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Author Topic: Help. Bizarre incident.
pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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Something really bizarre and stupid happened to me several days ago. I have been feeling very bad. I couldn't enjoy my new year at all.

I'm a gay guy. After meeting a guy several times, I had sex with him. No penetration, just oral. I cummed in his mouth. He then drove me to a place where I needed to be on that night. Before I got off his car, he told me that he had a wife. He said he enjoyed being closeted, and the fact that his wife doesn't know that he has sex with others behind her back excites him sexually. He then told me he was going to perform oral and manual sex on his wife on that night and my cum in his mouth and on his fingers would probably even impregnate her. I left his car feeling totally shocked.

Sorry about this strange story but I have been feeling so bad since the incident. I have two issues. Please help me.

1. I think he was joking when he talked about impregnating his wife, but still, it makes me worried. I read the articles about pregnancy risk on this website, and arrived at the conclusion that there's no way she could get pregnant from my semen because (a) the (very) indirect transfer of semen like my case is totally not a pregnancy risk; (b) 40 mins of car drive + him talking to me during the drive means any sperms in his mouth, on his fingers, or anywhere else on his body would have either gone or been dead. Therefore, I have absolutely nothing to worry about. Can you please confirm with me that my analysis is correct and there is no pregnancy risk at all?

2. The thoughts of him fingering his wife with my (dry?) cum on his finger, etc, really disgust me. I can't stop thinking about it. I feel bad for myself, and I feel bad for his wife. His double and cheating life style reinforces the stereotype of gay men, and this stereotype being reinforced right in front of my eyes makes me feel sad. I just want to know that I have done nothing wrong, him cheating on his wife is not my fault, and that I can just forget about this incident, stop contacting this guy and move on with my life.

I feel so bad. :-( :-( Please help me.

[ 01-02-2013, 01:39 AM: Message edited by: pr046 ]

Posts: 8 | From: Australia | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Hi Pro46,

Welcome to Scarleteen [Smile]

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It really wasn't fair that guy was dishonest with you about his situation (nor was it fair on his wife). You can't hold yourself responsible for his deception - you haven't done anything wrong because you didn't know about his wife. I think moving on is an excellent idea. Do you feel confident to break things off with this man and move on? Do you have friends or family who can offer some comfort to you regarding this experience?

I can't say I've heard the stereotype that gay men are cheaters. I think you'll find that people of all genders and sexualities cheat. Try not to let this one experience colour your interactions with people.

Also, you're absolutely correct that there's no pregnancy risk here.

Marion

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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Thanks so much, Marion. I cried just now reading your reply. I knew it's probably not my fault, and I knew it's probably not a pregnancy risk, but I couldn't stop doubting and blaming myself. During the past several days, every morning when I woke up, the first thing I did was to repeat the details of that incident in my brain; it's also the last thing I did before I fell asleep. It's a torture. All the bad experiences from the past came back as well. What I need is someone else to tell me that I'm not the one to be blamed, there's no consequence, and I can move on. So thanks again for assuring me. Yes, I will ignore that man from now on.

I have some good friends but they are all straight. They are all sympathetic towards me, but since for almost all of them, I'm the only gay guy they know well, they can't really give me any advice apart from feeling bad with me. I would love to make friends with some gay guys but I find it impossible. I don't know whether it's due to my personality or due to the small size of the city I live in - Canberra.

I notice that you also live in Canberra. Hello, fellow Canberran! :-) By the way, I will recommend this site to others!

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI pr046,

I'm so glad to hear you're feeling relieved now. If you need more support with moving on, just let us know.

I'd like to check in with you about safer sex practices. are you currently receiving sexual healthcare and getting regular STI (sexually transmitted infection) screenings?

It sounds like you're feeling pretty lonely and isolated. Would you like to talk about how to meet people?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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I said 40 mins car drive in my first post, but then I just realised that it's more likely to be 20 mins rather than 40 mins. However, there is still no pregnancy risk at all given the indirect nature, right?

Thanks, Robin! I have never had any proper sex education. I thought as long as I used a condom during penetration, then it's safe, but after reading some posts on this forum, I realised that it's not the case. I decide that I should gather proper information on safe sex before I have any sex again. I have never had STI screening in my life. Maybe I should do one soon?

It's embarrassing to admit that I'm lonely and isolated, but yes, I am. I don't have difficulties in making friends with straight people, but I don't even have one gay friend. I have never met a gay guy in my real life. When I met gay guys through the internet, the experiences were always quite bad.

When I was younger, I used to think if I just keep waiting, a nice guy would appear; but after having waited for years, it has never happened. Then sometimes I think maybe it's because I'm Asian, or maybe I should drink more, or maybe because Canberra is too small, etc.

Sorry that I have typed so much. Yes, I need help. Who and where can I talk about how to meet people? Thanks again!

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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Hi pr046,

Please don't worry about typing too much. I'm glad you seem to feel comfortable sharing with us here.

You're absolutely right that the amount of time doesn't make any difference. There's just no possible way for someone to get pregnant in the scenario you described.


It sounds like it's time for some sexual healthcare for you. We'd be happy to help you find somewhere that you can get that. How about looking at our database of providers
STI Risk Assessment: The Cliff's Notes
first, and if you don't find something there that is close enough or that otherwise works for you, let us know and we can work with you to find a service that meets your needs.

You can have a look around our main site for information on safer sex if you'd like.

Here are a few pieces to get you started:

Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To

Condom Basics: A User's Manual

Love the Glove: 10 Reasons to Use Condoms You Might Not Have Heard Yet

STI Risk Assessment: The Cliff's Notes

And, just as important as physical safety:
Safer Sex...for Your Heart

So it sounds like you want to meet other gay guys, both for friendship and for a relationship. Have you ever looked into whether there are any LGBT support or social groups in your area? If not, does that sound like a good place to start?

--------------------
Robin

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Wanted to make sure you also knew about Minus 18!

https://minus18.org.au/

They're seriously awesome. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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Thanks, everyone. I feel so comfortable and looked after here. [Big Grin]

I have checked out the links and realised that I have done so many risky things in the past. I really hope that I don't have HIV or anything else. I should find a healthcare provider and receive an STI screening soon. Can I please ask a couple of questions with regard to that?

1. I have checked out the STI Risk Assessment link above but couldn't see the database of providers anywhere. Can you please give me the link of the database?

2. I had sex with that guy on last Friday, so should I wait for a period before receiving the screening?

I received half of my secondary education in China, the other half in New Zealand, and my tertiary education in Australia, none of these countries put any effort to educate me about sex, sexuality or mental health. I'm not trying to relieve myself from my own responsibilities, but still, I often feel no one cares about me, and I haven't been "living" but have been trying to just survive with very poor physical and mental health all through my life.

Heather, I trust your words "seriously awesome", and will explore that site. [Smile] The only interactions I have had with other gay men until now are either no interaction at all or sex. I really want to be able to talk to a gay man, do things together in public, and develop feelings towards each other, friendship or relationship.

[ 01-02-2013, 11:46 PM: Message edited by: pr046 ]

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smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
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Wow! What a small world!

Are you still studying? The ANU Queer Department is really great, and we take in strays from UC if they want to come along.

Are you a member of the ACT Queer mailing list on Yahoo Groups? There's a few regular social events that are advertised on there. You can join the group here: ACT Queer

I've also emailed my friend who is the queer officer at ANU for some more resources which I'll get back to you about. If you don't mind my asking, how old are you? It'll help me to pinpoint which resources are best for you.

I grew up queer in Canberra and we do have quite a lot on offer considering how small we are.

Cheers,

Marion

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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Thanks, Marion. I'm already 27. Am I too old for this forum? The name ScarleTEEN seems to suggest it's for younger people.

I was on the ACT Queer mailing list several years ago but I got off the list after some unpleasant experiences. For example, I went along to the walking group, but everyone else there on that day was at least 40, no one really welcomed me apart from the initial formal gestures, and the person who drove me home was quite rude towards me. I asked him, just out of politeness "any plan for tonight?", he replied "why do you need to know?"

About four years ago, I made repeated attempts to get in touch with Queer Space but it never worked. For example, I emailed them to request registration of my student card for access to the Queer Space, and I received a reply saying that it's done, but when I actually went there, I couldn't enter the room. I emailed back reporting that, but I never got a reply. I have been within 1 minute walk to the Queer Space basically every day for the last four years, but I have never been inside it. Anyway, I'm too old for it now.

[ 01-03-2013, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: pr046 ]

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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(We're intended for people 15-25, but older people can be here and often benefit. We simply use the teen to make clear that younger people are our top priority and are who we work for most here. [Smile] )

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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Thanks for the clarification, Heather.

Marion, can you please recommend me a good sexual healthcare provider in Canberra? I want to receive an STI screening. Thank you.

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smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
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The queer space isn't age restricted - yes, most of the people who go there are younger, but I'm 27 and still a student so it's fine for me to go there. I'm really sorry to hear you couldn't get access - at times things can be chaotic because so much work falls to the officer and the deputy that sometimes things slip through the cracks. Not to mention the politics! If you're still a student I'd be happy to let the officer know you're going to email (he's a great guy) and make sure he follows up on it (the email is sexdep.anusa@gmail.com).

The Queer* Department also runs a discussion group called Queery during semester. Basically people meet in an informal setting to discuss various issues related to being queer. It's a really great, relaxed way to make friends and there's usually a few non-students who attend: About Queery

As for sexual healthcare, I go to Sexual Health and Family Planning ACT (SHFPACT). They're located on Level One, 28 University Avenue and I've always found their staff helpful, open minded (I'm polyamorous as well as a lesbian and they've never batted an eyelid), and very good at what they do. Their full contact details are here: SHFPACT

You might also want to check out the Aids Action Council. They run workshops and events throughout the year and offer a range of general support services (as well as HIV and HIV prevention related ones). Their website is: Aids Action Council

I hope I haven't bombarded you with too much information. Let me know if you have any questions.

Marion

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pr046
Neophyte
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Thanks, Marion! Very helpful information! I have recently graduated so I am no longer a student.

By the way, do you know anything about Gaycrash? Is it good? I wanted to go last time but it was too far.

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smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I haven't been to Gaycrash, mainly because of time issues. I do hear it's a great night out though and I'm hoping to get along to one this year.

I'm also joining the Canberra Gay & Lesbian Choir (Qwire) this year. If you're musically inclined, it's only $150 a year (but they seek out people with other skills too). Their website is: Qwire. It seems like a fun way to be social but of course is rewarding hard work as well. Anyway I'm not sure if you're into that but I thought I'd mention it just in case.

I might see you around!

Marion

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pr046
Neophyte
Member # 101384

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Thanks, Marion, but I cannot sing at all. When there are activities like this in Canberra, please let me know! Yes, I might see you around!
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