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Author Topic: Orgasm or No?
Catamount
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So I have read a lot about orgasms and know what they consist of and what the technicalities are. When my boyfriend and I have sex I have some sort of experience, but I don't know if it is an orgasm or not. During this experience some muscles do clench, my heart rate increases etc. but not to any extent. It feels great, but I just don't think it is orgasmic. It's not that I have high expectations or anything, but I am starting to think that there may be something physically wrong with me. These experiences are usually during intercourse. I know that to start, a majority of orgasms happen during masturbation, oral, or manual stimulation. We have tried all this but I am very sensitive in the clitoris region and any touch more than a minute or two brings pain and soreness. With all these factors, I wonder if I don't have some sort of deficiency. If these are orgasm, why are they not intense? Are there physical problems that could explain this? I don't have the money to go to the doctor but even if I did I would not know who to ask and what to say.
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Heather
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Maybe let's first start with your masturbation?

How does that go for you? Do you feel like you may be experiencing orgasm then?

Too, sounds like maybe we should talk about intensity. You ask why what you're feeling isn't "more intense," which makes me ask, "More intense than what?"

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Catamount
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Masturbation never brings me there either. I can get to that experience I discusses earlier, though (which may be an orgasm... I don't really know) During though, I am experiencing the same 'soreness' after only a short while.

And I guess what I meant by 'intense' was the 'mind-blowing' experience you are 'supposed' to have. Now, I know that nobody is the same, that's why I put everything in quotations... but I still have no better way to describe it otherwise.

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Heather
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From everything I know as a sexuality educator and a person with a body, the experience of orgasm has a wide range, even for one person. In other words, a given person who is orgasmic will most often experience orgasms that are mild, orgasms that are moderate, and orgasms that are, as you say, "mind-blowing." But that will vary a lot from day to day, life phase to life phase. catch my drift?

We also know that when we're younger, and first exploring sexual expression, while emotionally things can feel very high key, we won't often tend to be our most orgasmic, or have a lot of the super-biggies, especially if we're not coming from a basis of having a good deal of experience with masturbation first, and first having orgasm there.

With your masturbation, can I ask if you're actually really warming up with things before even touching your genitals? Like, getting excited in your head, then exploring other parts of your body first? Then, when you do go to explore your genitals, are you being gradual, or doing something like going right for direct stimulation of your external clitoris?

Also, with masturbation or any kind of sex with your boyfriend, would you say you are often very, very turned on before and during any kind of sex? Not a little, not even somewhat, but very?

[ 09-24-2012, 04:04 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Catamount
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I understand what you are saying!

With maturation, you might say that I'm not necessarily excited before, which might have a lot to do with the outcome. I am sort of going right into it.

There are times that I am very, very turned on before we start. This is not a constant thing though for many reasons (mainly because he has a roomate... so we are on time constraint) Do you think that this is the cause of 'less-intense' orgasms?

When you put it all out there like this, It makes a lot of sense [Smile] One thing that still confuses me is that most of the times these 'experiences'(orgasms or not) ARE during intercourse and they are constant (as in pretty much every time) This is what makes me think they may not be orgasms, as I know it is hard to orgasm during intercourse. I might be looking too much into it, and I'm sorry if I am! I really appreciate your help.

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Heather
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I'd call it less maturation and more time to get to know your own body and sexuality and become more familiar and comfortable with both. Improved body image also seems to be a factor particularly with women and this.

So, here's the scoop: orgasm, when it happens, is a culmination of sexual response. The vast mahjority of the time, if we don't feel super-excited throughout sex, we're not going to have a super-orgasm. For sure, sometimes that isn't what happens, and sometimes even when we are super excited, we won't orgasm or, if we do, it won't be a biggie.

But on the whole, if you're not very turned on before AND during, you have to know that an orgasm at all, let alone a whopper of one? Not at all likely.

In terms of orgasm and intercourse for people with vulvas, it's not that it's hard to orgasm during intercourse, but that for most people, orgasm from ONLY intercourse is unlikely or rare.

One of the biggies of knowing if and when we reached orgasm is often less the experience itself, and how we feel afterward. have you experienced any kind of feeling of physical release or relaxation following a peak of physical intensity or what feels like some kind of build? If you have, then you might have experienced orgasm. If you haven't, then you probably have not.

but with questions like these, I think the bigger issue is why it's mattering to you. That isn't to say orgasm doesn't matter, or is no big deal: people tend to enjoy orgasm, on the whole, after all, and like having them. But when the idea we might not be having them is a biggie, it often is because we feel like we're missing something in our sexuality or sexual experiences, and often that something are things orgasm doesn't deliver, or which can be found orgasm or not.

So, want to talk about why you're concerned about this?

[ 09-24-2012, 04:42 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Catamount
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Well it's not necessarily that I feel I am missing out, because I do enjoy sex with or without it. My partner does feel discouraged that I haven't (or have, but not a biggie). I do feel some sense of release, so it might be that it is, in fact, an orgasm. I feel bad that my partner is discouraged because he isn't doing anything wrong. I am the one to feel discomfort (when talking about manual stimulation) after a short while-- and it's not that he being to hard, because he is not.

So, I guess I was really worried that there might be something physically wrong. Should I feel pain during any kind of manual stimulation, even if he isn't being 'rough'? Is this sensitivity some how connected to my 'lackluster' orgasms?

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Heather
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Perhaps, then, what your partner is seeking is affirmation you're enjoying the sex you two are having? A lot of people think of orgasm as "proof" of enjoyment (even though plenty of times it isn't), so feeling bad about a partner not reaching orgasm is often about feeling like they aren't enjoying themselves.

Are you having pain with some kinds of sex, despite you or a partner being gentle, using lube as needed, you being turned on before you even get started, etc? If so, that may or may not be related to lack of orgasm, but if it's happening regularly, I'd see a sexual healthcare provider about it, period.

[ 09-24-2012, 05:38 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Catamount
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I will observe in the future but if it continues to happen, I will seek a healthcare provider. Thank you so much for your help, it was very much appreciated!!!
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Heather
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Do you need help finding a sexual healthcare provider? In your first post, it sounds like you didn't even know where to start, and pain or no pain, if you're sexually active, it's time for annual exams and pap smears regardless.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Catamount
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I have had exams and a pap smear at the local Health Department. Can I talk to the person who administers my birth control to me about these things?

I know this sounds like a silly question, but I didn't know if these nurses at the health department were trained in that area.

Is there a way I could ask it without it sounding so... awkward?

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Heather
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I don't know what's awkward for you about talking about pain during sex or masturbation, so I'm not sure what to tell you.

But for sure, while they might not be able to treat or talk about all pain conditions, should you have one, your public health department can certainly be a good door to start with to just have your pain looked into.

Again, I'd first make sure you're pretty certain it's not about anything you're doing, like not using lube, being too rough, or engaging in sex when you aren't really excited. That's just to save you a trip where they tell you what I did already.

But if you're sure you've got all that already covered, then sure, they're as good a place to start as any.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Catamount
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Okay! Thanks again! I really appreciate what you're doing on this website.
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