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Author Topic: Masturbation and sex
BBB23
Neophyte
Member # 100622

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Ok so I'll start by saying that you've probably had a million of these questions but I just cannot find the right answer for my situation. I am a female and also a virgin. I've been masturbating by grinding on the edge of a bed for awhile now and it's the only method of masturbation I've ever used. I orgasm through it and it feels great. So recently my boyfriend was fingering me in the sense of touching my clitoris. This felt good but I did not have the same mind blowing release I get from my method of masturbation. As much as I like what I felt when he touched me, I still crave that mind blowing release. I've read that masturbating to much by one method can create a mental correlation between that method and orgasm, making it harder to orgasm any other way like through touch. Is that true? If so is there anything I can do to make sure that I receive that same mind blowing release when my boyfriend touches me, or even when I touch myself? Will abstaining from grinding the bed while also trying other methods of masturbtion help me come better through just touch? Thanks a lot! [Smile]
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Well, masturbation can involve habits and getting into them just like anything else in life.

In other words, for sure, if we masturbate in only one very specific way, we can find that that way becomes the way we most easily orgasm, or feel most sexually comfortable.

I don't think it's sound to try and aim for have orgasm either you have alone, or from X way of doing things feel identical with someone else or with Y way -- mostly because it doesn't have to in the first place for you to experience pleasure, which isn't just about orgasm, to boot.

But, if you want to change things up a little bit so you don't feel so beholden to this one way of exploring sexual pleasure or getting off, you can certainly do that. And the fact that you've become an ace with this one way doesn't mean other things can't be or won't be very enjoyable for you.

What can you do to facilitate that? You can start adding other things to your masturbation besides this one activity, for instance. Just adding, versus taking what you know you like away. because if you like it, why?

With this partner, is this a new partner? have you two been exploring any kinds of sex for a while now together (let's say a while in this case is a few months)?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BBB23
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Member # 100622

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I'm sorry I didn't quite understand what you meant in this paragraph "I don't think it's sound to try and aim for have orgasm either you have alone, or from X way of doing things feel identical with someone else or with Y way -- mostly because it doesn't have to in the first place for you to experience pleasure, which isn't just about orgasm, to boot."

And to answer your question this was my first ever time having an sort of sexual experience with another person.
I mean I really liked how I felt with him and I wasn't disappointed I just still crave that explosive relief that I get with my masturbtion technique and I was hoping there might be a way to experience that with him.

Thanks a lot for the help.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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No trouble, let me give it another go.

What I mean is that most of the time, people aren't going to have the same experience sexually -- with orgasm or other parts of sexual response -- with partners that they do via masturbation. So, trying to have things feel or be the same with a partner just often isn't sound, because it's just not going to be the same.

But too, now that you add your level of sexual experience to this, just like it tends to take a good deal of time to find out what works for us and feels best with masturbation, the same is true with partnered sex. True in general, and also true with any given partner.

There's a learning curve with sex. having mind-blowing sex with a partner the first time out? Beyond unlikely. same goes with you and a partner being able to learn what you both like best together the first time out. That often takes partners at least weeks to start to get there, and more often months or even years. When people are older and have more sexual history and experimentation to draw on, the learning curve will tend to be something that can move along more quickly, sometimes a whole lot more.

But when you're young, new to sex with someone else as a whole AND new to a partner? It's just going to take a while. A while to develop the sexual communication generally needed for enjoyable sex, a while for each of you to learn about both of your bodies and sexualities, a while to figure out how both of those things with each of you work together, and so forth.

Is that making more sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BBB23
Neophyte
Member # 100622

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That does help a lot, there's just a lot of misinformation about masturbation floating around out there and it was making me worried!

Also one last question, when he was inserting a finger, it did not hurt for him to insert it but I felt a burning sensation when he moved it in and out. Could it be I just wasn't wet/lubed enough? And if I just don't enjoy fingering (because I just don't even enjoy it that much when I do it myself) does that mean I won't enjoy other kinds of penetrative sex?

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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There sure is, and it's understandable that a lot of it can really freak people out.

With the fingering, did this entry happen AFTER you were already very turned on, but also after or with other kinds of sexual activity that tends to make sex with vaginal entry of any kind feel better and more interesting for most folks? Like say, oral sex on your vulva, or rubbing of your external clitoris?

Also, when it felt burny, did you make any adjustments? Like adding more lube, asking him to try and do what he was a bit differently, etc? Was that fingering something you yourself wanted to do and do in that way?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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BBB23
Neophyte
Member # 100622

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I was turned on but I had just finished my period so I know I was most likely a lot drier down there. I did ask him to stop and he did after which we moved onto other things. We never really came back to that but next time I'll ask him to try and make adjustments to see if it helps!

Thanks so much for your help. It's nice to finally get sound information on these kinds of thing that doesn't leave me even more confused. Thank you!

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Of course. [Smile]

I'm going to leave you a couple links to read, if you haven't already, I think might also be of use to you around these issues:

• Yield for Pleasure
• With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body
• Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry
• Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide
• Is THAT All There Is?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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