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Author Topic: Should I have sex? Please reply
TheGlow228
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I'm a 16 year old girl with an 18 year old boyfriend and we've been together for well over 2 years. We've discussed sex, and at this point, I know it may not be a such a good idea. Firstly I know it's going to be hard to be alone, I'd have to ask to go on the pill which won't go over well, and most importantly I wonder if having sex with him now or ever is a good decision. He's a great guy, handsome and has direction for his life. My family and friends agree. We've had our ups and downs, I've been critical on him and I've made him feel dumb even though he isn't. We almost broke up because of my overbearing behavior and his sometimes passive nature. He has a young spirit and acts goofy around me and sometimes it makes me feel like he's lame and that I shouldn't bother having sex with him.

But I really am curious about sex and I really do love him.

It's clear that me and my bf need to work on our relationship a little bit more so I can prove that I'm being more loving and accepting of who he is instead of trying to change him, but the idea of actually having sex (not just being horny, but going through with having sex) won't go away. We both know it's better to wait until all our ducks are in a row, so here's my question:

Should the fact that my bf is willing to act more silly and feminine around me in a way that sometimes turns me off stop me from having sex with him? When we are physical in other ways it's good and I forget about other behaviors, but will I feel awkward when he goes back to being a goofball?

[ 11-14-2012, 09:25 PM: Message edited by: TheGlow228 ]

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Claire P.
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Hi TheGlow228, and welcome to Scarleteen!

Could you clarify for me why, at this point, you are considering having sex? Right now, it seems to me (and please correct me if I'm wrong) that your main/whole reasoning is that you are curious, and that you love your boyfriend. It also seems like the majority of this post is your reasoning *against* making the choice to have sex.

If you are wondering "if having sex with him now or ever is a good decision," I think that is a pretty critical thought. Rather than concentrating on your boyfriend's habit of "being a goofball," I think it might be a good idea to think about this more broadly? You have laid out a number of legitimate reasons you are hesitant about this, so what is it about sex that you think will be more of a pro in this relationship?

By what you have posted here, it seems to me like you feel you might not be ready for sex. Here's a good post to check out for that: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/sexuality/ready_or_not_the_scarleteen_sex_readiness_checklist

I also recommend you check this one out! It's long, but one of (in my opinion) Heather's greatest:
http://www.scarleteen.com/article/pink/an_immodest_proposal

[ 11-15-2012, 10:04 AM: Message edited by: Claire P. ]

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TheGlow228
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Well I guess that I feel it's part of our natural progression and I feel like I'm mentally ready. It seems like external factors are my only limitations besides me wavering about his personality which in the end isn't a major concern because really all he's doing is letting his guard down. He's expressed that he also knows we aren't ready because of external factors like bc and location. I guess I'm just feeling out of control. I want to have sex, but I don't have what I need and there's nothing me nor my bf can do. I think I want to do it more than him, for sure, but I'd never pressure him. I just wanted to sort through these confusing feelings.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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You know, I may be stating the obvious, but I think it's generally a given, especially when we're in long-term relationships with someone, that not everything someone else does is going to turn us on or be a part of them that peaks our sexual interest.

In other words, being sexually attracted to someone isn't something that's often 24/7 once new relationship energy has worn off. Our ongoing partners -- and heck, often even more casual partners -- are going to do some things or have some parts of their personality that might even be a sex buzzkill for us.

So, I'd say that if we're trying to decide about having sex with someone, that if part of our criteria is "they must not turn me off sometimes," we're probably never going to have that criteria met, particularly with people we're going to interact with for more than an evening or a few days.

I think a more sound criteria -- with this issue, specifically, since this obviously isn't the only criteria in our sexual choices -- is something like, "Is this person turning me on NOW," with the now being at whatever given time we are considering any kind of sex with them.

Know what I mean? In other words, do YOU feel a strong desire, on your own, to have sex with this guy now or anytime soon? Is this someone to whom you generally feel and have felt sexually attracted? Has whatever kind of sexual activity or contact you've already had felt good to you and right for you? For example, if you two have had makeout sessions: how has that felt?

That said, I hear you clearly saying you don't have what you need right now around sex. I don't know what those needs are, but by all means, if you have needs for sex to be something you really want and feel good about, then I'd work those things out first and assure those needs are met. If something about those needs isn't realistic, period, not just in this relationship or situation, then I'd spend more time processing that and figuring out what you need that IS first.

[ 11-15-2012, 12:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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TheGlow228
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The needs at this point are getting birth control, making sure we have a good location where we won't be bothered, and the time to do it. Those things may not all be available to me for a little while, but I guess the waiting is killing me. I definitely get what you're saying about not being so nit-picky about turn-offs. I think that makes since.

Looking back I kinda feel silly haha. I hate feeling like I have no place to go. With progressing sexually, it's either you stay on a plateau or you escalate. Knowing that I can't escalate and at the same time getting sick of the plateau is frustrating. But I definitely understand what you were saying.

[ 11-15-2012, 02:49 PM: Message edited by: TheGlow228 ]

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Claire P.
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Totally understand that cooped-in feeling, Glow!

But, "escalating" isn't necessarily a better time- and that is (as it seems you know) not a reason in itself to have intercourse. Do you feel you're drawn towards this because you're bored in some way?
I think it's helpful to remember that it's not really a plateau if you don't make it one- sexual experience and activity doesn't have to be the "same old" every time.

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