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Author Topic: so, so stupid.
Cherylcakes
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i feel so, so stupid.
a few hours ago, i was with my boyf and we engaged in manual sex. we both came. we then got redressed in our ubderwear and lay in bed together for a while.
the mood caught us again and i told him he could rub his thing on my butthole if he promised not to touch my vulval area. there was precum, but i dont think the tip of his thing touched my vulval area, only the shaft, and only briefly. he didnt enter me at al, and there was no ejaculation
i feel so, so stupid and angry at myself- look at my previous threads and you will see what a worrier i am [Frown] please, i need someone to tal to about this rash sexual choice i made [Frown] im so disappointed in myself, i was all geared up to let the this go, now i have started it all over again, im sorry :'(

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Heather
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Hey there, Cherylcakes.

Maybe we should try and figure out why you did something that you know, and probably knew at the time, you weren't really comfortable with?

For starters, do you feel 110% able to say no to anything with your boyfriend? When you do say no, or put a condition on something, lie requiring a condom, how does he tend to react?

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Cherylcakes
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it really varies- when i said i wanted to wait for a bit, he webt right off the deep end till i expalained that it was only till id got the implant or something sorted.
should i seek ec?

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Heather
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Per EC, it sounds like the real risks you took here were STI risks rather than pregnancy risks. If he did not ejaculate, or didn't do so anywhere on or near your genitals (including your anus), then pregnancy wasn't a likely risk. But unprotected penis-to-anus contact does pose STI risks.

A partner "going off the deep end" when we say we want to wait is a partner who is NOT providing an environment where we are going to feel able to say no easily and freely. It's also a partner I'd advise anyone not to continue to be sexual with, period.

Healthy sexual relationships need to make all the room in the world for everyone in them to have limits and boundaries, and to say no to any kind of sex at any time. It doesn't sound like you have that with this person, and that given, this isn't someone where you're probably going to be able to have the limits you want or feel able to assert them.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cherylcakes
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he didnt get physical of anything, i think mostly it was just a notion that i didnt want to be with him in that way and it hurt him a little bit.

so, pregnancy would only a risk if his head had touched my vulval are? although there was precum, there was not much, and it was sticky, no dripping/ running down to my vulva.

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Robin Lee
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That's good that he didn't get physical but it sounds like he was really upset. It sounds to me like with the sexual activity you described above that you were compromising in a way you really weren't comfortable with. Was having him rub his penis on your anus something that *you* wanted--for you?

As Heather said, the physical risks here are more about possible STI transmission than about pregnancy.

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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i asked him to, if he promised not to touch my vulval area.
i just took EC, as i feel more comofrtable doing that..is that okay? :/

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Robin Lee
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EC won't hurt you--just know it may throw your menstrual cycle off schedule for a few months.

I'm still unclear about whether you think that your partner is going to respect your limits around sexual activity, and I mean actually show respect for your limits, not just physically only engage in the activities you've said you're okay with. When you say that he went off the deep end before, I picture someone who got very angry and didn't make an effort to understand where you were coming from or express support for your needs.

Have you told your partner that you felt a lot of worry and fear after you engaged in this activity? Have you and he also discussed STI risks and both recently been tested?

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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i told him and repeatedly asked if he was sure his penis didnt come into contact with my vulval area, after the third time of asking he got abit annoyed with me and asked me why is asked hi to do it if i was not comfortable-the problem is, im comfortable while im doing it, just not after [Frown] i am so, so confused right now, not to mention scared and upset. [Frown]
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Robin Lee
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Nodding...I think the main issue is here that you did something that's now making you upset. One thing I'm wondering is what you think your reason is for wanting to do the sexual activity at the time. Is it because that activity brings emotional pleasure, physical pleasure, or both? Is it because you think it will make your partner happy? Another reason? A whole bunch of reasons?

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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i was curious as to the sensation, really [Smile] so the EC will cut my chances further of becoming pregnant? there was definitely precum, but not liquid-like, sticky, and i am pretty sure none came into contact with my vulva.
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Robin Lee
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What strategies do you think you can use for next time to avoid doing something that could trigger this kind of worry afterwards?

Here's information on EC:

Emergency Contraception (Plan B or the Morning-After-Pill)

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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i honestly dont know- avoiding situations like this i suppose [Smile] i think my boyfs mentality is one of well why start having sex if youre just going to say you want to wait, which i dont know how to deal with [Frown]
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Robin Lee
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What do you think of your boyfriend's stance on sexual activity? What's your take on it?

Given that you've come here in a panic several times, it seems that deciding to avoid the situations that make you anxious hasn't been working for you. This is not a criticism or complaint, but merely a statement of fact. If something isn't working, that usually means it's time to change something about it. Can you think of any other possible approaches?

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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i come from a more conservative background than him; i have no problem with sex before marriage, i think its this upbrining which is having an effect on me and what makes me so anxious [Frown]

umm..looking at the situation from a factual point of view, eg not from a doommongering i-am-definitely-pregnant viewpoint [Razz]

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Robin Lee
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*chuckling* What do you think you could do to switch yourself over to that way of thinking? It's pretty hard to just start thinking and believing (on an emotional as well as intellectual level) something new, particularly since your upbringing (in other words, what you've been taught since childhood) is part of this.

I'd also say that having support from people in one's life, including, and especially, one's partner, is a big part of handling stressful times.

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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Hey Cherylcakes,

Just wanted to let you know that I'm taking a break here for a couple of hours to run some errands. But I, and likely other folks too, will be back around later, so if you want to talk about this more just leave your post and we'll respond to it soon. [Smile]

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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thats fine [Smile]
i think i would like to seek counselling about this: however, when i mentioned it to my boyf, he said it was only for "schizophrenics and people like that". this hurt me deeply [Frown] i dont feel comfortable going to my GP, where else can i go?

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Robin Lee
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HI There,

First of all, counselling is for all people, whether they have a diagnosed mental illness or not. Sometimes people have things going on in their lives that they just don't have the personal or practical resources to deal with on their own. It might also be worth pointing out to your boyfriend that speaking disparagingly both about people with mental illness and his girlfriend's expressed desire to get help is pretty uncool.

From what I can gather, in order to qualify for free counselling through the NHS you do need a referral from your GP. Can you talk a bit about why you're not comfortable going to your GP to get that referral?

There may also be other resources. I'm less familiar with the UK's system than others so I need to do a little research but will get back to you on that.
I was really glad to see that you posted a request for help in the support groups forum. Awesome reaching out like that. What else do you think you can do to cope right now?

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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Cherylcakes,

I wanted to expand on what I said, perhaps a little too abruptly, above. Were you able to tell your boyfriend that his response to you saying you felt like you needed counselling was hurtful to you? Over the months you've been coming here, I've been getting a picture of your boyfriend as someone who isn't terribly considerate of your feelings sometimes.

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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I did say to him that counselling wasn't for people like that, and that I didn't think it was fair [Frown] but he was just like you don't need counselling [Frown]

I practically broke down last night to some colleagues, im going to the drs today. I am sick of feeling like this. I hate it.

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Heather
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Hey, Cherylcakes.

I wanted to talk about one thing you said here:

quote:
i think my boyfs mentality is one of well why start having sex if youre just going to say you want to wait, which i dont know how to deal with
If that is, indeed, his approach, by all means, that's not an attitude that's going to create an environment that's really conducive to consent or a healthy sexual relationship.

I often have explained to folks that sex isn't some kind of Pandora's Box, where once we open it, we can't close the lid ever again. Instead, it should be something where we feel able to open or close it all the time, at any time.

Suggesting it's not like that would kind of be like someone suggesting that because we ate once, ever after, we should be eating anytime someone else wants us to. That because we ate one kind of food once, it's always going to be the food we want, or food that's right for our bodies. We'd know that made no sense about eating, and it doesn't make any about sex, either.

Let's perhaps try putting the shoe on the other foot: if your boyfriend found he was feeling as perpetually scared around sex as you were, do you think he'd still keep doing it, even if it was way more scary than fun for him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cherylcakes
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probably not. [Smile]

just to let you know i went to my local NHS walk-in clinic today, and they told me to go to my GP to be referred for counsellinhg. i have been tearful all day, barely holding it together at work, although i am starting to talk abit more to people about what i feel like atm.

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Heather
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I think that having a counselor will be really helpful for you.

I also know talking about how you're feeling can't be easy, but I'm glad to hear that you've been trying to start doing that.

In terms of your answer to my question up there, how about putting this situation to your boyfriend that way? Mind, it's really sounding to me like it just might not be a good idea for you to be in any kind of sexual relationship period, right now, especially with someone who just doesn't sound like such a great choice for that on the whole, but if you intend to stay in this relationship, you're going to have to find a way to change the dynamics here, something your boyfriend is going to have to be part of.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cherylcakes
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i just have a quick question... if precum is presenf, but it gets on your buttcheeks or anywhere other than your vulval opening, does that count as indirect transfer?
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Cherylcakes
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[ 12-25-2012, 06:28 AM: Message edited by: Cherylcakes ]

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Heather
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When we talk about direct contact with genitals, we mean genitals: the vulva, vagina, perineum or anus. The buttocks are not the genitals.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Cherylcakes
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it really doesnt matter anymore- i know this is a massive pregnancy risk, and i know what the outcome will be, so there really is no way out of this.

[ 12-29-2012, 08:44 AM: Message edited by: Cherylcakes ]

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Robin Lee
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So what are you feeling like is a good next step for you?

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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not feeling any of this anymore.
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Robin Lee
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I'm sorry: I wasn't clear. What is the next step you're planning to take?

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Robin

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Cherylcakes
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what can i do? the paperwork for referral will take weeks, im stuck in these thoughts that go round my head all the time. chances are i will be pregnant from what i did, and i will pay the price.
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Robin Lee
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What can you do in the meantime to find out whether you're pregnant or not?

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Robin

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