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Author Topic: Sexual Assault
justbreathe
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Member # 100989

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In October, so ten days into our relationship (we've now been dating for two months), my boyfriend and I slept together. It wasn't planned. Essentially our residence building had a false fire alarm, he came back to my room and we had another fire alarm. We were just in bed talking, eventually I turned out my light in my room to signify I was going to bed. I guess he didn't understand, but I didn't specifically say he could stay in my bed either. He did fall asleep there and we woke up the next morning, in shock because this wasn't what we had planned. I was so worked up about it I vomited.

Since then we've talked about it and everything is on the mend.
We've been doing well since (besides the stuff in the other posts.) I'm just wondering is there any way I can get help since I'm still feeling a little uneasy from the event. Any help or advice? Is it okay/ normal to have these feelings?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey there.

I'm a bit confused about what you're trying to describe here.

What wasn't what you had planned? When you say slept together, it sounds like you're describing literally doing that -- sleeping in the same bed -- but the title of this post suggests something else occurred. But since you say you both were in shock, I feel even more confused.

Can you try and clear this up for me so I better understand what exactly happened here? Are you saying the person you are dating assaulted you that night?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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justbreathe
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Member # 100989

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We hadn't planned to fall asleep. I had tried to indicate I was going to fall asleep and was getting ready for bed by turning off my light in my room. I didn't say he could stay in my bed all night, and sleep together.

We were in shock as it wasn't what we were prepared for, as I said it was 10 days into our relationship.

It just upset me that he fell asleep in my bed and didn't really see it as a problem.
It's on the mend now and we've talked about it but I'm still unsure if I have am okay to still feel a bit shaken up by what happened.

I don't know if that makes sense.

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Robin Lee
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So it sounds like, for you, having a partner sleep in your bed is a really significant thing, a very clear boundary that was crossed unintentionally by both of you.

Can you say some more about what it is that distresses you about this? That is, what does having him sleep in your bed mean to you? When you woke up and realized you had both been in the same bed sleeping, what were the thoughts and feelings that got you so distressed you vomited?

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Robin

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justbreathe
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Hi Robin,

Yeah I was a big step.
I think for me, I was unprepared for that (sleeping in the same bed.)
It wasn't something I would've seen coming, 10 days in to the relationship.

To me I guess us being in the same bed is something I would've seem farther into the relationship. We've talked about it since, but agreed on not doing it again because it would potentially become a habit and we don't want that. We would like to stick to our morals as close as possible.

I guess my first reactions were "oh I've let myself down, or I've disapproved someone." Since we had promised not to sleep together until we are married. Then proceeded to do just that 10 days in. It was just a very unfamiliar action or behaviour than what I'm used to.

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justbreathe
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Member # 100989

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Hi Robin,

Yeah I was a big step.
I think for me, I was unprepared for that (sleeping in the same bed.)
It wasn't something I would've seen coming, 10 days in to the relationship.

To me I guess us being in the same bed is something I would've seem farther into the relationship. We've talked about it since, but agreed on not doing it again because it would potentially become a habit and we don't want that. We would like to stick to our morals as close as possible.

I guess my first reactions were "oh I've let myself down, or I've disapproved someone." Since we had promised not to sleep together until we are married. Then proceeded to do just that 10 days in. It was just a very unfamiliar action or behaviour than what I'm used to.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Perhaps it might be helpful to think about the difference between people falling asleep in the same space and with intentionally going to bed together (per sleep or anything else) as something that's about intimacy, about love or sex, about something meaningful in a relationship?

I do think it's important given the title here, though, to mention that none of this is a sexual assault, on anyone's part.

[ 12-28-2012, 03:10 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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justbreathe
Neophyte
Member # 100989

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Makes sense, we were talking about that too.
We realize it was a mistake on our part but it happened and we're moving past that.
Since then we've had some other situations we've been dealing with (thanks for all your help with that!)
These situations (namely the most recent one), have brought us closer together as a couple.

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