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Author Topic: is there something wrong with me?
xoxoaml
Neophyte
Member # 100620

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over the summer, I met a guy and we were "friends with benefits", but when we did 'it' something wasn't right.. or at least that's how I feel...

he wasn't the biggest (down there), but that doesn't matter right? I mean, it was still a penis.. but when we took part in I guess what you could call foreplay, (him fingering me & eating me out) I was way more pleasured than I was when actually having sex with him.

when he was putting it in me, he even said "you're really tight" but I didn't think that would matter, he would still be able to put it in, right? well, I guess not? while we were doing it, I didn't really feel anything and he kept asking me if it was in? it definitely wasn't in my butt, and he was fully erect, but I still didn't feel anything in me, he was pushing really hard and it only lasted for like 5 minutes.. I have no clue why and it bothers so much because now I have a boyfriend and I don't want it to be that way between us. (emotionless & me just laying there)

to this day, the guy still apologizes for it not being as good. & I guess I should mention that he had not had sex for 9 months or something like that before we did. (if that matters) ugh, I'm freaking out. help ????

Posts: 9 | From: Virginia | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I think it might help to drop this idea you've posted about twice now about only intercourse being "actual sex."

When, as sex educators, we say "sex," what we usually mean is:

quote:
If we say someone is having sex, or doing something sexual, we mean they are acting from their own sexuality, looking to express it in action and/or to try and actively experience or explore a feeling of general or specific sexual desire, curiosity and/or satisfaction.

When we say "sex," what we mean is any number of different things people freely choose to do to tangibly and actively express or enact their sexuality; what they identify or know to be their sexual feelings.

If "sex" was the answer, the questions would be things like "What am I doing to try and feel good sexually or to express feeling good sexually? What am I doing that feels sexual to me (or to me and a partner)? What am I doing that feels like a way to express my sexuality, or my sexual desires and/or feelings about myself or others?"

(That's from here).

And a definition like that is much more reflective of many people's experiences with all of sex and sexuality, including straight people, than the idea that intercourse = sex and every other kind of sex = only foreplay or not "actual" sex. Know what I mean?

Mind, who knows what went on here. maybe he wasn't actually inside your vagina. or maybe you just weren't excited enough for it to feel like anything was going on (and that has a lot more to do with intercourse feeling good than the size of a partner's penis). You say it was emotionless and you were just lying there, which sounds about as unexcited as it gets.

I have a couple links besides that link I already included that I think it might help you to read if you haven't already:
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Yield for Pleasure
• The Great No-Orgasm-from-Intercourse Conundrum

[ 11-25-2012, 03:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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I'd also add that I don't see any reason to be freaking out here, because sex, with anyone, needs to be something where it is always okay for it to be less-than-awesome. because no matter what, sometimes that's exactly how it -- ANY kind of sex -- is going to be.

Just like every meal we eat isn't going to be the most delicious thing ever, every time we have sex it isn't going to be mind-blowing. And that is totally, absolutely okay. If you don't feel okay with that, and the idea of it ever being less than awesome really scares you, I think that can be a good cue you might need to slow things down so you can get comfortable with that reality first.

One more link that might be helpful on that: Sorting Maybe from Can't-Be: Reality Checking Partnered Sex Wants & Ideals

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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