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Author Topic: masturbation problems
cranberry 20da
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hey im very embarrassed to have to post this, but things have come to a point where im emotionally and physically desperate.

My boyfriend is amazing he kisses me and is affectionate, our domestic life is so great but we dont have sex anymore. He specifically said to me the other night we should both just masturbate because hes lazy and getting me off is too much work. I dont blame him, often his arm would get tired and he'd have to stop. But while ive performed various sexual acts for him multiple times in a week, he touches me sexually about 10 times per year. I feel awful, like ive done something wrong, i feel unattractive and disgusting and im actually quite depressed.

I know sex isnt everything in a relationship, i know that two people can love each other without sex, but my situation is very specific.
I cant masturbate for a number reasons and i dont know how to fix it.

I dont get aroused for myself, ive tried to run my hands along other parts of my body, and while some are more sensitive than others, it just feels mute and not arousing. No matter what i do ive always been dry, nothing swells, i can never find my clit, even if i rub the spot where its supposed to come out from under the hood it just feels intense but not in a pleasurable way, more like someone dragging their nails down my skin.

I like internal penetration more, but it doesn't feel like anything really, and usually i cant do it, both my hands are disabled for different reasons, my left hand and wrist is shattered and doesnt bend much at all. My right one is permanently burned and cracks open and flakes all over, whenever i try to pleasure myself internally with it, it becomes a searing burning pain and i have to run it under cold water for ten minutes just for the burned skin to calm down.

i have a toy but it keeps my boyfriend up at night, he says i should use it when hes gone, but were home at the same time between my work and his schooling.
It doesnt bring me much pleasure though, i just dont feel anything much internally but clit stimulation doesnt feel good either.

Someone said i might havd FSAD but dont people with FSAD have no desire for sexual pleasure? Because i do, i definitely do, but i cant get aroused, no matter how hard or long i try, 3 hours 4 hours, all night till the morning comes and im exhausted and unsatisfied.

I haven't been touched in nearly 3 months im desperate but i cant get aroused and everything hurts and i cant stop spontaneously crying.
i dont know what to do? [Frown]

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Heather
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I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad and are struggling with this.

You know, the issues in your relationship aside, it sounds like it's past time for you to really explore and discover your own sexuality, as it exists without this partner or any other. Even when things are going well sexually in a relationship, they're always only going to go so well if anyone in the relationship really doesn't have some ownership and prowess when it comes to their sexuality, all by themselves, about themselves.

Before going to masturbation -- and obviously, hopefully, it's a given that your boyfriend can masturbate whenever he likes, without your permission -- I'd suggest investing some time and energy just starting by trying to identify your own expreiences and sense of pleasure and desire. And before going to a sexual place with that, I'd start with other kinds of pleasure and desire, in other areas of your life.

Are you up for talking about that? If so, I'd be happy to help as I can.

if you are up for that, perhaps you can write a little about ways you experience desire -- a strong want for something, anything, but let's not make it about sex -- and pleasure -- a deep enjoyment of something, anything at all, perhaps including something (again, not sex) where you experience pleasure in both your body and your mind. can you think of some things like that and talk about them a little here?

(A little later on, btw, if you want, we can talk about options for masturbation with vaginal entry, per toys. I have a hand disability myself, so I understand that this can present some challenges.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Thank you for the prompt reply Heather, i greatly appreciate your input.

Yes my boyfriend can masturbate whenever he likes, hes very considerate and quiet or does it when im away, i have no qualms about it.

Im not really sure if i can remember a time where i had a burning desire for anything really, im pretty frugal, but i have small desires? To play video games, or to go out for a smoke occasionally, but when i entertain either i usually don't find a whole lot of enjoyment, mostly disappointment.
But i guess that's because i have had depression my whole life.
Ive never had a lifestyle where i could want things or take the time to enjoy them.

Im so sorry that wasnt a very helpful answer but this is a very new and saddening realization for me, so i dont know what to say?

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Heather
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I don't need instant magic: I'm fine to talk for a while -- days, weeks or moths even -- if you like. There's no hurry on my end, nor a need for you to magically have all the answers to anything right away.

I hear you on where you're at with desire. What about, say, a desire to eat things you like? Or to be with people you care about? Desires in terms of life goals or dreams? If with those things, you still come up mostly empty, can I ask if you have any current or past history with depression, or if that's something you've ever been evaluated for?

How about with pleasure, and the questions I asked about that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Thank you for your patience, i never expected things to get fixed instantly i was just saying that its nice to have some support. I dont think i can rush something like this.

Food isn't really appealing, some is better than others. I dont have a lot of people whom i am close to. And im not really sure where i want to go with my life. I guess id like to buy my own house in the future and grow lots of plants at some point in time maybe?

Ive had clinical depression since i was a very young child, ive been treated for it by my psychiatrists since i was a teenager.

The only thing i can think about that brings me pleasure is my family?
My family is boyfriend and our cat, if i can make either of them happy im happy.

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Heather
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If, as it sounds, you are finding that you have deeply diminished desire and pleasure in life -- what I'd call a lack of zeal or passion for living, ultimately -- and you have a history of depression, it's very likely that that is, if not THE central issue, a biggie.

Can I ask what your course of treatment is? If it's medication without talk therapy, have you tried adding talk therapy? If you do both, have you talked about all or any of this -- sexually or otherwise -- with your therapist or prescribing physician?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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I can understand why that would play a big part in self satisfaction.

I am being treated with medication and talk therapy, and i have asked him about this before but he said that that wasn't his area of expertise and didn't have any helpful advise or tips.

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Heather
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So, the answer was that this person couldn't talk to you at all about sexual issues? or about lack of pleasure and desire in your life, period?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Yes he told me he really doesnt know anything about these kinds of issues.
im sorry

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Heather
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You don't have to be sorry, but he should be.

Seriously, sexual issues and generally diminished desire and a sense of pleasure are HIGHLY common issues for people with depression, and anyone treating anyone with depression should have at least some knowledge, experience and expertise with them. At the very least, if they don't, they should be apologizing for such a big lack on their part and have another, more qualified therapist they refer patients to.

Is it possible for you to switch to a more qualified therapist? Because a) these are big issues, and are for you right now, and b) honestly, a therapist working with patients with depression who just has nothing on these things probably isn't someone very good to begin with in general.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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He is actually quite a good therapist and we talk about all the things i need to talk about except that.

I have a lot of insecurities about switching doctors, or new doctors, or doctors in general.

I don't know... Id have to think about that for a really long time, we have a shortage of doctors in my town, and most of them are awful, horrible people who shouldn't be doctors, honestly.

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Heather
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Ugh.

So, it sounds like this therapist has been good for you in some ways, but in this one major way, there's a big bunch of nothing.

Really, with this longtime history of depression, and with all of this likely at least highly influenced by your depression, I just wouldn't know how to advise you to deal with it well, and sort it out, without at least some real address of it in therapy. At the very least, an address of feeling like you have little desire or pleasure in your life, period (which I just can't figure how a therapist who works with depression has no experience with, because really, that's,. overall, the biggest part of what depression really is in a person's life).

Maybe there's somewhere in the middle to meet here? Am I right that you HAVE asked him about finding little pleasure in life period, and feeling like you have few feelings of desire in any aspect of your life? Sorry if this is a rerun, I just didn't get a sense of if this was only about sex where he said he couldn't address this or even offer a referral or any other helps.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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The two of us have worked on feeling happy, but he said that only i can find fulfillment in the things i like to do. He said it would get better as time went on and it has.
Life used to be deciding whether to live or not because i felt like everything i did was meaningless, and pointless, and a burden, but now all the things i do are just mildly disappointing.

I never asked him for a referral, maybe i should next time?
But what do i ask for a referral for?
I dont feel comfortable around doctors, and it takes me a long time to warm up to one never mind asking about my sex life.

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Heather
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I'm glad to hear that your depression has improved for you at least somewhat. [Smile]

Therapists working with people with sexuality not only understand about taking time to build trust like other therapists do, they also know well that sex and sexuality tend to be particularly loaded for people.

I'd ask him for a referral to a therapist who DOES have the education and experience to work with you around sex and sexuality. At the very least, if he's qualified to prescribe medication for you, he at least MUST have the ability to look at your meds and see if any you are taking 9and this is pretty much the case with all medications for depression) may be impacting your sex life more than an alternative medication might.

Heck, I'm not a doctor, but I can pull out my own physician's desk reference and could check that for you (and I could, by the way, if you even just want to get a sense of if you're taking any meds that are particular offenders in this department -- that way you might know if it makes sense to talk with him about sexual side effects of your medication or medications). ANY physician with a license to prescribe can do that (and plenty of people without one), so if he's saying he can't even look into sexual side effects of your medication, he's earnestly saying he's not qualified to be your physician. Get what I mean?

In terms of this relationship that you're in: it seems you're saying you've never really had real sexual desires of your own before, or found much satisfaction in masturbation. can I ask if, in this relationship, you ever felt strong sexual desires and satisfaction? If not, can you maybe clue me in on why you entered this as a sexual relationship?

[ 01-08-2013, 06:51 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(I'll only be here for another hour or so today, but if you're still around, before I go, if you like, we can brainstorm a strategy to help you manage these issues in your relationship right now, even just some basic ways to kind of shelve this with your partner while you start to try and sort it out for yourself.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Yes i could ask him about any other doctors, ill have to wait for my next appointment in a couple weeks first though. I take zoloft as an antidepressant and seroquel as an antipsychotic, do you know if either of those have effects that might be making this problem worse?

Before this relationship i had never had sexual self discovery, so to say, i didnt have a safe or private home where i could do anything like that. I remember wanting to try things with myself but never had an environment for that.

In my relationship ive felt strong sexual desires and satisfaction, not often, but yes i have.

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Heather
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Like most SSRIs, Zoloft absolutely is associated with sexual side effects like loss of desire (or reduced desire), and trouble reaching orgasm or feeling sexually satisfied. It's on most lists of SSRIs *most* likely to have those sexual side effects. Two least likely are Wellbutrin and Remeron, if you want to ask about those as options for you.

Alas, Seroquel is also associated with those side effcts.

So, while all of this probably isn't only about your medications, I'd say it's certainly worth having a discussion around medication options for those which might not have these side effects for you, or are less likely to.

I hear you saying that before this relationship, you didn't ever really explore your own sexuality in any way. Am I right about that?

if so, with this relationship, did you walk into it feeling the desire for it to be sexual? Or was this something that was more initiated by your partner, and where he really led most or altogether?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Oh well ill have to talk to my doctor about that then i guess, i had no idea both of them had sexual side effects, thank you for telling me i really appreciate it.

Yes you are correct, the environment i was in didnt allow for me to have any private time, and even if i did i never felt safe enough or alone enough to experiment with myself.

Also ive always wanted to be sexual with someone ive trusted, and im usually the one who has to initiate sexual contact with my boyfriend, he almost never does, and if he does he usually stops before the waistline and gives up.

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Heather
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When you say he gives up, can you give me a little more detail about that?

Like, let's say the two of you are making out. You're enjoying yourself, and then he stops because...?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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He tends to run his hands all over, up my shirt, but as soon as he runs his fingers under my waistband its like he's been burned, he kisses me and leaves to go do something else, or says hes tired and goes to sleep.

I feel very self conscious, like ive done something wrong or i just turn him off. [Frown]

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Heather
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Okay, so it's sounding to me like you BOTH may have some issues with desire or other sexual issues.

In other words, it sounds like by no means is this just about you.

When you talk to him about this -- this situation you just described where he stops doing whatever you two are doing sexually -- what does he usually say about it? What does he say he's feeling at that time, or expecting, or wanting that he isn't getting?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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I would say thats a logical explanation but he literally said he likes to pleasure himself, and prefers his hand most of the time over anything else.
I feel very discouraged, like he isnt interested in me at all, when i offer to give him a hand he usually tells me thats its fine and not to worry about it.

Usually if he stops our makeout session he says its because hes tired or lazy. which is just about every time recently.
Maybe he's bored of me?

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Heather
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Have the two of you talked lately about how he feels about your relationship? I hear you saying it's mostly great, save the sexual issues. Does he feel the same way?

I guess I also want to check in to see if you have a sense of if either of you really has strong sexual feelings/desire about and for the other anymore. In other words, if rather than talking about desire in general for a bit, we could shift gears and talk about your specific sexual feelings for each other?

Also, does your partner also suffer from depression? If not, would you say there was a time when he WAS far more interested in engaging in sex with you, when he didn't often stop in the middle of things because he was feeling too tired or lazy?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Just today he told me i was the best thing thats ever happened to him, and he's still very affectionate.

I definitely would like to have a sexual relationship with him, i desire him more than anything else in the world.

No my Boyfriend doesnt have depression, at one time a couple months into our relationship, sex was more common than it is now, but sexual encounters were still very few and far between.

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Heather
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Okay, but I feel a little confused, because I hear you saying that you don't often feel strong sexual desire.

Or, are you saying that the only time you DO experience strong arousal and desire is with this person? Or, if not with, for?

You say in the earlier parts of the relationship, sexual encounters were few and far between, and you also say it's usually been you initiating sex. Did he ever initiate any kind of sexual activity with you back then?

(I know I'm asking a lot of questions, btw. Just trying to fill in the gaps so we can try and get to the bottom of this.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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I do feel strong sexual desire, not just for anyone though, only for my boyfriend.

Yes he used to initiate sexual activity sometimes, even now he does, but he just doesn't go anywhere with it.

(thats okay, ask as many questions as you need.)

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Heather
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I'm starting to get some ideas for suggestions here, for the both of you, but before I make those, I want to see if I can't get a better sense of what both of you really want at this point.

I hear you saying you very much want a sexual relationship with this person, but I can't tell what his level of interest is here. You say he says things like that sex with you feels like work, that he feels too lazy or tired. he also seems to have expressed that he'd rather you both masturbate at this point. All of that sounds to me like he doesn't really want a sexual relationship anymore.

What has he said when you've talked about this? Has he said he very much still wants to try and have a sexual relationship together?

(Also, if you don't mind my asking, when he's saying it takes "too long" for you to experience orgasm or pleasure, how long are we talking here? Ten minutes? twenty? A half hour? An hour?)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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I feel like he doesnt want a sexual relationship anymore either, everything ive collected from him tells me so, i havent talked to him about it in depth, but it seems clear, im not here to convince him to do something he doesnt want to do.

( When you ask that, does the time include fooling around and foreplay?)

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Heather
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When I say sex, I mean this.

So, if "fooling around" and whatever sexual activities you call foreplay are things you each do to express and explore sexual feelings and desires, yes.

So, when you talk to him about this, he says he doesn't really want a sexual relationship anymore? Or....?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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well i guess around an hour or so, sometimes more...

I havent brought up the guts to directly ask him if hes interested in having sex any more.

Ive hinted at it lots, asked him if hes interested in sex in the near future, but he seems uninterested.

Whenever i suggest he come to bed with me he just continues using the computer, talking to people, playing video games till midnight or past.

Its been nearly three months, and he still seems uninterested, so i assume he doesn't want a sexual relationship.

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Heather
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Okay, so first things first, it sounds like you two really need to have that conversation. How he feels about this is obviously going to play a bit part in what I suggest.

I'd not make assumptions here: might you be able to have a real talk about this in the next day or two?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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cranberry 20da
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Im not sure when ill have the courage to ask that question, i guess ill get back to you when that happens.
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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Would you like some help in figuring out how to start this conversation with him?

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Robin

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cranberry 20da
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I talked to my boyfriend, and he said he is still interested in a sexual relationship with me, but that he has a hard time making the first move.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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I'm so glad you were able to start talking?

Can I ask what he also had to say about what's going on for him at those times when you've initiated, which it sounds like you usually do, and then he "stops?"

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
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