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99redballoones
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Member # 101253

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Hello, I'm new here and I would like to tell you guys about my situation, maybe you can give me good advice. Im 21 years old, never had boyfriend, never had sex before, I've never had the rush anyway. Since I had my first love and maybe the closest experiences to sex I ended up so hurt that (as I've been working with my therapist all these years) now I think men are stupid, people in general will always disappoint you in some way, etc. And mainly I've concluded that is because I have really big ego and I'm to proud, is not that guys don't like me, is not that I don't want to have a boyfriend, is just that my personality reflects always that I'm good by my own, because anyway the guys I always fall for are already taken or they're just into other stuff (most of them are a bit older than me).
So I was feeling pretty bad and lonely this last months, I went with my doctor and she said I needed a boyfriend, because she thinks I feel lonely and maybe having someone to share with all my stuff would be good. Of course, my first reaction was "how can she say I need someone to be happy?" but to me this is actually the problem, my huge ego, my proud personality! I actually don't admit it so easily, but I think I do need a boyfriend. But the problem is that I don't know where to start to workout my problem. I'd like to be less proud, less selfish... this is really hard because I actually don't reflect it everyday or normally, this is something I've discovered in therapy because of my experiences, my reactions and by reflecting on myself. I also want really bad to have sex, like I need to, but all these issues are just running through my head and I don't have anything clear. Where should I start to clear my mind? how can I get to meet guys by being myself and not having to act as a total slut or whatever...? I also have a question about vibrators, is it dangerous to use one even if im still a virgin? is there a way to know if my himen is still intact? (When I was 13 i rembember I wasnt having my period but I was bleeding all of a sudden and Im not sure what it was).

Thank you so much.

Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI 99redballoones and welcome to scarleteen,


First of all, regarding using vibrators: it's absolutely safe to use them regardless of how much or little sexual experience we have. Have you ever masturbated before without one?

Here's the thing about the hymen, or what we call the corona: It's a thin membrane just slightly inside the vaginal opening. It's not solid like skin, but has little holes and perforations in it; the menstrual blood wouldn't be able to get out otherwise. , For many women the hymen tends to wear away over time, either partially or completely over time and with activities like exercise. It generally tends to wear away, rather than remaining intact and then suddenly being broken by something, though certainly that does happen for some people. Many women do not have an intact hymen by the time they engage in sexual activity with a partner. [Smile]

I don't know what that bleeding was when you were thirteen. How old were you when you did end up getting your period?

Here's some more reading about the hymen:

[b]My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It[/b


i'm sorry to hear that you've been feeling lonely. Leaving aside the question of having a boyfriend, do you have friends? If so, does having friends help with the loneliness? If not, do you want to talk first about making friends?

Being lonely is rarely a healthy reason all by itself to get into a romantic relationship. As you said, it can be hard to find someone that we really connect with or have a lot in common with, and it's less likely that we'll be able to do that if we're fueled by a sense of loneliness rather than by a desire to connect fully with a partner.

I hear that you've had some disappointing experiences with men, but do respectfully ask that while you're in this space here with us you refrain from making negative statements about an entire group of people. We have people of all different types reading these forums--all different genders, abilities, backgrounds, experiences, etc--and we work towards making this a safe, nonthreatening space for everyone. So, if you could say things more like, The men I've had in my life have been stupid. that will go a long way towards helping us maintain that safe space.

I hear you saying two things about sex--that you want to have it, and that you need to have it. Those are two separate things. Can you perhaps talk more about what you mean? For example: is it a physical desire to have sex? An emotional desire? A feeling like you're supposed to? Something else? A whole bunch of things?

Everyone has different ways of interacting with and connecting with people, and different levels of being sexual and acting sexy that they're comfortable with. So long as no one is emotionally or physically hurting someone else (or, in my opinion, themselves), there's no harm in what they do I think you're asking how to connect with guys on more than just a sexual level, but I could be wrong. Generally, the way we meet potential partners is the way we meet anyone, which is part of why I asked what I did about friends.

Are you still seeing your therapist? I think that is probably the best place for you to work on things like ego and pride if you're feeling like those are a problem for you. Have you discussed with your therapist different ways that you can connect with people?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
99redballoones
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Hello Robin, thank you so much for your response!
Yes indeed, I have masturbated before in the bath and with my hands, I've also had manual sex and orals before with guys.

Yes! I do! I have lots of friends! This is why I feel lonely sometimes. Because even if I have at least my closest friends that are 5, sometimes I feel like my doctor said, I do need someone to connect with in other way. What I said about men, I didn't mean to offend anyone, I was just trying to make you see the pride and how I've been thinking after being hurt. [Wink]

Also, I think this need I'm talking about it is emotional and physical.

I still go with my doctor and therapist. Though she's a psychoanalist, so she really doesn't tell me how to act, she just helps me think and reflect on my life, acts, happenings, to see the reason behind all these. But I don't know where to start. especially because this last 2 months I`ve been feeling down because of various situations, so it's difficult for me to make my prejudice aside and to change my position towards people. Thank you so so much for responding, Robin.

Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
99redballoones
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The problem with finding a boyfriend, and is not a problem when having friends, is that nothing is ever enough for me. My friend told me to relax and that I really could have a realtionship with anyone, but I don`t want anyone, I want someone who I really like and I can connect to. But it really seems is never enough, I;m not satisfied easily and this is what sometimes hurts me the most because I always have great expectations on lots of things, also men. So, yes [Frown]
Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smittenkitten
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 2297

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Hi 99redballoones,

I don't think it's a bad thing that you want a relationship with someone you really like and can connect to. Not only is it bad for us to settle for something less than what we want, it's unfair on the person we are dating because more often than not we're giving them a false impression of our feelings for them. Can you see that?

There's nothing wrong with being single and keeping your eye out for people who you connect with. Not only does that allow you to solidify your sense of self, it means you aren't wasting time and energy with someone you don't really love.

Just my 2 cents,

Marion

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
99redballoones
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You are right Marion. But still don't know where to start to stop being like that, I really want to change and be a better person. [Smile]

thank you [Smile]

Posts: 9 | From: Spain | Registered: Dec 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
smittenkitten
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It certainly isn't easy. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to pair up, as if we are somehow inferior if we don't have a partner.

There are a few ways to go about changing our behavior in this regard. The first is to carefully consider how we feel about our partners and only date the ones we have a genuine interest in.

The second way is to learn to be happy without a partner. If we can do that, we are likely to be more selective about prospective partners because we don't want to destroy the happiness we have created for ourselves.

Being happy on your own often involves some navel gazing along with participating in activities and relationships that make us feel good. Reflecting on what you have and enjoy in life (outside of romantic partners), and being grateful for and mindful of that can give us a real boost. Even the smallest things like having our own privacy and a good book are things to celebrate. If you don't have many things you appreciate in your life, make some. Get involved in things you enjoy. This has the added bonus of introducing you to new people who may become friends (or more).

Is that helpful?

Marion

Posts: 465 | From: Canberra, ACT, Australia | Registered: Jan 2001  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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