Donate Now
Post New Topic  Post A Reply
my profile | directory login | register | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » should I see someone about this?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: should I see someone about this?
seafoamgreen
Neophyte
Member # 101486

Icon 1 posted      Profile for seafoamgreen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I'm not what most people would consider "pretty." I've had enough experience dealing with people of the opposite sex to figure this out. I try not to let it get to me, but it's difficult when literally no one I know finds me sexually attractive. I think I've had maybe one or two people in my entire life think of me as attractive/make it clear to me that they felt this way, but I wasn't attracted to them back. I know that this isn't the end of the world and external validation shouldn't be important, but it still bothers me. I also know I'm not in a good headspace to enter into any kind of romantic or sexual relationship because of my self esteem issues, but it would be nice to know that I had the option if I wanted to.

A big part of the reason this bothers me is because I feel like it affects how I deal with people even in platonic relationships. For example, when I'm out with my female friends, most of whom are conventionally pretty, they get attention while I get overlooked. I'm outgoing enough to continue conversing with people regardless, but it still hurts. Don't get me wrong, my friends are lovely people personality-wise and deserve the admiration, but I feel invisible when I don't get the same kind of attention that they do. I'm kind of preoccupied with the fact that it seems as if my "good looking" friends/people in general have some sort of weird currency they can use to deal with people and be liked by people that I don't have. There's nothing I can say, because no one in these situations is really at fault, but it's really isolating. There's probably not a lot anyone can tell me aside from the "you're perfect the way you are" rhetoric but I was wondering you had any advice or tools I could use to deal with this differently or if you think I should talk to someone else about this.

Thanks for letting me vent [Smile]

Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Hey, seafoamgreen, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this.

For sure, if you have access to counseling, a good counselor can help you big yourself up in this regard, and improve your self-esteem. They could likely also help you learn to focus less on looks: both yours and that of other people, like your friends.

In terms of going at this yourself, can I ask for an overview of what you do to support your self-esteem, and to feel good about yourself, including your body and the outside bits of you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
seafoamgreen
Neophyte
Member # 101486

Icon 1 posted      Profile for seafoamgreen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Honestly I don't do anything right now....
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Well, that's probably a big part of this issue, then!

Do you feel like you even know where to get started with that, or would you like some ideas about places to start?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
seafoamgreen
Neophyte
Member # 101486

Icon 1 posted      Profile for seafoamgreen     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
I have no idea!
Posts: 3 | Registered: Jan 2013  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post   Reply With Quote 
Okay!

I think one of the best frameworks to start with is recognizing that if and when we feel like all we (or anyone else) has to offer is how we look, we're bound to feel pretty crummy about ourselves no matter how we look. If not now, eventually, because, of course, cultural beauty standards don't include people of all ages, at the very least.

So, I always suggest starting self-esteem work with who you ARE and what you can actively DO versus how you look.

Who are you? What do you like most about yourself? What do you think makes you pretty awesome?

What do you DO that you find are things where you feel of the most value to yourself and others, where you feel very engaged and inspired, where you feel like you're contributing in some way, where you just feel good being who you are and experiencing life?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 67996 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

Quick Reply
Message:

HTML is not enabled.
UBB Code™ is enabled.
UBB Code™ Images not permitted.
Instant Graemlins
   


Post New Topic  Post A Reply Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen