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Author Topic: Dry Sex Question... Need clarification
m_azul
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Hello there, I am 19 years old, so I feel like I should probably know these things, but I don't.
I have read many of your things about pregnancy risks, questions of other people, etc. but I would really like to talk to someone myself who I know is correct so I can stop searching for inaccurate answers in other places.

Okay, so I have been dating my boyfriend for four and a half years. We are very close, but since I don't want to have intercourse before marriage, we do not do that. Never have, and don't plan to until after wedding.

We have done other things instead of intercourse (oral) but today we kinda did something different... I ended up with no bottoms on (sorry to be so blunt) and he only had on these polyester type basketball shorts. Not the ones with a lot of holes, but the other kind. Anyway, we weren't really "dry humping" but he was laying on top of me and we kissed. We weren't trying to heavily rub on each other. After that, he mentioned how he had pre*** on himself.

My question is, should I be worried about his pre*** reaching my vagina somehow? He said he was careful, and tried to put "himself" kinda on my thighs rather than touching me and that I shouldn't worry, but I constantly do so, so I wanted your help.

Some sites say it's very risky, some say at least 2 layers of clothing must be worn, and on here I couldn't find a place where it really said for sure. There was NO direct genital to genital contact, and he did NOT ejaculate. I just wanted to know what you all said about the one layer only thing. Should I be okay?

Thank you so much for being there for questions like these.

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m_azul
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Oh, and I apologize if I did not post in the right area, I just guessed. If I didn't, please tell me where I should post.
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September
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Sure! No problem.

So, your partner was wearing shorts and he did not ejaculate? Then this section of our Pregnancy Scared? article applies to you:
quote:
Were you only kissing, having oral sex, manual sex and/or dry sex, where everyone had clothes on and no one ejaculated on or very near anyone else's vulva? These kinds of sex do NOT present any pregnancy risks, though some can present risks of STIs.
One layer of clothing is absolutely enough. If at least one person is wearing at least one layer of clothing, there is no direct genital contact and thus no pregnancy risk.

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Johanna
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"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

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m_azul
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So no need for worry?

I truly appreciate this, and I will definitely be more careful. It was just so confusing. So your good with one layer. Always. Right?

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m_azul
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Sorry my reply got cut off. And yeah so many website say so many things and I was confused and all. He and I were just worried that it could've seeped through the thin shorts.
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September
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There is no pregnancy risk without direct genital contact.

I am going to link you to an article that explains how pregnancy does happen, to help you understand why your situation is not a risk:
Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

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Johanna
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m_azul
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Okay, thank you for calming my worrying. I really appreciate your help and thanks for the link. I have read it and I see why now and it makes sense.
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m_azul
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I don't mean to be annoying, but I read that link and if fluid were to seep through fabric, why is it not a pregnancy risk? Do the fibers make the sperm die? (if there was speem or if the precum had sperm in it) Because water and stuff can go through clothes, I was wondering how that all works.
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Heather
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Because sperm cells are very, very delicate and need a very specific environment to stay motile and create a pregnancy.

Fabric is not that environment. It lacks all kinds of things the vagina can offer, like a specific pH balance, fluids that help the cells to move instead of staying put, and body temperature, for instance.

So many people think of sperm as the things that create a pregnancy. But sperm cells are only one part of MANY parts (not just two: sperm and ovum) of creating a pregnancy. And without all those other pieces, sperm cells can't do jack.

[ 10-10-2012, 05:17 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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m_azul
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Oh okay. That makes sense. So Heather you also don't think there's a reason to worry or have an EC pill?
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Heather
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I don't, no.

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m_azul
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Okay. Well I appreciate everything! I am having to study alot, so worrying doesn't help at all. I can go on without worry now though [Smile] thank you so so much for being such a trustworthy place to come to and be able to actually talk to someone.
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Heather
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You're very welcome. [Smile] Hang in there!

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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And you'd even tell your daughter, sister, or best friend that same thing?
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Heather
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I sure would.

Of course, I might also tell someone I was very close to like that -- or any of you -- the it sounds like thinking of what you're doing as not-sex isn't serving you. In other words, it can be easy not to think about risks until we're in a panic if we frame only one kind of sexual contact as sex, and the rest as not.

So, moving forward, I think it might help you out for you and your partner to acknowledge you ARE having some kinds of sex, make sure you both feel okay about that, and make sure you know about what, if any, risks of things like pregnancy or STIs certain kinds of sexual contact pose so you can be sure to only choose things you feel okay about and reduce risks as needed moving forward, with things like condoms (like with oral sex) or handwashing as needed.

Sometimes even just that kind of talk can take care of feeling so freaked and panicked, and it might even be going without that kind of talk is part of what's got you feeling worried.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Thanks. That is some of the most helpful advice I've gotten. We didn't really talk about risks, and until about a week ago I thought you could only get pregnant from intercourse. When I found out other ways, that's when I absolutely freaked. Especially after my incident I mentioned above. I feel so bad, ive been very distant from by bf since that day, and I hate it. I've just been so stressed and scared.
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Heather
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Of course.

Do you want to talk more about that, maybe talk some of those feelings and fears through with me, and perhaps figure out how to talk about them with your boyfriend?

If so, I'm around for a bit. [Smile]

By the way, you can probably see that if and when someone -- or two people -- are trying very hard to classify certain things they are doing as not-sex, they're NOT likely to talk about risks, because, of course, that would make it awfully hard to keep calling those activities not-sex. It's not just you, I swear. This is a huge part of why the unplanned pregnancy and STI rate tends to be the same or higher among those who pledge abstinence than among those who don't. So not just you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Well, I've talked to him a lot. I think I have driven him crazy... He's kinda frustrated by the amount of times I bring it up. He kinda says its my fault for worrying... But I told him that morning we didn't need condoms since we wouldn't be having direct contact/sex. So I do feel it's my fault, and I'm kinda alone now :/ I mean I am feeling guilt from the incident, and to be honest I am still worried a bit about it. I know both you, Joey, and my bf have told me not to worry as well as my mom (back when she said not many ppl get pregnant except through intercourse) but I still am. I hate it, but it's always in the back of my mind "what if??" ya know? We touched and stuff after the time he was on top of me, and he wasn't even on me very long. It just so scary. Sorry I keep going on and on.
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m_azul
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We touched with hands not genital to genital
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Heather
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What do you mean it's your "fault?" What did he mean?

When you say you've brought it up a lot, have you talked about what you are and aren't comfortable doing from here on out, or do or don't want safeties for? If so, is he supportive of that?

You don't have to be sorry: talking through these kinds of feelings is what we're here for and we know how complex and scary they can be.

Want to also talk about where you think your feelings of guilt are coming from?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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He told me he'd wear a condom, so I wouldn't worry (he knows I'm afraid of something happening) and I told him it was okay, that we wouldn't do anything risky, and yeah... After we did that, I made the mistake of yahoo-ing it and got myself worked up. The reason he said it was my fault is because I said no to condoms. I wish I would've said yes now [Frown] but are you sure I wasn't at risk for pregnancy?
And yes, we have talked about our decisions for here on out.
and I feel guilty bc I told myself i would never do these things, and I love him so much, that I did... [Frown] I am just afraid my period won't come or something.

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Heather
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Okay. Let's try switching some things, then to see if we can't move some of this in a more positive direction for you.

It sounds to me like you thought you weren't going to worry about something it turned out you did. That'll happen, and is something we really can't predict well before we've actually experienced something. Too, it's pretty easy for a person who can't become pregnant to not understand how scary even the idea of it can be for someone who can: perhaps you can ask your boyfriend for a little more understanding here?

It also sounds like maybe you had the idea that him using a condom was a drag, or that it wasn't okay to say, "Yes, please," or maybe you've got your own baggage with them. (And again, this might be something where if condoms = sex, and you very much want to think you're not having sex, then using condoms may mean you'd be doing something you don't want to?) Whatever the reason or reasons, maybe it'd help for us to try and unpack any issues with condoms or their use for you?

(And yep, I'm sure. I think we've exhausted the issue of whether or not there was a risk, and at this point, you're either going to believe everyone or you're not, you know? I don't think we can convince you either way, save reminding you that worry about a pregnancy doesn't mean risk of a pregnancy.)

I don't think, myself, that loving someone involves doing things we don't want to do -- especially something like sex, rather than say, donating a kidney -- so I'm betting that if engaging in these activities are things you're doing but don't want to, it's probably been about something besides love. Want to try and figure out what it was about, so you can have a better sense of things moving forward?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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You just totally described how I feel about condoms. I definitely feel like condoms=sex. But thanks again for reassuring me about the risk. But yes, I know, sometimes I feel like if I don't want to do anything but kiss and hug, that it isn't good...
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Heather
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Okay, so we have something to start with!

Next up: can you recognize that sex isn't just intercourse? That things like oral sex or rubbing your bodies together to express sexual feelings are also sex?

And that it's also okay -- if it's what you actually want for yourself -- to engage in some kinds of sex, but draw whatever lines you want at others?

Why do you think only being okay with kissing and hugging "isn't good," do you think? Do you think only doing that is what would be good *for you*?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Yes, I've read some articles and stuff and realized its not just intercourse.

And maybe things like that are okay, but maybe not right now. I feel like I'm under a lot of stress between this and college, so I am feeling very overwhelmed.

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Heather
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So, I hear you saying that for right now, hugs and kisses are what you know are best for you, and what you can handle, so far as sexual/physical contact.

Do I have that right?

If so, have you been able to make that clear to your boyfriend, and has he made clear he gets that?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Yes you're right. And I haven't really told him hugs and kisses only yet... I don't know how.
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Heather
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What do you feel like your barriers are to feeling comfortable telling him that?

For example, what makes saying that feel more loaded for you than going into a restaurant and ordering a cup of coffee and a side of toast versus a four-course meal?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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I feel like he will think I've lost interest in him. He is easy to think he's done something wrong, or that he is a failure.
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Heather
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Okay.

Do you think he has the capacity to understand that you feeling desire for him isn't the same thing as you feeling that certain ways of expressing that desire aren't things you feel you can handle right now?

To give an example: someone diabetic might be WILD for chocolate cake. But someone diabetic also knows that as much as they love it, they need to nix it because it's just not good for them.

(My apologies for the non-stop food analogies, per usual!)

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Haha it's okay, It helps things make sense, plus I love food! I think he has the capacity, but I think it may be hard to take.
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Heather
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Go food! [Smile]

Well, he certainly might feel disappointed, and that's okay. It is disappointing when we want to do sexual things with someone and they decline on doing them with us. Heck, you might feel disappointed, too!

But honestly, anyone who is ready to be sexual with someone else and can handle being sexual with someone else needs to also be able to handle that. If we're really ready, then part of that picture is being able to manage our own disappointments in that regard. After all, for a whole bunch of reasons, even a partner we have, in the past, done about everything sexual you can do with will decline on any of those things again at any time. That's just the deal when we're dealing with partners, not masturbation. [Smile]

Can you trust him to have the kind of maturity and ability to manage himself in this regard? I just think of it as an extension of respect to someone, honestly: respect that I know they're an adult and I'm their partner, not their parent, if you get what I'm getting at.

This also means that you can accept that it's not your job to take care of a partner in the ways we're all supposed to take care of ourselves, nor is it your job to do everything ever, including things you don't want to, to "protect" someone from being disappointed sometimes, including with you.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Yes. Well I certainly have A LOT to talk to him about! But I honestly think it will be alright. You have been such a tremendous help, and I can't thank you enough for discussing all this. I really do feel better. I think I just needed to let some things out and actually discuss it with someone rather than searching randomly over the Internet (I've learned this is a horrible idea sometimes lol). But thank you so very much!!
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Heather
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You're welcome: glad to have been of help.

I hope it goes well, and you know where to find me if you need to talk more. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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m_azul
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Hey Heather, so I was fine and all after you saying there was not a risk, and I carried on like usual, until I went to the bathroom a little while ago. When I wiped, I had clear vaginal discharge as well as VERY VERY light pink tints in it... I am not supposed to have my period until October 28th and I normally do not have this at all. I told you the whole entire story about what my boyfriend and I did (I was naked and he only had basketball shorts on and he laid on top of me but was not pressing his tip onto my vulva and did not ejaculate) and I have not participated in anything else since. Should I be freaking out right now??? Well, I already am, but what's going on?
I know some women have this right after they get pregnant, but you and Joey said there was not a risk... Please help [Frown]

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