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leftbehind101
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so this is embarrassing but i tried to have sex with my boyfriend the other night and he was unable to enter me because i was to tight. He then began to finger me and came out with lots of blood on his hands. The only other time i have had sex was when i was raped when i was 12. how could i be to tight i am really confused.
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Heather
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Well, to get us started,before you two engaged in any kind of sex with vaginal entry -- be that with his penis or hands:
• were you already very turned on?
• were you using lubricant as needed?
• had you engaged in other kinds of sex or affection you enjoy a lot that doesn't involve entry, like making out, rubbing your clitoris, etc?
• were you two communicating well about what felt good and what didn't?
• were you both taking your time, with no one rushing in or being too hasty?
• were wither of these activities activities you really wanted to do for yourself, not just something he wanted?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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leftbehind101
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i was not ready or anything i really didnt want it. I just was doing it to make him happy. I did not want to have sex or any fingering or for him to stick his you know in my mouth. but i let it happen because i didnt want him to leave me.
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leftbehind101
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im scared my boyfriend is going to leave me when he finds out i may be bi. I have been left many times because i wouldnt have sex with any of them so this time i let my boyfriend have sex with me even tho i didnt want it to happen or felt comfertable during the whole thing. I let him do it so he would be happy and not leave me. any advice?
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Heather
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My best advice is not to have sex, or try and have sex, with anyone for that reasons.

For one, having sex with someone won't keep them from leaving.

But more importantly, sex where there are two people really needs to be ABOUT both people for that sex to be emotionally healthy for everyone involved. It's not something you give to someone, or trade for something else -- like trading sex for commitment -- when it's really the good stuff, and is really healthy.

Sex not 'working" in this situation makes sense. Really, our bodies are pretty smart, and don't want to have sex we don't really want. It's when we have sexual desire that our body parts 'work" best when it comes to sex. If we're not excited and fairly relaxed, the vaginal canal isn't going to loosen and lubricate, and sex will tend to hurt, or feel like nothing, instead of feeling good.

Do you think your boyfriend cares about if you want to have sex, on your own terms, not just for him, or not?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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leftbehind101
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i think he just thinks of himself when it comes to sex because he thinks he is so powerful and mighty that he rules the relationship. I mean could it be that i was raped when i was 12 is why its hard for me to want sex or for him to actually penitrate with out it hurting?
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Heather
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This sounds like a REALLY unhealthy relationship if he considers himself as "ruling" it or you.

Can you look back at my first reply to your post here? See all the things that can be part of why intercourse or manual sex feel good? Sounds like you had exactly NONE of those things on the list, and now, on top of that, it sounds like you also had sex only to try and keep him from leaving and like this isn't a healthy relationship to boot.

While for certain, post-trauma after sexual assault can be another reason sex doesn't feel good, someone who didn't have a history of sexual assault wouldn't be at all likely to feel good in this situation either.

Can I ask why you're dating this person?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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leftbehind101
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i used to love him but he has changed. I thin k he might be into drugs or something. I can leave he has threatend to harm me if i do and he abuses me. Grabs me and throws me down he slaps me if i dont perform oral on him. I dont know how to get out of it. I still love him i think anyway. I dont know im just confused is all.
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Heather
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Well, even if you love him, it's not safe or healthy to stay in what is clearly an abusive relationship. Threats, forcing you to engage in any kind of sex, and hitting and throwing you are all parts of a highly abusive and unsafe relationship.

We can talk more about sexual issues, but I don't think it's safe or sound for you to engage in any kind of sex with him. I think what you probably need to invest most of your energy and thought into right now is figuring out how to get out of and away from this relationship safely.

Do you have any friends or family who can help you with that?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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leftbehind101
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no i do not really have family nor friends. I am scared to leave him for the fear of being hurt worse. I guess the abuse i am going thro right now isnt bad really.
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Heather
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Can I ask what your definition of "bad" is? Sounds like it might be pretty askew. Especially if you feel it's not bad, but that somehow NOT being in abuse is worse.

It IS bad, and it is harmful and unhealthy and unsafe to be abused in these ways. Trying to convince yourself it isn't is something people will often do, but it doesn't change the reality that this all IS very bad.

Abuse also almost always escalates. So, whatever he's doing now, it's most likely if you stick around, he';ll not only keep doing those things, but he'll start harming you in more ways or worse in these ways. Staying in abuse earnestly puts people's lives at risk.

Hurt worse how? By whom?

If you have no family and no friends, obviously that's something to work on in the future. But for now, we could likely connect you with a local service to help people get out of abuse so that you still have that kind of help and support.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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leftbehind101
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he has said if i leave him he will harm me worse and i have tried this only mad him angry. I really dont know what bad is i guess. maybe if he beats me to a bloddy pulp. the abuse has gotten worse but i dont know what to do
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Robin Lee
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Being beaten to a bloody pulp certainly is bad, and so is the risk of that happening. You don't have to wait to see if it gets that bad; what you're experiencing already is physically and emotionally unsafe for you.

As Heather said above, there are services that help people in abusive relationships. We can most likely help you find a service like that in your area.

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Robin

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leftbehind101
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im going to try to figure it out myself. I am just thinking. I have talked to him before and i have been talking to a mentor lady who says she will help me. I am just getting really depressed because of it.
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leftbehind101
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I need some advice i have nightmares of him harming me and i cant get it out of my mind
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Robin Lee
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Are you currently living with this person?

What happened when you talked to your boyfriend before?

How is your mentor offering to help you?

leftbehind101, it could be that your nightmares are trying to tell you something. It sounds like you're feeling a lot of fear and it's unlikely you would be having these nightmares if everything was okay. It also sounds from what you've described as if he has already harmed you.

I don't think you mentioned this (if you did, my apologies for missing it): What was his reaction when he fingered you and there was all that blood? What did he do and say?

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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I just want to let you know that I'm headed out for the night as it's been a long day for me, but I will be back in the morning.

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Robin

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leftbehind101
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he was enjoying it and then he got really mad that i messed up his sheets and then he licked it off of his hands.
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Robin Lee
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Sounds like he wasn't very considerate of your feelings through all of that.

Are you living with him?

What happened before when you tried talking to him about all of this?

I'm concerned about your safety.

Please let us know if there's anything you need as you work on figuring this out. We're here to help you find resources and support when and if you want them and to provide you with support in general.

What do you feel like you need or want right now?

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Robin

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leftbehind101
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he would just ignore me and laugh. I am not living with him and i changed my number so he cant call or text me anymore. My mentor is helping me talk through this and i am going to tell him if he doesnt leave me alone then i will go to the cops
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Heather
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Hey, leftbehind. Looking at this and another thread from you, it sounds like you aren't actually as isolated as it sounds like you were. So, I'm wondering if perhaps you might make a list of all the people in your life -- like this mentor, a counselor or counseling service you mentioned, a friend you mentioned -- you have and can call on or ask for help?

Just taking stock like that can come in very handy when figuring out how to do something like leave an unsafe relationship.

Good on you for changing your contact information. Know, too, that you have the option of going to the cops NOW if you like, to ask for a restraining order or report him for the crimes he has already committed so far.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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leftbehind101
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i forgive him since i am a forgiving person and ya i guess i am sorry for making it seem i was lying because i wasnt. i am just not going to let him be in my life anymore and i have talked to my friend she is very helpful
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Onionpie
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It's good to hear that you're sticking with your boundaries around him, it sounds like you know what you need to stay safe. If you feel like you need help with sticking to those boundaries, you can always talk to your counsellor about methods of doing that, and you can get moral support from your friend.

Have you written up the list of your support network like Heather suggested? That would be good to use for if you ever do feel like you need support in sticking to your boundaries.

In the meantime, is there anything else we can help you with around this? Do you feel that your safety is still at risk at all?

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leftbehind101
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i just really need to talk to i guess and talk things out feelings im having with it and with the rapes. i have the list and i am not not feeling safe. I do feel safe.
Iam sorry heather

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Robin Lee
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Who on the list can you talk with right now?

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Robin

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leftbehind101
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i really dont have anyone right now, its hard because i suffer from borderline personality disorder. So i have a hard tome with communication.
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Robin Lee
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IN your other thread you mentioned having a friend you can talk to. Can you talk to your friend now or some time soon?

You mentioned that you're going into the Journey Home. Are you there now? If not, where are you living?

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Robin

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leftbehind101
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im living at school and i can talk to my friend sunday! sorry for waisting your time.
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Robin Lee
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You're living at school? Are you going to college?

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Robin

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