat someone who we invited into our home, and who stole things from our house. Would we invite them over again? Doubtful. Would we try and explain to them that stealing our money, food or other property isn't okay? Nope: we'd not let them in again for any reason if we could help it.

So, personally, I would not keep seeing someone like this. I would either stay away from them or stay away from them and report them to the police. Again, sexual assault is a crime.

In terms of how you're feeling right now, this is a trauma that tends to take nearly everyone, if not everyone, time to heal from.

I'm happy to tell you some steps you can take to get started with that if you like, and I'm so sorry that you're in this position.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neonmeow
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Thank you and please please tell me what I can do.

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x x

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Heather
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Of course. And I'm so sorry to say these things: I know they're true, and I'm likely only validating what you already know -- but don't like, because who would? -- and that they're important for your safety and well-being, but I never like having to tell someone this stuff.

In terms of working on healing, I'd say the first step is making sure that you don't get hurt any further by this person: so, back to that get-away-and-stay-away part. Is that something you need some help with?

One next step might be to tell someone you know you can trust, and who you know is caring and supportive of you about this. You came here and told me, and that's a great, big step. If you can tell someone in-person and get some support in-person, that often helps a whole lot.

Counseling or a support group is another common big help in healing from partner abuse and sexual assault. Is that something you might be open to? If so, we can take a look and see what's available for you in your area. Many places offer counseling or support for sexual assault survivors free of charge.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neonmeow
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I don't know if I can tell anyone. I don't want to cause a big fuss. I don't know if anyone will believe me and I just don't want everyone to know about it. I'm so scared people will react with repulsion. What if people think I am just seeking attention and turn against me?
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Heather
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Generally people who react that way when someone discloses they have been abused or assaulted are people who:
• aren't at all educated about abuse or assault
• don't know you well enough to really care about you
• have been abused or assaulted themselves and don't want to believe it, or
• have abused or assaulted someone and don't want to take responsibility

Can you think of anyone in your life who doesn't seem to fall into those groups?

Mind, you also can start instead with a person or resource who exist to serve victims and survivors, where there simply isn't anyone who will react by blaming you, disbelieving you, or with repulsion.

It can also be helpful to try and keep in mind that your feelings aren't going to be the same as other people's feelings. Victims of sexual abuse or assault often feel ashamed, feel like they shouldn't be believed, or feel like they're
making a fuss," but most of those feelings are feelings a person has because they have been assaulted or abused. They aren't the same feelings someone who loves you and cares about you is going to have.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I'm also happy to suggest some articles or books you could buy or find at the library if you feel like that's the safer route for you to seek out support and help at first.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Of course, you and I can just talk for a little while, too. Sorry, I'm a little scattered today!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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I'm heading off our direct services for the day soon, by the way, but I'll be back tomorrow if you'd like to talk more.

In the meantime, please keep yourself safe tonight and also do something to take care of yourself nicely, okay? Whatever makes you feel cared for by you, tonight would be a good night to do something like that.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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neonmeow
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Sorry I had to go out to class today. I want to go and see someone at a center they have in my city for sexual assault victims. If I do this will they notify anyone? I want to talk to someone but I don't want anyone I know to see me. I live in a small town and I am scared someone will tell my boyfriend. Also what sort of terminology should I use? I don't know if I will be able to say exactly what happened because It's too hard say it out loud.
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Robin Lee
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HI neonmeow,

Sexual assault centers work really hard to make themselves safe, confidential places. When you call them to ask about their services, you can ask them what their confidentiality policies are. However, unless you're below the age of
consent and were assaulted by an adult (which it doesn't sound like you were) they should have no reason to tell anyone and should honour your confidentiality needs.

IN terms of what to tell them, you can tell them whatever you're comfortable with. If it would help to have specific words, you could tell them that you were sexually assaulted by your boyfriend.

I'm really glad you want to get help with this.

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Robin

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Molias
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Hi neonmeow,

I am so sorry you're having to deal with this assault and betrayal from your boyfriend. I know it can feel overwhelming to reach out and get help; I'm glad you feel comfortable talking about this here and maybe with someone at the center in your town. Also I want to echo what Heather said and say that you absolutely have the right to be upset; if you tell someone "I don't want to do this" and they do it anyway, that's not a case of them misreading your signals; that's a case of deliberately disrespecting your wishes and it's a terrible thing to do to someone.

I will say that in my training at a rape crisis center, we were told to only break confidentiality if someone threatened harm to themselves or another person, or if they were a minor who had been assaulted by an adult, as Robin mentioned. Other than that, every interaction we had with survivors who contacted us was completely confidential. So you shouldn't have to worry about your boyfriend finding out that you talked to anyone about what he did if you don't want him to know, although that's definitely something you could discuss with folks at the center before you give them any information.

Does your center have a crisis hotline as well? If there's one available, you may feel more comfortable talking to someone over the phone. You wouldn't have to give your real name or location. I don't know where you're located, but if that sounds like an option you'd like to learn more about, we could help you find a crisis line in your area.

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neonmeow
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I called the center in my town and I am going to go and talk to them on Monday when they open after the weekend.
Is it normal to sometimes feel like I am being really stupid about this? Like I am making a big fuss and I should just let it go? My boyfriend didn't seem worried at all and was a bit surprised when I tried to bring it up to talk to him about it which makes me think maybe I'm just being overly dramatic. What do you think? I know how it made me feel, and I've never felt worse about anything in my life but I don't want to be made a fool of. [Frown]
Also thank you all so much. I really don't know what I would have done without having this service. It was so difficult to even call the center and ask to see someone without crying. This site is really a life saver.

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smittenkitten
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Hi neonmeow, I'm so sorry to hear about what has happened to you.

Good job on arranging to meet with someone, I hope it goes well.

Don't ever think that you are being overly dramatic or somehow to blame for what your boyfriend did. What he did was sexual assault. You clearly stated your boundaries and he violated them. It is not dramatic or a fuss to want to have your wants and limits respected by a partner. You are not a fool.

Please let us know how your talk with the center goes and don't hesitate to let us know if there's any more support we can provide.

All the best,

Marion

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Robin Lee
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I'm also glad to hear you were able to connect with the center.

People who sexually assault other people generally don't think of it as a big deal, so I wouldn't put too much value in how your boyfriend reacts to you trying to talk to him about what happened.

I can imagine that
that is tough. It's natural to still care about what your boyfriend thinks since it does sound like there was a time when he showed caring for you.

Know that you are entitled to own your experience regardless of what anyone else thinks of it. You know how you felt. Also know that what he did wasn't a loving, caring thing, and his dismissal of your feelings isn't loving and caring either.

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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Hi Again neonmeow,

I wanted to check in with you about something. You said above that you talked to your boyfriend. I wanted to check and see if you were spending time alone with him, and to encourage you not to do that. He's already shown that he can't be trusted to respect your boundaries you set for your own personal safety.

Some people do find it helpful to talk to the person who assaulted them, but not until they've spent time building up their strength and resources, since, as you've already seen through his response to you, abusers tend to respond by denying or blaming others for what happened.

Above all you need to take care of your physical and emotional safety right now, and a big part of that is making sure that your boyfriend doesn't have the opportunity to assault you again.

--------------------
Robin

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neonmeow
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Hey,
I went and talked to someone at the center today and she was really helpful. I'm going to start counselling there soon and they have a 24/7 call line too. I've been doing loads of self care techniques and doing much better. I think being able to tell people here helped so much. Thank you thank you thank you.

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Robin Lee
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Hi Neonmeow,

You're so welcome!

You've taken some big steps here, which is awsome!

I'm so glad to hear the folks at the centre are helpful and that you'll have counselling and the crisis line.

If you need any other support or help, or just need to talk some more, just let us know. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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scarlett_99
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i'm a teenager and am in highschool. it's very akward to discuss this but scarleteen has become one of the sites i can easily trust for advice.. I have a best friend who is a boy and we'e been friends since about 4 years now..he had previously asked me if i wanted to date him but i refused because i had a "crush " on another guy since 6 years... over the years me and the guy(the one who is my best friend) have become even better friends and i have a lot of fun with him. i just can't stop talking about him and to him.. but recently i got out of touch with him and he now has a girlfriend.. the problem is that i don't find my crush attractive anymore and the guy(whose my best friend) just seems like he has'nt got enough time for me.i feel a bit jealous.. i cant explain it very well..i don't think i'm "okay" with dating but i feel so ignored.. what should i do? should i have said yes to him when he had asked me? i know this question is a little out of place but i did'nt know who to ask..
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Robin Lee
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HI scarlett_99 and welcome to Scarleteen,

I'm glad to hear that you find our advice helpful. [Smile]

We do ask that people create their own separate thread for their questions rather than posting in someone else's thread. You can create your own thread by clicking on the "post new topic" link at the top of any page.

Thanks.

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Robin

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Molias
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neonmeow,

Thanks for the update! I'm so glad you were able to access support at your center. =)

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