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Author Topic: internet sex
concerneddad
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My 11 year old daughter is talking sex like having sex with with someone on the kids site Roblox. She has lied about her age so she can chat . She says says she is fourteen.How shall i handle this ????
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Heather
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Have you talked with her about it yet?

If not, how have talks about sex and sexuality gone between the two of you so far in her life? Do you have some basis for these conversations you've already established, or would talks about issues like this be something very new?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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concerneddad
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Yes I have told her there is no way of knowing the true identity of the person she is talking to . She is continuing this behaviour since we first became aware of it a couple of months ago.
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Heather
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Okay, but have you had talks with her about sex and sexuality before this or around this?

To be clear, it sounds like what she's trying to do here is explore her sexuality, something very typical with both children and adolescents. So, if that huge topic isn't one you've started talking about yet, sounds like it's time, and that can certainly include talking about ways to explore her sexuality safely -- for instance, like masturbation alone. Get what I mean?

Talking about WHY you're uncomfortable with or concerned about this, beyond her not knowing who she is talking to (which, if she's sharing no personal information, isn't actually a danger to her), but also making clear to her that you recognize she's growing into her sexuality and will be curious, and that's okay BUT you want to make sure she's safe and sound with that, are talks to be having here.

If you have NOT yet had any of those talks, I'd be happy to suggest some good books for parents that can help you with that.

I'd add that it's also okay for you, as a parent, to have limits, boundaries and rules. So, for instance, you can certainly tell her that you're not comfortable with her using the computer for this, nor with her lying about her age to do so, and make clear that you are asking her to stop doing that. If you already have but she has continued to go against that request, then sounds like it's time to voice it again, ask her why it's a rule she can't respect, etc. You might also consider, if it's something you want to, perhaps supervising some more of her computer use, which I'd hardly say is extreme for someone as young as 11 (and I'm a pretty progressively-minded person).

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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concerneddad
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No talks yet. I would like some book suggesttions.Is there a book she can read? Is 11 too young for this site ? She is obviously a mature 11 year old .I have parental controls on the computer so I can moniter her activities.I have put a temporary ban on Roblox for now.I just don't want her to think she is bad for exploring but my problem is who is she talking to. I'm afraid she is talking to some pervert.

[ 11-03-2012, 07:10 PM: Message edited by: concerneddad ]

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Heather
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Per COPPA laws and policies in the United States, we can't collect any identifying information from users under 13 -- including an email address, needed to register -- without a parents permission. But if you'd like to grant that to her (using the contact us link below, I can tell you how to do that), we'd be happy to talk with her if she'd like.

In terms of books,Deborah Roffman has a new one out I haven't looked at yet, but she's great and I think it might be just the thing. It's called "Talk to Me First." Her previous book, "Sex and Sensibility: The Thinking Parent's Guide to Talking Sense About Sex" is excellent. I also really like "Ten Talks Parents Must Have with Their Children About Sex and Character," by Pepper Schwartz and Dominic Cappello.

Have you or her co-parent (if there is one in the picture here) given HER any books about sex or sexuality yet? If not, if she reads above her level, mine might be a good one, though I can also suggest some more tailored to her age group. Being 11, however mature, really is a different developmental spot, sexually, than even being a few years older. If you don't already have a book for any of you about her development, sexually-speaking, during her tweens, it might be good for all of you to make sure you have and read one.

Also, Karen Rayne is a sex educator in Texas I like a lot who does a lot of parent education. So, her website might also be one you find useful: http://karenrayne.com/

There's also a new resource out there from another educator I like, called the Sex-Positive Parent, and that's here: http://thesexpositiveparent.com/

I have to head off for the day, but I'm happy to talk with you more about this, help you figure out some talking points, etc. tomorrow if you like. Just give a shout. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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concerneddad
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thank you. I have edited my last post with some added information.
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Heather
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Of course.

And I think in talking with her, you can just make sure to make clear that your problem here isn't about her having a sexuality nor being curious. Rather, your issue is more about internet safety.

(Of course,. I'd also add that I think it might be worth talking about our choices in who we explore our sexuality with and how we feel about that, and talk a little pro/con about doing that with people we know and trust vs. people where we have no idea who they are, and where -- as she certainly understands herself -- people might be lying about things that matter to her, like their age, their motives, etc. And if you can ask a lot of questions around this with what she's seeking out, it could probably wind up being a great conversation, since she obviously has reasons she wants to explore things this way, and hearing her on them can help open up lines of communication here.)

So, maybe tonight you can start by just opening with that? making clear you felt you had to ban the site, because asking her not to do that obviously didn't work, but that this isn't about anything being wrong with her or her having sexual curiosity, but about you feeling she isn't getting how she can explore these feelings or curiosities in safe ways?

[ 11-03-2012, 07:23 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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concerneddad
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thanks so much
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
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Of course. Have you been able to have any talks about this yet? If so, they going okay? You feeling okay about them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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