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Author Topic: i have no clue where to start..
xoxoaml
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so me and my boyfriend both really want to have an awesome sex life.. in fact, one of the first things he said to me when we started talking was that he was sexually attracted to me. well, I've been in many relationships where sex was the main focus for the other person so I didn't really know how I felt about that at first. but as time went on I began to feel the same way. we haven't been together that long, but we are connected in a way I would rather not talk about.

to make a long story short, I don't know where to begin when we talk about sex and what we want from each other. he's pretty clear on what he wants to do to me (very detailed) but when he asks what I would do to him or anything like that, I become speechless. I do want to have sex with him, sometimes i want it really, really badly - I just don't know how to voice it.

I'm also concerned about what it should be like our first time... so many questions, no answers -- help ??? [Confused]

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Heather
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welcome, xoxoaml.

You say you haven't been together very long: would you say that, for you, you haven't been together long enough for you to feel able to start talking about what you want sexually? In other words, if you've dated other people before, in the past, has this kind of timeline been right for you to feel at the point where you are comfortable talking about sex and what you want in depth?

I'm not sure what you mean when you talk about what your first time (I don't know with what) "should" be like. Because really, there's only what, in any sexual experience, the people involved themselves want, there are no universal shoulds here. Maybe you can fill us in a bit more?

[ 11-25-2012, 12:03 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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xoxoaml
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yes, by this time in my last relationship, we had already started doing sexual things, but we never went "all the way".
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xoxoaml
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and, by our first time I mean actually having sex. not necessarily what it "should" be like, but more of what to expect.
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Heather
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When you say "actually having sex," do you mean intercourse? I don't mean to be deft, it's simply that "actual" sex is more than intercourse, so while some people think that's the only kind of sex (usually before they engage in it), most others don't experience sex and sexuality that way.

So, in your last relationship, did you feel comfortable with this kind of timing? And was the sex and sexuality front-loaded like this, where the other person was putting a LOT out there about sex and what they wanted, without you doing so pretty mutually?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xoxoaml
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yes that's what I mean. & at first I was fine with it, but after time I felt like it was his main focus sometimes. and yes, it was exactly like this. I never really had much to say about it.
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Heather
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It sounds to me like some of the deal here may be that he's kind of pushed this so much and taken all the turns that there hasn't been a lot of room for you or for you to get to your own pace with it.

It sounds like one reason you're probably feeling so flummoxed because you're kind of trying to keep up with him, and give things back at a level that you aren't really ready for, or just isn't how you are, period.

How about asking for him to make some more room for you in this, and give a little more breathing room around it? In other words, how about asking him if he's please back off (more nicely than that, obviously) when it comes to how much he's talking about sex and in what detail and what he's asking you for so that there IS room for you, and so that you can figure out your own pace and your own wants, rather than just reacting to all of his?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xoxoaml
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thank you. I just wish it was so much easier for me to be as open with him as he is with me. all in all, he respects me and asks what my boundaries are at all times. I'm gonna talk with him about it and see how it goes..
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Heather
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Want to talk about why you think it's feeling so hard?

For instance, when he asks about your boundaries, I take it you haven't felt able to say, "Well, one thing where I think I need a boundary is with how much you're talking to me about sex: it's feeling very overwhelming to me," even though it sounds like that's how you've been feeling, and I'm hearing you say he's asking you about boundaries, so.

If you haven't been able to start with something like that, why do you think that is?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xoxoaml
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I guess maybe I don't want him to think that sex is something I don't want with him? like, I don't want him to think that by me saying he should stop talking about sex so much, is the same as me saying that sex is something that won't ever happen between us.
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Heather
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Okay.

So, I think that's something you can clearly communicate.

In other words, you can say just that when you ask him to slow down and back off a little. Like, "I have strong sexual feelings for you and am interested in sex with you, but this is all feeling too fast for me to find my own way in. I'm asking for you to cut back with how much you're talking about it and how much you're talking about what you want so I can have the space to figure out and communicate what I want without feeling overwhelmed."

Or something like that. Catch my drift?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xoxoaml
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yeah, I understand what you're saying. and its helped me out a lot. thanks for all your help (:
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Heather
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Sure thing. [Smile] Feel free to give a shout after you've talked if new things come up or you're still having troubles.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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xoxoaml
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I definitely will. I've just posted a new topic and hopefully you can help with that also, because it bothers me so much more than this.
xoxo (:

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Heather
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Of course. I've gotten the ball rolling with that other thread for you.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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