Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Why can't I masturbate? (Page 1)

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!   This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   
Author Topic: Why can't I masturbate?
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 8 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I can post this on the other thread if it would be better there, but I really don't know what to do about this. I can't masturbate to completion no matter what I do. I have lube and a vibrator, but even with those it's an excruciating hour-long unsuccessful process.
It feels OK, but not much better than playing a video game or something else that takes a lot less effort. This makes it really hard to motivate myself to keep trying. I usually find an area that feels nice to touch, but then eventually the sensation just stops and I have to start all over again. I'm also very tight to the point that I can't comfortably wear tampons so reaching my g-spot right now is probably either really painful or impossible.
It's awkward because I'm dating more now that I'm in college and eventually I'm probably going to have sex, but it does feel a bit like a box to check even if I like the guy because I just won't get as much out of it at first and I know it's going to hurt a lot.
Any advice on how to motivate myself or anything obvious that I'm doing wrong? I usually try when I'm somewhat horny and relaxed, but those moments are rare and don't last to long and every time I try I get more distracted by being frustrated.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
heero222
Activist
Member # 27731

Icon 1 posted      Profile for heero222         Edit/Delete Post 
Everyone is different but from what you're saying it sounds like how you view things is the problem.
You've made having an orgasm a goal and anything less is considered a failure so the longer it takes to reach your goal the more frustration you feel and the more frustration you feel the harder it is to reach that goal. Frustration and arousal do not go well together. You've even decided that sex is pretty much a waste of time because you're not going to get much out of it except pain. If you've decided it is going to just be pain then odds are that you won't be sufficiently aroused and that lack of arousal will cause it to be painful. Essentially, Self-fulfilling prophecy.

My advice is instead of making an orgasm the end all and be all to instead focus on making yourself feel good. You'll feel less frustration which will increase the likelihood of an orgasm and even if you don't orgasm it can still be an enjoyable experience if you let it be. If what you are doing isn't working then switch things up. Basically, experiment until you figure out what you like and don't like. Also, masturbation is as much if not more mental than it is physical so I'd recommend focusing on a fantasy in your mind if you don't already or watch/listen to something that arouses you.
So, just try to enjoy yourself and good luck.

Posts: 58 | Registered: Feb 2006  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
nighteyesv: Thank you for your response to merchantfan. For future reference, though, this forum and the "emergencies and crises" forum are for staff and volunteer responses only.

merchantfan,

You know, even though you're dating more, there's no requirement for you to have sex if you aren't interested. Yes, it's part of the conventional social norms, but that never means that anyone needs to do what they don't want to do or aren't comfortable doing. When you say sex, I think you're talking about vaginal intercourse. Have you engaged in any other sexual activities on your dates?

In terms of masturbating, how about just masturbating for as long as it feels good, rather than trying to reach a goal that it sounds like is more struggle and annoyance for you than anything else?

Are there other things you enjoy doing that you find physically (not necessarily sexually) pleasurable? I'm thinking of things like bubble baths, exercise classes, eating food you enjoy, etc.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I am interested, but the problem is that the upper half and the lower half of me usually don't match up. So I'm interested in sex, but find touching below the belt only mildly pleasant and often a little painful. Which leads to an awkward situation with dating, since that pretty only leaves oral sex, handjobs, and watching the other person masturbate which I don't particularly get much out of except the feeling that I helped someone out.
I do like eating and usually make sure to work out (though I like the idea that I worked out more than the sensation- I don't usually feel anything but hungry after I work out), but the problem is that I do want to have an intimate relationship, but I only really benefit from making out or some light groping.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It might help to think of masturbation as potentially being more than genital, but even more to the point, about expressing your sexuality with your whole body, or ANY part of your body, not just the parts our cultures often assign "the sexual parts."

So, what about exploring masturbation as something that has to do with touching parts of your body you ENJOY touching and having touched? At least to start with?

I'd also disagree that we need to have sex with someone we like to "check a box." If any kind of sex isn't something you really want to be having, and it's not something you think you'll enjoy -- or know, for now, you probably won't -- I don't see a good reason to engage in sex, you know?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Can I also check in with you about all of this and your other post, where you're noticing that you're more attracted to women than men? Might this be at all related to some of this, do you think?)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Nah, that was a while ago and the sheet that explained how sexuality can vary over time helped. I'm pretty much 50/50 right now, but dating mostly guys because it's just a larger dating pool. But yeah, I can't really get anything going when I'm thinking about girls either. It always fizzles out.
Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, just figured I'd check.

How do you feel about adjusting your way of thinking about this to think about it as being whole-body, not just about genitals or as some kind of lead-up to intercourse?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I've read stuff on that, it's just hard to make the change mentally and it's easy to feel a little jealous when your partner can end the night with an orgasm and you can't. But other than that the only problem is figuring out the best way to explain it to people and what to do when guys get hard-ons-- I feel bad just leaving them hanging all of the time. I mean, should I just explain that intercourse is off the table?
Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can I ask what you feel jealous OF?

In other words, if you finished the sentence, "When my partner reaches orgasm they get...." how would it end?

I'd say that whether you could orgasm at a given time or not, engage in intercourse or not, that framing that as something you should do to not "leave someone hanging" who has an erection is a REALLY problematic way of thinking about sex with a partner.

Engaging in sex with someone isn't, ideally (I'd say) about "fixing" feelings or physical symptoms of arousal. Not only can most folks take care of those feelings or symptoms themselves, those are also feelings and symptoms that subside if we leave them. Sex with a partner isn't about first-aid for a boo-boo, after all. (And whoo boy, if we thought about it that way, you bet your bottom it'd be awfully hard to feel excited about it!)

If you don't want to engage in intercourse with someone, then absolutely: if you're getting sexually involved with them, you can make clear intercourse is off the table. Or, if and when it's something they ask for, you can just decline. After all, it's not something anyone is ever entitled to, just like any kind of sex, or sex, period, so it's not like it also isn't okay to just say, "No thanks," if and when it comes up if you prefer that, just like we'd say "No thanks," if someone offered us a condiment on our lunches we didn't want.

P.S. People with vulvas get hard-ons, too. [Smile] The idea that somehow it's something horrid for a guy to have one and not get off, or have the kind of sex he wants, but no big whoop for women is pretty unbalanced. Really, anyone can feel aroused and get erections and be just fine not having sex with someone or having the kind of sex they want. Life so totally goes on.

[ 10-09-2012, 05:22 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, yes, but most women don't get blue balls or as much discomfort when they have to let the arousal subside. At least I don't, I go from turned on to baseline in a matter of seconds nowadays. It didn't really come up with my female partners because I've only had a few and the majority of those weren't very interested in doing much physically. I think it's fair to explain to someone clearly if something is going to be a long term status... the problem is I'm not attracted to people who have very low sex drives, but most people with higher sex drives want to have some sort of intercourse eventually.
Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Actually, most men don't get serious discomfort from vasocongestion -- the medical term for "blue balls" which is, indeed, something people with all kinds of genitals can and do experience, and which happens no more often to men than to women -- either. In reality, when vasocongestion causes discomfort, it's usually momentary and mild, lasting no more than 20 minutes or so, goes away if someone masturbates or just chills out, and if they don't want to wait, a standard OTC pain reliever takes care of it, too.

There's no data to show that vascongestion is any more or less comfortable or uncomfortable for a given sex or gender. The idea it's something that only happens to guys, or hurts guys more is primarily due to guys actually talking about it and being the gender people talked about it happening to for a long time, that's all.

Like I said, no one, in any kind of relationship, is entitled to any kind of sex. But for sure, if someone you're getting involved with says that intercourse is something they want, or you get the idea that's an expectation they have, you can make clear it's not something you do for the time being. or, you can make that clear whenever you want just because you'd prefer to have it known. Up to you! [Smile]

I'd also mention that the diversity of sex drive is pretty amazing, and I'm not sure how from the moment you're attracted to someone, you'd know what their is. (You also express having had partners who weren't that interested in sex.) And factually, I don't know of anything to back up the idea that having a libido at a certain level has any correlation with what kind of kinds of sex someone wants. I've not seen any study that's even looked at that, nor would I say that what I know anecdotally, working with a lot of people, supports what you're suggesting, especially if we're not only talking about heterosexual people.

[ 10-09-2012, 05:43 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
What I mean by sex-drive is if how often and how fervently they attempt to do anything. If we're three dates in and we've only held hands and had a light peck on the mouth, I lose interest in them. When I say I've had partners who were less interested in sex, I mean I dated them once or twice or for a month or so before I stopped seeing them because of it.
Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Gotcha.

So, if I have you right, what you're saying is that you prefer to only continue a dating relationship with people who initiate some kind of sexual or physical contact very early on in the relationship, and you have found that for you, so far, that these people have also wanted kinds of sex with you you don't have an interest in?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yeah, pretty much. The problem is that I do feel sexual attraction, but only really mentally and maybe with some increased heartbeat etc. So I tend to attract people interested in sex, but am unable to actually enjoy sex.
Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Let me check in with you on something then, and I'm sorry if this is reruns.

I felt like you were saying there are some kinds of sex you enjoy or want to explore, but other kinds where it's not so much as of yet.

Do I have that wrong? Are you saying that you aren't finding any pleasure or enjoyment at all in any kind of sex with yourself or with anyone else so far? If so, are wet talking physically, emotionally, or both?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, I only really get any particular pleasure out of making out along with some light boob cupping and I like cuddling. I don't know if any of that that really qualifies as *sex* per say. Dry humping doesn't do anything for me. I've kind of done a handjob, but it was more... OK than something fun.
The emotional part is nice, but right now physical things just keep reaching this awkward point where my partner isn't satisfied and I'm OK. I feel like you should be aware of your partner's needs and do something for them, but the problem is that I don't really have an activity that's equivalent to sex for me.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The way that we define sex -- and that most people who work in sexuality tend to define it this way, more or less -- is as whatever someone does to express and explore sexual feelings they're having.

Defining sex as only something people do with their genitals or breasts, or only as intercourse, is more of how the general population will tend to define it than those of us who work in the field, even though the general population usually doesn't limit their sexual expression to those things.

It sounds to me like what you might need to figure out is how to choose a partner who you're more compatible with. In other words, how to have the patience -- it sounds like maybe a patience issue? -- to explore dating someone who wants more of what you want, and more of the pace you do, rather than someone who wants things you don't, or enjoys things you don't.

I'm wondering if you have any insight on why it is you lose interest in folks who sound like they're a lot more your speed (especially so you don't feel this obligation you keep expressing, which tends to make just about anyone feel pretty uninterested in and unexcited about sex)? You might not, but I figured I'd ask.

[ 10-09-2012, 06:05 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's just how my attraction seems to work. I can't get interested in low drive people as more than friends and I tend to treat them as friends. The main problem is that I am not very good at attracting people to begin with, so I have a fairly limited dating pool of both genders as my starting point. I could maybe eventually find someone with the exact right mix of mind and body who is actually attracted to me, but there's a good chance I could be 80-years-old by that point.
My thought process behind things probably makes me seem less engaged than I actually am. I'm on the autism spectrum, so I tend to go for concrete motivations and descriptions instead of emotional or romanticized descriptions. I pretty much approach everything including the things I like as a collection of tasks that need to be completed.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I know it's really easy to feel like we might be looking a lifetime for sexual partners that are a good fit for us, especially when we're younger, but most of the time? No one is waiting that long. Including people with sexualities or relationship wants that are fairly outside-the-box, as it were. [Smile]

So, one thing I'd advise is perhaps trying a bit harder to perhaps give folks who want things to move a bit more slowly a bit more time: to focus more energy on finding partners that fit than to trying to, or thinking about, going with something different than what you want with people who aren't, from the sounds of things, very compatible with you in some ways. Especially if you do want relationships that are more than short-term, because, of course, in time enough, that incompatibility will probably mean the end of something no matter what. Know what I mean?

I also wonder if maybe it might help to think of where you're at as someone who sounds like you want someone who is passionate and physical, but who does not want, not now, anyway, the kinds of sex you don't, or don't yet enjoy or find exciting to think about. That actually doesn't seem like such a tall order to me, knowing what I know about people's sexual diversity. And that still leaves you room to date people who ARE passionate and physical right off the bat if that's what cranks your engine.

Of course, another option is just to take a break from dating for a while. It might also be that you're just not really at some of this yet, and are trying to move things along more quickly than your own pace. Like, before you've really been able to find the ways YOU enjoy your own body sexually before taking it on the road with partners.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also, just realized we have a piece that might speak to you in some ways, or be of help: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/space_exploration_what_sexual_people_can_learn_from_asexual_communities

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd also add -- hope I'm not overwhelming, here -- that you're probably going to have to find a way to think of sexuality and sexual relationships as something other than a collection of tasks to be completed if you're going to have a satisfying sexual life with partners (especially partners who don't frame or think of sex that way).

I know it perhaps sounds like I'm suggesting you need to think or process in a way that you don't, but I'm thinking more about some tweaks and adjustments to create more of a middle ground for yourself here, rather than you trying to be or think like someone you're not.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
The thing is, there really isn't anyway for me to satisfy myself sexually unless I kiss a pillow or something. All of the experiences I find pleasant in that realm require another person to be doing something. Otherwise, I get the sensation of being really horny without any way to satisfy it and I get incredibly frustrated. And I get lonely when I'm not dating.
Maybe I can eventually find someone who's fine with being able to not have that element with me or someone who's able to go outside of the relationship to fulfill that need.
I am pretty good at not expressing my thought process to other people since it generally upsets them as it seems to be upsetting you a little. But when I have to explain something very specific about myself, it gets harder to express it "properly" without obscuring my point.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, we can get companionship without being in a dating or sexual relationship: friends and family can supply that for us, and we for them. So, with the loneliness issue, that's not something that requires dating or a sexual relationship.

I agree: an open relationship with someone who wants kinds of sex you don't is certainly one option for you. At the same time, I also do think it's really important for any of us who want to have healthy sexual relationships with others and ourselves to find ways to meet our own needs, whether we have partners or not. And it really does sound like the way you've been going about masturbation so far is a way that doesn't really speak to your sexuality as it is so far, so before closing that door, I'd again encourage you to really take some time thinking about this and exploring masturbation in a way that might suit you better. For example, you talk about breast play being something you like, and that's certainly something you can do yourself. And if engaging your mouth is something you also enjoy, you might find that if you think creatively, you come up with better ideas than pillow-kissing (which I agree, sounds pretty unsatisfying). For instance, maybe there's a way to incorporate sexual feelings and engaging your mouth into how you eat sometimes?

You might also find, again, that finding someone to passionately kiss as a way to sexually express yourself -- and not much more than that -- is a lot easier to attain when you hold on a little longer to the folks that aren't looking for, asking for, or, literally, grabbing for more so soon. Just like you, from the sounds of things, there are plenty of people who need a slower pace, but worry that if they initiate something like passionate kissing right away, the other person will have an expectation for more. So, maybe next time you are interested enough in someone to go out with them, YOU make the first move with kissing, see how they respond, and maybe on date two or three, if they've taken a turn by then, but not moved to more, you can put out there what you want and see if it's what they want?

I'm not upset with you or your thought process, just trying to make sure I understand you and am helping as well as I can, like I do with any of our users. And in the places where I was critical of things you were saying, that was only me correcting misinformation about sexuality, or questioning what seemed like pretty broad assumptions you were making about people and sexuality, which is a big part of my gig here. [Smile]

[ 10-09-2012, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, I still get lonely despite having friends and family. It's not the same kind of relationship. I don't think eating is sexual at all for me. I just enjoy eating as much as most people do. Generally, the only times I get close to a sensation that might barely come close to feeling as good as sex is when I manage to turn my mind off completely by focusing on something mindless for a while or thinking about things where I am not at all involved. This does not translate well into a relationship because the interaction with the other person would distract me. It's also not very productive since it usually takes long stretches of time to do so (if I'm not careful I can go for eight hours straight completely zoned out and doing nothing), doing it too much increases my depression, and I usually don't feel good for very long once I'm thinking again.
I do usually take some initiative if I'm getting impatient, but I've never actually had the other person respond passionately and then not eventually expect more. Generally, their response is either very tepid to the point that we could just be friends anyway based on what we do together or they eventually want more. Or both, sometimes. I am kind of seeing someone now, but I need to figure out the easiest way to explain to him that I don't really want to do that much past what we're doing now and I'll be really disappointed if that's a dealbreaker for him since I like him.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
quote:
enerally, the only times I get close to a sensation that might barely come close to feeling as good as sex is when I manage to turn my mind off completely by focusing on something mindless for a while or thinking about things where I am not at all involved. This does not translate well into a relationship because the interaction with the other person would distract me. It's also not very productive since it usually takes long stretches of time to do so (if I'm not careful I can go for eight hours straight completely zoned out and doing nothing), doing it too much increases my depression, and I usually don't feel good for very long once I'm thinking again.
So, can I ask if, this given, you think that besides wanting your own needs to be fulfilled per not feeling sexually frustrated, a relationship with someone else like this is even sound?

In other words, if you can't really get into even the kind of sensation you're looking for to feel satisfied with someone else if someone else is around, because they distract you from basically kind of tuning out, how is it even workable for someone else who would both want you to be fully present AND where you're enjoying yourself?

(If none of that makes sense, I might be missing or misunderstanding something here, which is entirely possible.)

Also, when we're talking about how things have gone with you and another person, per your second paragraph, can I ask how many people we're talking about here? In other words, what's the sample size you're working with?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Like 10 people I think? Not very large, but it's pretty hard for me to get a date to begin with.
The turning-off sensation and sex are pretty different except for in that I suppose my affection for the one is similar to how someone with a typical sex drive feels about sex. But I can usually satisfy that need with some quiet alone time and daydreaming during the week and with a quieter day on the weekend. I don't think that it would be a problem for someone else who works and has other interests.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm not sure what a typical sex drive is: again, I think we're butting up against your idea that there are some universals here that are probably less common or universal than you think.

I'm afraid I'm also feeling a little bit lost by your answer to that question, but I'm not sure how to ask you to clarify, save that I heard you say that in order for you to experience the kind of enjoyment from sex you want, you'd have to tune the other person out, as you feel they would be distracting.

So, when you talk about what you do when they're not there, and I was asking about that issue when they are, that's why I feel confused.

[ 10-09-2012, 07:28 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
(Btw, I'm heading out for the day soon, and need to finish up some other work first, so I'm happy to continue our conversation, but will have to pick it up again tomorrow.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm pretty sure the majority of people have some sort of urge to do stuff with their genitals. I don't think so many people would get pregnant if they didn't.
I was only answering your question if the zoning-out thing might be a barrier to being in a relationship. I don't think it's really feasible for me to be "fully present" while I'm doing any actual activity. I have had a motor disorder since birth- I have to remain conscience of how I am moving my body or I lose control of it and usually just hurt myself accidentally or occasionally just stop being able to coordinate it at all. I don't think it's really possible for me to solely be thinking about my current actions and I don't think, based on my previous experience, that it's really a barrier to social interaction. I don't go after people who value being wholly involved at any given moment, so it doesn't really come up. Where I find my abilities to be lacking, I try to be helpful or remember facts people tell me to show my affection for them.
But I don't really think that's my problem. I even wonder if there's a physical problem, because I used to have greater sensation before my freshman or sophomore year of high school and then it just dulled and became much rarer and fleeting.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
HI merchantfan,

Yes, it's true, a lot of people do get pregnant, some intentionally and some not.

I don't think that's always due to a desire to do something with their genitals though. There are other things, such as the desire to be touched (in any way), the desire to feel loved, the desire to fit in, and many more--that are at play.

So, while our culture screams that everyone likes genital contact (just think about sex scenes in movies and books, and advice articles in popular magazines), people's actual experiences with and desires for genital contact vary greatly. It's often that the people who are less interested in masturbation or in genitally-based sex aren't terribly vocal, as they're afraid of not being seen as normal.

In other words, we have a cultural view of sex, then we have what people's experience with it really is.

IN relation to masturbation, do you think that, given your motor disorder, you're focussed so intently on keeping your body under control that it's difficult to relax? You mention the possibility of a loss of sensation. Is this something you might expect would happen with your disorder? Do you have a doctor you would feel comfortable talking to about this?

As Heather mentioned above, masturbation is more than just interacting with one's own genitals, and sex with a partner is the same. IN other words, there are all sorts of different ways that interacting romantically or sexually with a partner can look like.

I think that you're saying that you haven't found that your motor disorder interferes with your social interaction. Can you say more about that?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I haven't found that my *autistic reasoning patterns* interfere with my social life. My motor disorder general just makes me unable to play sports or instruments. But yeah, even with a vibrator, there's a lot of coordination involved in masturbation that does make it difficult.

I totally accept that people can be asexual and happy with extremely limited or no sexual contact, but I think the main problem for me is that my mind and body do not agree here. It got worse about five years ago, so it might be a hormonal problem of some sort. Unfortunately, my gynecologist appointment isn't for another month. So I will have to have a talk with the person I am currently dating before then.

Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Maybe let's try and pull this back a bit to see where we're at now, okay?

Can you, at this point, check in with us and let us know what your questions for us are, and how you'd like us to help?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
merchantfan
Neophyte
Member # 43981

Icon 1 posted      Profile for merchantfan     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I suppose the only thing I'd need now (until I can finally see a doctor and see what comes of that) would be a good way to explain the whole thing to anyone I might date. Something like "I like you, but right now that area of my body just doesn't respond to anything, so I won't be able to do anything involving it until I figure this out. It's not your fault, it just won't respond to anything."
Posts: 22 | From: Philadelphia Suburbs | Registered: Sep 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
georgiexx
Activist
Member # 51769

Icon 1 posted      Profile for georgiexx     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
i know im not supposed to post here, and im really really sorry for doing it but im just so glad someone else feels exactly the way i do. i have that exact same question, how to tell them, my body/genitals will not respond to anything no matter how i feel in my head! without them being totally put off.
yeah, just thought id say you're not alone. and its the most frustrating thing ever. and makes me quite sad.

sorry again for posting here!

Posts: 176 | From: UK | Registered: Jan 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
  This topic comprises 2 pages: 1  2   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen