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Author Topic: Freaking Out...need advice...possible pregnancy?
Jessyork1996
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Member # 100535

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Ok...so last night I lost my virginity to my boyfriend of two years. One thing kinda led to the other, and we weren't expecting it to happen, so neither of us had a condom. We went ahead and had sex, but he made sure to pull out before he came. My period is in 8 days, but I'm freaking out about whether or not I could be pregnant. I come from a very conservative household, so I'd be dead if they found out I had sex, let alone got pregnant. I don't want to have a baby right now...I'm 16 and have a 4.0 and am on the path to go to medical school, and getting pregnant would pretty much prevent any of that. I thought about getting emergency contraception, but a number of things keep me from that; I'm not old enough to buy it on my own without a prescription...I don't have the $40 to buy it, and I won't have that money until Monday...and by then it's a little late...my boyfriend isn't taking me seriously when I talk to him about it either...he just keeps saying that I'll be fine, so having him buy it is out of the question...and then I'm so afraid to tell my mom. I don't want to disappoint her...but I don't know what to do. Do you think I have a high risk of pregnancy? And what's your advice?...I'm sorry if I'm just another post about an irresponsible teenager...but I don't know where else to turn.
Posts: 9 | From: Buffalo, MO | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jessyork1996
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Sorry, I posted this and then saw the moderators' posts about possible pregnancy questions...my apologies...
Posts: 9 | From: Buffalo, MO | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kachina
Scarleteen Volunteer
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I wouldn't say you have a high risk of pregnancy if he pulled out well before ejaculation, but there is a risk of pregnancy with any kinds of sex that can cause it, even with contraception. Withdrawal is 73% effective with typical use. Taking emergency contraception would lower this chance, the sooner you take it the lower it will be. Do you feel like you want to take EC? It is up to you whether the risk you took warrants it or not, or if you feel comfortable enough with the chances, not your boyfriend. How old is he - is he old enough he could buy some for you? Do you have any older friends who might be able to get it for you?

Here is some more info on withdrawal:
Withdrawal

Also, a part of being ready for sex is being prepared with things like condoms, as well as being prepared for the possibilities that might occur, like pregnancy and STIs. Do you feel you were ready to go this far? Anxiety afterwards can sometimes be a sign we are not ready yet. Check out this great article:
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

Also, has your boyfriend been tested for STIs? You will want to make sure you schedule testing yourself now that you are sexually active.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jessyork1996
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He's been tested and he doesn't have any STI's. As for age, he's old enough to buy it, but with it being the holidays he is out of town with family of his. I thought I was ready for it...but I really don't know. I don't know if it's just the worry over a possible pregnancy that's causing this anxiety, or if it was because it was my first time. Hopefully in a week I'll get my period and I can answer that question myself. About the EC...I want to take it, because I am really worried about this...but with it not being a high risk, I don't know if I'm willing to tell my parents about it...and as for older friends, I don't know if I'm willing to share with them about me losing my virginity, either...so I'm at a crossroads, so to speak.
Posts: 9 | From: Buffalo, MO | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Claire P.
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Hi there Jessyork,

First of all, you do sound very worried- if you feel EC would ease those worries, know you say you feel uncomfortable admitting you lost your “virginity” to your older friends, but without getting into details with them, perhaps you have an older friend you would feel comfortable confiding in about this- and/or you’re close with someone older who would be okay with buying it for you, and having you pay them back on Monday?

I can totally understand not wanting to spill this to your folks- do you think your worry level is worth waiting it out for your period- or is getting access to EC more important for you? Would it be possible to schedule a doctor's appointment yourself to get the prescription without revealing the why? There are also a bunch of clinics (like some run by Planned Parenthood) throughout the US that can prescribe/provide, plus charge according to a sliding scale- which can even sometimes be as low as free. I'm not sure of the specifics of MO off the top of my head, but if you are really worried and think this might be a possibility for you/your situation in your particular state/area, perhaps we could look up some options?

Also, could you clarify something for me a bit? When you say you “weren’t expecting it to happen,” that sounds to me like you are saying (and at least to me, it sounds like your level and specificity of worry reflect this) that you were NOT feeling ready to have sex- or at least not ready enough to have any kind of actualized plan? I’m asking about this specifically because you responded to Kat saying you thought you might have been ready... was this in a more general thinking about it way? Had you and your boyfriend discussed the possibility of having penis-in-vagina (PIV) intercourse at some point soon in the future- and it was just that the way this particular occasion worked out was “unplanned,” although you had discussed it in the recent past? Have you talked about the methods of protections you would ideally use if you had PIV intercourse in the future?

The reason I ask is that I’m wondering what your boyfriend’s perspective on your worry is coming from- how does he explain his feeling that “it will be fine?” It *is* pretty essential that you both feel safe and comfortable during/about sexual stuff, after all. Do you want to talk at all about ways you and he could communicate better about certain subjects? Having good communication skills with a partner is obviously pretty important in a relationship always, but when you get into sensitive subject areas like not being sure if you are comfortable with the sexual activity going in certain directions, etc., it can get a whole lot more awkward/uncomfortable-- especially in cases when the partner, for whatever reason, doesn’t know that this is one of those occasions where they should be taking you totally seriously.

I personally love this page we have on how to conduct these kinds of potentially awkward/uncomfortable conversations with a partner in a REAL way: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/be_a_blabbermouth_the_whys_whats_and_hows_of_talking_about_sex_with_a_partner

[ 11-22-2012, 01:23 AM: Message edited by: Claire P. ]

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Kachina
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I'd also like to add that there is no way your boyfriend can know "it will be fine" if by that he means you won't get pregnant. One of the least effective methods of contraception was used, and him blowing you off that way instead of helping you lower your chances doesn't seem very respectful. I second Claire on reading that article, I like it as well.

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

Posts: 876 | From: Seattle | Registered: Apr 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jessyork1996
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Member # 100535

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I don't think it would be possible for me to schedule a doctor's appointment without my parents finding out, and they would want to know why I was scheduling one. I know there is at least one planned parenthood in Springfield, which isn't a far drive from where I live. The only problem with that is that my mom doesn't feel comfortable with me driving by myself to Springfield (it's a much bigger town than ours, and I started driving by myself around 6 months ago).

As for the matter of if I was ready or not...we have talked about it before, but we didn't really know when it would happen because there aren't too many opportunities. When we did get the opportunity on Monday, we realized we didn't have any protection but we went ahead anyway...but I truly felt like I was ready at that moment. I now know I would've been more ready if we would've had a condom, or another form of birth control, because I wouldn't be as worried as I am now.

I've discussed it with my boyfriend and told him that I'm done taking chances and if we have sex again, it has to be with a condom or we just won't.

My boyfriend says that it will be fine because he's had sex before and he says he's done this before...he says I'll be fine and that I'm overreacting. I try to talk to him about it, but he just gets irritated because I've been bringing it up a lot since he won't take me seriously. I mentioned him buying me EC, but he says that it's too expensive and there's no point because he says there's hardly any chance I am. I ask him how he's so sure, and he says "I just am". It's frustrating that he won't take me seriously when he's the only one that I can talk to about this.

Thank you for the articles though, I'll check them out.

Posts: 9 | From: Buffalo, MO | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
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HI Jessyork1996,

That really is frustrating that you're not getting the support and patience from your boyfriend that you need right now.

It's not accurate for him to say that since he's used withdrawal before and his partner didn't get pregnant that this means you won't. The risks are low if he used the withdrawal method properly (that is, withdrew well before ejaculation). The prevailing issue seems to be here not the amount of actual risk, but the dismissive way your boyfriend is treating real concerns that you have.

What do you need right now to feel more settled with this?

Would you like to talk through ways to talk with one of your friends to see if you can get some support from at least one of them?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Jessyork1996
Neophyte
Member # 100535

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My boyfriend and I talked a little bit about it earlier today and he seemed like he was actually listening instead of just dismissing me right off...but in the end he still just said to trust him and to not worry about it. I don't really think I can talk to any of my friends about it, though. I just wish I could get my boyfriend to understand that even though he's done this before, I haven't...and it's hard for me not to be worried about the possible risks when it's my first time.
Posts: 9 | From: Buffalo, MO | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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