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Author Topic: Emotional abuse & forgiveness?
FrankieFrog
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Hey again!

So..this is a moderately lengthy story but i'll do my best to keep it concise.
I'm sorry if this is in the wrong thread, I hope "expert replies" are not limited only to topics regarding sex :\

Anyway, it all started with my dad.
I'm 16 this year and since primary school, he's always been making me feel like a disappointment to the family and generally being very disheartening in anything I do.

Over time, all of my family developed an emotional distance from him, including my grandparents, because he's such a grumpy and sometimes violent man.

For example, whenever he buys me something or awkwardly tries a conversation, I either ignore him or take that item and gift it to a friend because I know that the moment I let him into my life and give him that connection, he'll just wreck it as usual and try to control how I feel again..

Anyway, with this distance, I found it easier to sort myself out but as a result, I ended up unwittingly looking for "fathers"..
My school counselor tells me that's normal, knowing my relationship with my dad, but he also advised caution and such.

I heeded it as much as possible, but then came this great camp co-ordinator, let's call him Jay, his real name hurts too much to use.

Jay was a very charismatic guy, with a rather big ego.
I went for his camps often, where he'd take us in groups to the beach to play volleyball or into some jungle to tell ghost stories- it was always a lot of fun.

Jay saw that I was very intellectual and witty, and he started to invite me out to play basketball with him and even follow him to his office from time to time.

I took this as..acceptance.
I mean, Jay played soccer and basketball with me, he bought me my favorite drinks (strawberry milkshake) and stuff like that and he did it often.

Over time, it was very difficult to hold back the feeling that I could take him as my dad.
We knew each other since I was about 9, when he was a family friend, but we only really started to bond for a year when I was in secondary school.

After all the good times we shared and everything, things got really really ugly and he spited me in a way I never thought he would by criticizing everything about myself I had shared with him.

What sparked it off was that I had written a book for a competition and people were interested in the publication rights, and when me and Jay started hashing out the details of the money and royalties.
Everything went straight downhill from there..

Anyway, after burning that bridge, I then met another man whom I got very close to in a father-son type of way, walking his dog, working out with him in the gym, going fishing, and eventually the same thing happened.
He opened a small electronics store with his other son and when suspicion arose between them regarding some missing stocks, they pointed the fingers at each other then at me.

The argument escalated so much to the point this man whom I had then known for about 7 months, threatened to use his connections in the police force to "put my life in danger".
I played it cool, proclaiming to the witnesses around me that I would be calling the police to report this threat and get it on record, which ended the dispute and left this man scurrying away angrily.

Just an FYI, I didn't steal any stocks and the total sum of the missing stocks was a mere $100.

Now, as I lay here typing this, I only wish to forgive these three "father figures" I have had. I spoke to my counselor and told him that my resolve is..to simply never want a father again.

But I don't want to hate these people..or have prejudices against people resembling them.
For example, I now hate any man wearing sunglasses, and I automatically also hate Indians. (2/3 of them are Indians)

I want to let go of those painful feelings of betrayal and everything..I don't want it to affect my relationship with my girlfriend or my future career or my future family or anything..

It feels really unhealthy now because it seems every time I go by a place with a memory of them, I feel this huge feeling of abandonment and hurt inside...or if I walk through a big crowd, I worry one of them will be there to come out and hit me..

I'm not in constant fear, and i'm actually a big enough guy to handle my own, but I just want all of it to melt away peacefully..so I can be at peace with myself again..


I'm thinking of going to the temple more often to pray and maybe meditate a little, plus focus more on my future plans, and maybe pick up something soothing like playing the guitar in the evenings.

But is there any advice you guys have or any thoughts?..

Thank you so so much for this forum btw, writing is a huge therapeutic tool for me and by admitting my most personal problem here like this is really freeing.. [Smile]


Thank you thank you thank you!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Hey, Frankie. I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling with this.

I'm certain that your counselor, having better insight into all of this with you than we can, since they've been working with you, is probably the best person to ask about this.

I'm also wondering if they've suggested to you that the person you're probably still the most hurt by and angry with is your Dad, and that with these other guys, your hurt and anger is probably amplified because you're also projecting your feelings about them not being the fathers you wanted them to be, on top of the ways they hurt you just as the people they were, not as people who were, in actuality, your father. Know what I mean?

In other words, I'd gather that if you can work some more with your feelings about your actual father, letting go of these feelings will probably get easier.

Has your counselor suggested a therapist? Or perhaps a moderated session with your actual father so you can voice some of these feelings directly to him in a way that's safe for you?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FrankieFrog
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Hey Heather,

Yeah i've asked him about it but they're "swapping" him with a lady counselor kinda by his recommendation.

Yeah I get what you mean..
I actually find myself projecting my negative feelings about him quite wildly on other people.
For example anyone dressed like him, with his same name, or anyone who is even remotely similar to him.

No not really, I never really know the difference between counselor and therapist either :|


And as for the moderated session..yeah we had one before, at a police station when I ran there after he threatened to lock me in our flat and never let me out.
He was also threatening that if I tried to run out of the flat when he came in, he'd beat me into the flat.

The conversation was very heated on his end and the police said they'd call our house phone and my handphone from time to time to spot-check things and if they didn't get a response from either, they'd come down to investigate and probably take my dad away..

It's quite messy, and these recent run-ins with these horrible people that so resemble him has been quite taxing on me..
I only get to see my counselor maybe once every two weeks or so but with this lady counselor, i'm hoping we can bump it up to twice a week.


In the meantime i'm kinda obligated to eat dinner with my dad all the time and go out with him to buy groceries and I just don't know how i'm going to even start letting go of all this stuff..

It gets awkward pretty much all the time and nowadays I find myself just looking for ways to keep my mind still so I can sort out my feelings openly and move on..

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Heather
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Oh, Frankie, I'm so very sorry. Sorry you've been through this with your Dad, and sorry you still have to be around him when it's obviously not healthy or safe for you. [Frown]

I'm also so sorry to hear how let down you've been by others around this: I know how debilitating that can be.

I imagine that you're probably not going to experience a whole lot of progress moving forward from this until you can actually get some real distance from him. I know that's not exactly great news, but I'm saying that so you can just be realistic per your expectations of yourself, and hopefully less hard on yourself around how much you're getting triggered.

I'm wondering if perhaps the best way I can help here, besides simply offering to listen when you need to talk about any of this, is by perhaps finding you some connections local to you who WILL really be in your corner and be able to offer some extra support, and maybe suggesting some reading that might help get you through in the meantime, and make some steps to take care of and heal yourself.

How does that sound?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FrankieFrog
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Thank you so so much, Heather..

That'd be great- i'm sorry for the late reply, my dad hasn't really been letting me use the com.

I'll be so so grateful for all of that, it's really much more than enough already, thanks :')

I live in Singapore, will it be difficult for you to help me find someone locally?..
If it's too much trouble, it's really okay!

Thank you so very much

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Heather
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It's going to be more of a challenge for me because I don't know how the system works around family abuse in Malaysia, but I'll work on it.

Just might take some extra time, I'm afraid. It's not too much trouble, though, not at all. I will need a postal code or a city to find something, though.

In the meantime, can you identify anywhere you know is *always* safe for you to go to? I want to make sure you at least have some sort of safe haven.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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amandalynn27
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FrankieFrog: I so sorry to hear you're going through this. It takes a lot to reach out for help, and I'm sending you lots of positive thoughts. This site may help. It focuses on male survivors of sexual abuse, but many different types of abuse make similar feelings in whomever is going through it, so it could be worth checking out.
http://www.malesurvivor.org/
Anyhow, best of luck with your counselor, your education, your future plans, and taking care of yourself so you can have what you need to be healthy.

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Heather
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(Hey amanda: appreciate the extra support for Frankie here, but just a reminder that this area of the boards, as noted on the main page, is for staff and volunteer replies only. Thanks!)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Frankie: just getting started on trying to find some resources for you, but in the meantime, and in general, one my my contacts in Singapore suggested you try calling Samaritans there: http://www.samaritans.org.sg/

I hadn't realized there was a branch for Singapore. I know that quite a few of our users in the UK have been served very well by Samaritans, both for general support and with help getting connected to local resources.

So, I'd suggest giving them a call if you can while I keep digging: they might be able to figure out the best routes for you with this before I do.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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FrankieFrog
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Thanks so much all of you! :')

It's really touching that you've put in so much effort when even my own family couldn't be bothered to take a second look at what's going on with my life..not even if I begged them to listen.

I've already given them a call about maybe going in to see if counseling would be a good idea and they said they'd call me back.

In the meantime my part-time job has lots of new work for me so it's allowed me to take my mind off things for awhile..which is a really nice break from home so i'm calmer this week [Smile]

I'll keep you guys lightly posted as things go on, if that's okay with you of course!..


P.S- For any of your future posters from Singapore, they're really foggy on human rights and social development so i'm not surprised they don't have Planned Parenthoods or Amnesty International or Samaritans..
There are only a few hotlines and I really hope they don't all hit dead-ends for me.

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Heather
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Frankie, eryn_smiles did some legwork for you and left these in Site Help and Service:

quote:
I asked my Singaporean friend about local family violence services. She recommended you call the AWARE helpline. Although it is a women's advocacy/rights organisation, they can still direct you to the right services.

These links give their helpline number and list of services, including counselling:
http://www.aware.org.sg/support-services/
http://www.aware.org.sg/support-services/frequently-asked-questions/

List of family violence resources:
http://www.aware.org.sg/information/dealing-with-family-violence/
Have you had contact with Family service centres or the child protection and welfare helpline before? Their numbers are listed above. They could also direct you to a shelter if you needed one in a hurry.

PAVE (promoting alternatives to violence) also have family violence social workers:
http://www.pavecentre.org.sg/safe_services.html

Best wishes, take care.



--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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