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Author Topic: Drunk sex or rape?
eroyltn009
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Member # 100537

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I had sex with someone I'd just met while I was drunk and felt fine about it afterwards (besides being a little hungover), even though it's not something I normally do. I remember everything that happened, flirted back with him, verbally agreed to both going home with him and having sex with him when he asked me, and reminded him to use protection. Even if I hadn't been drinking, I probably would have had sex with him anyway because I thought he was attractive and I was horny. Recently, I heard somewhere that people who are intoxicated are "incapable of giving consent," and that it's rape. I didn't have any negative feelings about what happened until I heard this, and I really don't want to think of myself has having been raped. Actually, I think it's kind of sexist because the way it seems in society is that drunk women are incapable of giving consent, but if a man goes drinking and then has sex with someone because he's horny, it is seen as a normal one night stand. Of course, if a person is falling over/can't even walk by themselves, puking, roofied, or blacked out during, then it definitely screams rape, but I was none of those things; just really drunk. (He wasn't the one who got me drunk and I don't think I was roofied because from the one drink he got me I only had like one or two sips). Maybe it wasn't entirely moral on his part to sleep with a drunk person but is it really *rape*, even if the drunk person in question is willing and aware of everything that's happening? I didn't feel raped afterwards, but I just want an expert's opinion.
Posts: 7 | From: LA | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
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Welcome to ST, erol.

No, it does not sound like the experience you describe was a rape.

When we are talking about people being unable to give consent, we are talking about someone who is intoxicated to an extent where they are not in full command anymore. So, drunk to the point of slurring speech, blacking out, etc.

If you fully remember everything that happened, and consciously and obviously consented to sex, you were not raped. And most important of all, if you don't feel like you were any way violated, you weren't.

The tricky thing with mixing alcohol and sex, especially if you're new to both, is that we sometimes don't know our limits. So, it's always a good idea to make your sex-decisions while sober.

But, having a drink or two doesn't make you automatically unable to give consent. What's most important is how you feel about the situation, and if you say that you gave full consent, then that's what counts.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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eroyltn009
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Okay thank you. I actually had like three or four drinks in total ha but I agree that as long as I didn't black out and consciously consented then it's fine. Thanks again.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Just to be clear, when intoxicated -- sometimes to ANY degree -- in many places, people are incapable of giving LEGAL consent.

In other words, that means that if someone was drinking, and the question of rape comes up legally, the fact that they were drinking, particularly if the other person was not, often all by itself means legal consent was not there. Just something important to know if you're going to combine sex and drinking. It also, in the United States, applies to all genders: it is no longer just about women.

For that reason, our general suggestion would be that people avoid mixing sex and booze, especially with partners where there isn't a pre-established relationship and everyone knows and trusts one another very well. Alcohol does impair our judgment, and tends to be a chemical that makes people feel less inhibited -- both things people tend to like about it -- so it certainly is sound that we have laws that factor alcohol use into account with sex and sexual assault.

Because it very often does tend to result in people either making sexual decisions they wouldn't sober (it's also very strongly established with STI and unplanned pregnancy rates; people tend to make less safe sexual choices while drinking), and IS strongly associated, as well, with sexual assault, we simply say to aim to avoid sex while drunk as a general rule, or with anyone who is, or who you think might be, drunk.

[ 11-21-2012, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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eroyltn009
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Yeah, this is the first time I've ever done anything like this, which is mostly why I did it, just to have a different experience while I'm still young. Now that I have though I probably won't do it again in the future. Even though I don't think I was sexually assaulted because I was willing and didn't pass out or anything, I agree that alcohol can make you vulnerable to dangerous situations and make you do things you regret. Thanks for your response.
Posts: 7 | From: LA | Registered: Nov 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Sure thing. Just wanted to make sure that nothing was unclear in terms of legal consent, where this truly isn't up for grabs in many places.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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