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Author Topic: Precum, anxiety, underwear
Woody811
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I'm not even sure where to start here. I've never been paranoid of freak pregnancies occurring until my dad talked to me about how easy it is to get a girl pregnant a couple moths ago. Every day since then, I thInk about it. My girlfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We would have been participating in manual sex for months before my father told me how having a baby is a great way to ruin two lives. Once we had this "talk" I did something I shouldn't and got on yahoo answers, and read so many things on how many people became pregnancy from dried sperm on the finger getting absorbed and then coming back out of the hand once it is moist. I know this is not true now, but for a week I was worried sick. Now I am very wise as to the whole fingering thing, and that I always wash my hands before going in. However here comes my most recent panic. Tuesday afternoon, my girlfriend and I masterbated each other. All was done safely, I ejaculated onto my stomach, which was wiped off thoroughly with a towl. Around 25 minutes later, using my stomach area, I did one long stroke up my girls (underwear covered) crotch. I noticed she liked it, so I continued with long strokes, using my stomach area rather than my penis (which was covered with my boxer briefs.) I started worrying though. Ecause I wondered if my penis was poking her vag, but I didn't feel it poking anything. Just to be safe I used my hand to cover her lower vagina where my penis would have been. I panicked when as soon as I put my hand down there, my penis was literally thrusting against my hand! She said she never felt anything until I put my hand down there. I got even more concerned when I found several little spots of probably precum where my penis tip would have been in my briefs. I've worried so much that now I'm starting to wonder if her undies shifted and it was exposed, but I know it wasn't. Ugh, never doing it again, and I'm also starting to panic that maybe traces of semen were on the back of my hand, I'm just so worried [Frown] Like what If traces of semen were on my stomach [Frown]

[ 01-04-2013, 11:38 PM: Message edited by: Woody811 ]

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Robin Lee
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HI Woody811 and welcome to Scarleteen,

I'm sorry to hear that you're in such a panic right now and I'm sorry that your Dad's talk with you scared you instead of helping and educating you.

I think it would help you to review just what it takes to make a pregnancy happen. How about you take a look at this article?

Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

--------------------
Robin

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Woody811
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Yes I have, several times. I've also read on this website that speem cannot travel through fabric. I guess it just freaks me out how easy it is to get pregnant if you bare gentitals just touch but if you ejaculate in your underwear (which I didn't, well, I don't know what the several spots were because I'm so scared) its all dandy. I've been thinking about te incident so much that I actually tried renacting it today with my pillows. I'm now even more frightened because every time, my penis seemed as if were about to slip out of my underwear, i was wearing briefs, and the lining at the top would stretch away from my stomach due to the penis almost busting through. I know for a fact that during the incident my penis was covered by my breifs, and her vagina was never exposed, I'm just so paranoid right now, ugh [Frown] I'm even starting to wonder that when she was giving me a had job, if I had semen on my fingers and touched the bare area right below her butt for a split second, even though I've also read that when speem meets something on its way from the penis to the vag, it's almost useless. I'm just so scared [Frown]
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Robin Lee
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So in reading the Where Did I Come From article, were you able to pick up on all the things that sperm need to create a pregnancy? For example, that they need their seminal fluid to travel into the vagina and up to meet the egg. That while only one sperm will fertilize the egg, it takes several sperm to get it there.

As you said, sperm don't just travel from place to place. Also, while we encourage people to make sure that bare genitals don't touch if they're wanting to prevent pregnancy, if a bare penis happens to touch a bare vulva for a few seconds, that generally doesn't signal a significant risk.

It sounds like right now it's not a lack of facts that's a problem for you, but maybe too many?

What do you normally do when you feel intense worry about anything?

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Robin

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Woody811
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[ 01-05-2013, 11:40 AM: Message edited by: Woody811 ]

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Woody811
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Ignore that last comment, sorry repost. But normally I just wait it out until it happens and I see it wasn't so bad. This situation is different though, it's actually something in the pAst I'm worried about rather than something in the future. Although I guess if she turned out pregnt thats in the future...
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Robin Lee
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Have you discussed your concerns with your girlfriend?

How much (or little) does having the facts help with this anxiety?

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Robin

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Woody811
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Not fully, no. She knows I worry and I've told her in the past, I also told her I was worried this time and asked if she ever felt anything poke her, she said no until I put my hand infront of her vag to cover it, just in case. She's never been worried about any of these occasions. Having the facts helps I suppose, I'm just the person that worries when one little thing goes wrong, and ten they start thinking about every possible, and impossible, detail that glcould have gone wrong.
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Onionpie
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Hi Woody. Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time with this. I'm also sorry to hear you're still worried even though you now know that you shouldn't be worrying about this. What do you think WILL help you with your anxiety around this?

Do you have any methods for dealing with other stressful situations that you could apply to this one? Another thing to consider is getting some support in-person from a professional like a counsellor or therapist. They'd be able to help you figure out ways of coping with anxiety when you have it, and also get to the bottom of what might be causing it. What do you think about that? Does that seem like something you might want to do?

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Woody811
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Not really, and I've thought about a theorist but I think it's a bit much for just this one incident. If I could just ask one question to simplify all this. If my girl and I never touch bare gentitals, and I never ejaculate onto her bare vulva or penetrate her, will there ever really be a risk?
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Onionpie
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Have you read this article: Pregnancy Scared?
That plus the "Where DID I come from" article that Robin linked earlier on will make it really clear to you that those situations just won't pose a pregnancy risk.

You can also take a look at this to reassure yourself and remind yourself of which sexual activities you can participate in that won't pose any pregnancy risk:
NO Pregnancy Risks

You seem to be pretty aware that it sounds like what your dad told you triggered your anxiety around this. But if you read the "where DID I come from article", that should make it pretty clear that there actually has to be a lot right (or wrong depending on your mindset [Razz] ) for a pregnancy to occur. It doesn't take just one sperm and an egg. Pregnancy needs a pretty specific set of factors to happen, so maybe keeping that in mind -- and the fact that those factors weren't THERE in any of what you were describing -- will help you calm down about this.

I also really suggest avoiding going to sites like yahoo answers, and it seems like you realize that was a mistake. People can outright lie very easily on the internet, and oftentimes a story that someone claims is "100% true" is actually missing some pretty important information. So if you feel the urge to look things up on the internet again, I would suggest really either not doing it or at least limiting your research to reliable websites like government or medical websites or Scarleteen or the Planned Parenthood site. Do you think you'll be able to do that from now on? And do you think that would be able to help curb your anxiety?

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Woody811
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Yes and thank you, over the past couple of months I have grown very wise over these situations. Every actual medical sight I've been on says that it doesn't go through clothes. Or that there's never been any study or proof that it does. Perhaps I should start controlling my mind over making up things that didn't happen, could have, but didn't, such as her underwear shifting of my penis being exposed, but for the worrier I am, I know I would have stopped as one of those two things would have happened.
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Onionpie
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Okay, good to hear that you do understand all of the facts around this. Is this the only pregnancy scare you've had so far? You mention that you're a worrier -- is there anything else in life that can cause anxiety like this for you?

Counsellors don't just help people with big life issues, or people who are in crises; they help out us ordinary everyday folks with our lives. Their job is to help us make the best of our lives and be as happy as we can be, and that includes helping people out with things like anxiety that they can't shake.

So if you continue to feel anxious about this, or you've had other situations in the past that have made you feel anxious, it probably would really help you and be a really good idea to look into seeing a counsellor [Smile]

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Woody811
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Well, no I have had scares in the past over things like fingering when I didn't wash my hands but wiped it off, I didn't eat much or sleep during that time period of a week. It seems though like every month I'm just anxious for her to get her period. This is the first time we ever did anything but manual sex, and if I ever do it again, I'm wearing jeans, even though I know it's safe if we both have underwear on and I don't fully ejacualte in my breifs.
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Woody811
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Also, standardized testing is comming up, I think I'm just really nervous about it all, also just started driving, I think it's all getting to me. Like I said earlier, the first quarter of school I had no worry in the world. Im in the Top 25 in my class, my girlfriend is in the top 10, with the grades I was pulling thanks to being focused and the fact that almost every day I knew I would get some pleasuring after school was great. I'm half mad at my dad fr slightly ruining me thanks to him saying, its really easy to get pregnant,, but in the same breath, if he never did that, I would have neve got online and learn all the information I have.
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Onionpie
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Okay, so if you're worried for her to get her period every month, it sounds like this is a more long-standing anxiety than just for this one incident. So it really would be a good thing to go to a counsellor about. What do you think?

I also suggest really sitting down and discussing this fully with your girlfriend, and maybe talking about stepping away from sexual activities that make you anxious. Do you think you'll be able to have that conversation with her? If you want, we could help you brainstorm ways to start that conversation. And do you think stepping away from the sexual activities that trigger this anxiety for now would help you calm down?

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Woody811
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Yes I suppose, believe me, I've analyzed it all so much. We communicate very well and tell each other what's on our minds.
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Onionpie
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Stress going on in our every-day life, like the things you've mentioned, can also really get projected into other parts of our lives (like our sex lives). So you might even just want to put sexual activity off the table until your plate is a little less full, as that may well have a lot to do with your anxiety right now.

Let us know if you need any help brainstorming for the conversation or if you would like to look into options for getting counselling! For talking with your girlfriend, this article might help you out, too:
Be a Blabbermouth! The Whats, Whys and Hows of Talking About Sex With a Partner

[ 01-05-2013, 04:14 PM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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Woody811
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Okay, thank you so much for all the calming of the situation. I will defenitly talk with her about it, and try not to let my mind makeup any more details that never happened, thanks!

[ 01-05-2013, 05:08 PM: Message edited by: Woody811 ]

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damnparanoia
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Uhm. Hi. I was browsing through articles and I came to this one. So I am meaning to ask the basically same thing. I did not do this but I am meaning to ask something like this since I can't find it in the article PREGNANCY SCARED. So here it goes. What if a bare penis touched an underwear? what if the underwear is wet? or not? is there a risk? You know . I am just preparing for times like this. I was like him too. Anxiety destroyed me for a couple of weeks but then some guys here taught me enough [Smile] thanks in advance for some answers. [Smile]
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Jacob at Scarleteen
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Hi damnparanoia, what you're asking is actually a very abstract question.

Risk is basically any possibility of something happening... there is a risk of death from doing pretty much anything, and also from doing nothing, if you count the possibility that one teeny asteroid coming down from space and landing on you, after-which your'e kaput depending on where you're standing at that exact moment.

The presence of risk isn't a sort of exact test of whether something should be done or not. Instead, it's a way of comparing decisions to help us prioritise. There is no exact limit where risk ends and the risk-free world begins.

If a bare penis touched a piece of someone else's wet, dry or radioactive underwear an actual infinity of things could happen after that... an asteroid could land on us all at that moment for example... but more specifically, sperm is pretty much incapable of clambering out of a penis whose owner isn't ejaculating AND at the same time of having the energy to make it through woven fabric (even if wetness might help,) take the hike all the way up someone's reproductive system and joining forces with an egg, implanting and beginning as part of a pregnancy... it pretty much defies what I can imagine. That's the magnitude of the impossibility we're talking about here, but as long as we're speaking hypothetically, this information can not help you. After-all, we walked on the moon somehow.

When it comes to sex, eradicating risk is not an option. It's a fact of all life, managing it is what making decisions is all about and which can thankfully play second fiddle to the actual good stuff that can come from those decisions.

We wear condoms, or use birth control to reduce the risk of pregnancy. We fight for safe access to abortion, supportive flexible infrastructures to support those who continue unplanned pregnancies and raise children afterwards, and fight for decent adoption services and systems of support so that unplanned pregnancy, however it happens is not such a big problem, and we work to fight against messages that shame people for becoming pregnant by learning that we are strong and can manage that risk with the right support.

We do those things, and like I say, we choose condoms to reduce a risk which we won't tolerate, we use hormonal birth control, OR we avoid direct genital contact, or if we want to reduce our exposure to the paranoia, we avoid any contact which makes us nervous and actually spend our time set-aside for sex to enjoy our bodies in a way that don't require us touching that anxiety, until such a time those things become enjoyable to us. We do it for pleasure.

To have worried about something can also feel reassuring, i.e. we must have made a good decision because it was difficult. But in actuality we have the right to make those decisions, and to be given the information that makes those decisions concious ones rather than blind ones. So many people panic and worry about pregnancy, in a way that is perpetuated by legitimising reassurance via worry. We really need to break free of this.

So I'd say although you can try to be prepared to avoid risks you think are excessive, what can be a much healthier way to go about this is to scan all the information you have about the actual sex you plan on having, what resources you have if things go wrong, what strategies you have at your disposal to reduce the risks however you'll likely want to, then it's time for the big plunge, these are your decisions to make.

It's always an ongoing process, but for real life sex, those decisions are are yours, and no statistical moralising statements have a right to tell you otherwise.

[ 01-14-2013, 10:51 AM: Message edited by: Jacob at Scarleteen ]

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