Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Coercion

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Coercion
Roxie102
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Roxie102     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
This may be vague, but is coercion in a sexual relationship always a hard and fast sign to get out of the relationship? For instance, if there's no physical abuse and it's simply just one partner not always respecting a "no," can that just be another thing to accept about a partner? Like, you know your partner has a problem with respecting boundaries and you accept that and work with him or her. As long as the relationship isn't dangerous, is that okay?
Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Can we maybe try not being so vague?

I ask because I don't think we can soundly answer something like this without some context. I mean, what someone isn't respecting a no to, what they are or are not doing to work on that, etc. really matters here.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Roxie102
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Roxie102     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
For example, saying no to swallowing semen and then the other partner repeatedly asking until she gives in.
Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, I'd say that's a clear sign of unhealthy sexual behavior.

Wearing someone down to do what you want them to sexually? That's not okay, and it's not emotionally healthy. And certainly, that's not something I'd say is healthy to accept, because what you'd be accepting is that someone won't allow you to have sexual limits and boundaries and that IS dangerous.

Not only that, I'd also say that with a dynamic like that going on, chances are awfully good that the rest of the relationship or how that person thinks of the person they won't allow boundaries isn't magically awesome, either. [Frown] We simply don't treat someone like that we have real regard and respect for.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Roxie102
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Roxie102     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
That all makes sense, but what if he's apologetic after the fact?
Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If someone keeps doing that, saying they're sorry is pretty empty.

I mean, if we're really sorry about doing something, we're going to make every effort not to do it again. What we're not going to do if we're earnestly sorry is keep doing it and just keep saying sorry. When that happens, it's not usually about being apologetic, it's about finding out that if saying sorry mollifies the other person, you can keep on doing what you want so long as you just say sorry later.

Saying sorry after coercing someone into doing something sexual, and having that be a pattern? Violation + apology = honeymoon period until next violation, etc. is pretty much the most core way that patterns of all kinds of abuse work. If anything doing this, saying sorry, but continuing to do it again and again is more of a red flag, not less.

And if the person who keeps having their boundaries violated like this has bought into the idea that sorry magically makes it all better, that often tells us they're already in something unhealthy or abusive.

Is this something going on with you, Roxie?

[ 09-04-2012, 03:49 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Roxie102
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Roxie102     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
No, it's not me. One of my friends is in an on-again, off-again relationship. They fight a lot, but keep coming back to each other. She tells me about some of their sexual encounters but whenever I express concern, she always just tells me that it's okay and that I don't understand. I don't think she realizes he's not a safe person to keep going back to.
Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So, sounds pretty obvious that for sure, what's going on with them sexually with this is not something strange in their relationship, but in alignment with the relationship as a whole.

Fighting a lot, breaking up then getting back together, sexual coercion: even those three things alone paint a picture of a dysfunctional, unhappy relationship, not a happy, healthy one. [Frown]

Unfortunately, "you don't understand," is something we'll commonly hear from people stuck in bad relationships, and in abuse. The thought is, if only we got how they felt, we'd get it. But of course, even if we do get it, and even if there are strong feelings, that doesn't make something unhealthy healthy.

Where are you at with this? Do you feel like saying anything beyond what you already have said will have any impact?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Roxie102
Peer Ambassador
Member # 72015

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Roxie102     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, the last time I talked to her, about a week ago, she said she was getting pretty fed up with him, but I think she still buys into his promises to change. If she brings up something like this again, I'll definitely tell her that the relationship really isn't a good one to be in and to really consider getting out. I wish I could help her more, but we're several hours apart.
Posts: 255 | Registered: Jul 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand, and it sounds like you've been a really good friend already, even with the distance.

Maybe next time you talk, see if she might want to talk about delivery on those promises?

In other words, if this guy is really going to change, when? What are his clear plans to work on this? For example, if he can't take a sexual no for an answer, he needs some education, coaching or counseling to change that: when and where is he going to start with that? What real commitments has he made? Just like saying sorry is a lot easier than really being sorry in action, saying you're going to change things is easy, and takes nothing but a breath. ACTUALLY creating change is hard and takes real effort.

And if she's maybe up to looking even a little deeper, maybe see if you can't talk about how someone never holding their limits enables another person not to respect them? In other words, in order for him to change, they'd actually both have to change, not just him. She'd have to draw and hold firm lines, no keep caving or accept sorry for repeated behavior. Does she feel able to really do that? because if not, even if -- and prolly this is a giant if -- he worked on changing, if she couldn't do at least that, that change? It wouldn't be able to happen to stick around.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen