A little background on myself so my question will make the most sense: i'm twenty-one, and in a relationship that is generally new, about three months. Came out of a three year relationship at the end of may and shortly after started dating my current boyfriend.
i'm just writing in because i have a couple of questions about what i'll refer to as kinky sex. When I was in a relationship of three years, the sex wasn't very good. as in it didn't feel that great for me and i never came. that boyfriend, we'll call him N, was a decent guy, and we had a decent relationship. Nothing really interesting about it, nothing strange, just the odd fight here and there. Very much a high school type relationship though, started dating at 18 and ended at 21.
now, with my current boyfriend who i have only been dating a few months things have been very differently, sexually at least. he is a nice enough guy from what i can tell and treats me with respect as well. the difference is that we have this amazing, kinky sex. but i am also quite conflicted by it. in my past relationship i was quite shy and not in tune with my sexuality. now, my boyfriend and i engage in light to moderate BDSM and there is a lot of domination on his part. the thing that kind of alarms me is how much i like it after coming from a very vanilla relationship, and life to be honest with you.
i guess what i'm asking you, is if this is all normal. i like it, and i still feel respected and wanted and loved. it's just that it gets rough as heck, and there is a lot of dirty talk that sometimes can involve him talking down to me...and at first i was really appalled by it but now all i want for him is to talk to me like that. he would casually bring up different sexual fantasies and let me decide if i was into whichever one, and we would do that. at one point he brought up a rape fantasy and i was completely appalled by it, but now we play out this fantasy regularly. im just worried that this type of fantasy and BDSM bedroom stuff is going to make me into some kind of sexual deviant? All this stuff coming from me is so surprising, even writing it is weird. let me know what you think about this. thanks
Posts: 20 | From: Toronto, Canada | Registered: Nov 2007
| IP: Logged |
First things first: do you talk about this stuff thoroughly beforehand? Negotiate boundaries and safe words? Only engage in activites you both feel comfortable with, and stay in communication throughout to make sure everyone continues to feel comfortable?
If your answers to all of those questions are yes, then it sounds like what you are engaging in is perfectly healthy and fine.
And with sex, really, as long as everyone involved feels happy and healthy, then it's all good.
It's really perfectly natural for people to grow into their sexuality gradually, and to discover new likes and interests over time. So, the fact that you had a more vanilla relationship previously doesn't mean that there is anything "wrong" with you now for being into something different. A lot of factors go into these developments: we change and grow, we make new experiences, and we also have a different and unique chemistry with each partner we are with.
So, bottom line: if you feel okay with this, it's okay!
-------------------- Johanna Scarleteen Volunteer
"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005
| IP: Logged |
Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998
Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.