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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » I'm real scared (Page 1)

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Author Topic: I'm real scared
im15andscaredandhopeless
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Hi...My name is Angel and I'm 15 i really am scared i have an abusive boyfriend and i don't know how to break it off other then that I'm also pg and the daddy is not the one im with the dad would be pissed if he found out i mean he lives me i'm scared he will hate meh if i lose the baby i love Trevor (the dad) i don't feel right with Jordy (abusive bf)
HELP!

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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HI Angel,

This sounds like a difficult and scary situation for you to be in.

I have a few questions so I can understand your situation more clearly.

First I want to find out if you're in immediate danger. Do you live with the boyfriend who is abusing you?


Can you talk some more about what you're afraid will happen if you break up with him?

What kind of support do you have from your friends and family?

Does anyone else know about your boyfriend abusing you? Would anyone you know be able to help you with this?

I'm a little unclear about your relationship to the guy you got pregnant with. Can you say more about that?

I know these are a lot of questions, but knowing more about you and about what's going on will help us help you figure out what you want to do next.

Please know, too, that if you feel at any time that you are in physical danger, you need to call the police or 911, or get somewhere that you know you will be safe.

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Robin

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Robin Lee
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Just to let you know, I'm just headed out after a long day. Other volunteers will be around in the next several hours, so someone will get back to you.

If you're finding you're needing to talk to someone sooner, you can give the national teen dating abuse hotline a call at:
1.866.331.9474

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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No I do not live with Jordan
I'm afraid he will try and kill me....
My family think he is nice and sweet he really can be a sweetie if you want's to be but he isn't nice around me and just me or me and his friends
nobody knows but me and him and now you my stepbro could prob help but the guy I'm pregnant with is like my love! I LOVE HIM! but i can't help it because he has a gf other then me...

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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HI Angel,

It's very common for abusive people to act nice around others and be abusive towards their partner.

The first step here is to let someone know whom you trust that things aren't what they seem from the outside. How old is your step-brother? Do you think you could start by just telling him what's going on?

Are you in school? If so, is there a teacher or a counsellor there you feel comfortable talking to?

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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he is 14 yes i ca trust him yes im in school and no i odnt feel comfortable telling them

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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HI angel,

It would be great if you got support from your step-brother. I think though that it's also important for you to get some support from a trusted adult. I know you said that your family really likes Jordan; what do you think would happen if you told them that Jordan is abusive to you?

Do you think it would help for you to read about abusive relationships and how people have gotten out of them?

How long have you and Jordan been dating? Has he hurt you physically? You mentioned that you're afraid he'll kill you and I was wondering if he has said or done something that has made you afraid of this specifically.

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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ya...he hass threatened me and yea i could talk to my stepmom and me and Jordan have been together for about a year i cheated on him with Trevor...I'm so upset...

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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Hey, Angel. Glad to see you got started here on the boards.

How about starting to get some in-person help and support by telling your stepmom about all of this if she's the adult you feel you can talk to?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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(Also, is your username here your legal name?

If it is, as we mention in the user registration agreement, please do NOT use that name here, as it means your privacy is totally unprotected. You can switch your username -- "public name" -- by clicking "my profile" near the top right of the main forum page. If you could please do that the next time you come on, and switch to something that does not personally identify you, that'd be great, thanks.)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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ok I've changed it thank you and i really want to talk to her about it but I'm scared...

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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Starting a conversation can be really tough, especially when it's about something that scares us.

perhaps you could tell us some about what scares you most about starting the conversation with your step-Mom?

Have you talked to your step-Mom about difficult things before? If so, how did it go?

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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well i have told her i was pregnatn but if i told her i was also getting beat i dont know whether she would believe me or not..I'm scared!

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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How about you have a second person to tell just in case, and so you know you have that person to fall back on?

For example, have you seen a doctor yet for your pregnancy? If so, how about that person?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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i mean ya i have seen one but idk if i can trust them i guess i could try...

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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You've mentioned several times that you're not sure if you can trust various people in your life. Have you had specific experiences with these people that has made you not trust them? If so, what kind of experiences have these been? Or is it more of a general feeling of not being able to trust people.

Do you have an appointment to see the doctor who is caring for you while you're pregnant? That is, are they checking up on how you're doing?

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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I don't trust anyone in general except Trevor and my step-bro....

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~Alone-Forever~

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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and yes i have people to check up on me

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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HI im15andscaredandhopeless,

While Trevor and your step-brother can be terrific supports for you, the people who are going to be best able to help you figure out how to get out of a relationship you don't want to be in, and that it's not good to be in, are adults. How can we best help you identify who you can talk to and figure out how to feel enough trust to at least try talking to someone?

What do you think is going to help you right now?

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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i think maybe if trevor let me talk to his mom i mean she might be able to help

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~Alone-Forever~

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Robin Lee
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So you feel good about talking to Trevor's Mom. You know, you don't need Trevor's permission to talk to her.

When will you be seeing her next? If it'll be a while, do you think you can see her sooner?

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Robin

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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maybe i think i could try but she honestly dont now about the baby just me trevor the doctor and Danny (Step-Bro)

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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I'm just passing through, but I'm glad to hear you've identified at least one adult you feel you can talk to.

Really, if you're pregnant and planning to remain pregnant, it's not something you can hide forever, or even for very much longer. So, the people in your life are going to find out in time anyway. Why not go ahead and tell at least one trusted adult like this NOW, so you can start getting all the help and support you are going to need?

I know these conversations can feel awfully scary to have, but they're conversations you need to have. And I also think having them with someone else's parent is probably pretty good practice for telling yours about everything that's going on, including your pregnancy.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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thank you you have all been a great help!

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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I want to make sure, if you're planning on remaining pregnant and carrying the pregnancy to term, that the doctor you saw also gave you resources to get connected with services?

In other words, in the event that your parents do not support this pregnancy, and you still want to remain pregnant, resources like WIC, local shelters and other care?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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well i dont live with my parents i live with my dads exg and her son now soo....idk but they support me through it seems like they are the only ones who do

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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So, you have already told your dad's ex-girlfriend (does she have legal custody of you?) about your pregnancy?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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she doesnt have legal custody but she is supporting me at the moment and yes i have...

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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How about also telling this person about the abuse, then? Sounds like you know this is someone you can trust.

Again, though, did your doctor connect you to those services? They're very important either way, especially since even if your Dad's ex is willing to be supportive, chances are good she probably can't afford to pay for all of your pregnancy care, both pre-natal and with delivery, which can cost tens of thousands of dollars, or fully financially support your infant. Those resources can also help get you connected to other supports you might need.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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yes te doctor has supperted me with WIC and other services im also going to my health center for the pre-natal vitamins for free

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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Okay, great. Just wanted to make sure you were connected with the basic things you need for at least part of all you're dealing with right now. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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thanx [Smile] i just really am scared but I'm def keeping my baby!

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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By any chance, is there a YWCA in your area?

I ask because the Y often provides fantastic free services, including support and counseling for women who are or who have been in abuse. They also often offer many support services for pregnant women & teens.

So if you do have a Y near you, it might be a good idea to check it out and ask about what they can offer. With even one of these things going on (very young pregnancy or an abusive relationship), anyone needs all the support they can get. With both, I just don't think you could have too many resources or avenues of support and help.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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im15andscaredandhopeless
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thank you so much I feel so different from when i first started out with the problem i mean i feel i can trust a few more people then expected and i jusy needed some support i mean i definately want this this baby and can't wait to have him/her...I'm just scared about the abusive guy...

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~Alone-Forever~

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Heather
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Any of us should be scared of abusive people.

So, why don't you move forward with those baby steps to getting safer: namely, telling at least one trusted adult, like your Dad's ex or Trevor's Mom.

You can let us know how that goes, and we're happy to help you with next steps as you go.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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