Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Not exactly your usual sexuality uncertainty.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Not exactly your usual sexuality uncertainty.
tophattt
Neophyte
Member # 96922

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tophattt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So the other day I broke up with my "girlfriend" and at the same time found out that "she" is transgender. We are still really good friends but this made me wonder about my sexuality. Were we just good friends all along or was I attracted to her subconsciously because my subconscious already knew she was trans or anything along those lines as when I look back it's pretty obvious. J just want some opinions on this to aid me to decide or even decide not to decide.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
HI tophattt and welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm not really sure what you're asking here. Could you give a little more detail?

What I can say is that a lot of us are attracted to people as people, and even when we're attracted to a specific gender, we base our specific attractions to people on the gender we see them as, not what their bodies might tell us. For example, if a straight man sees a woman on a bus and finds her attractive, he's attracted to her as a woman no matter what, even if she has a body he wouldn't expect to find on a woman.

So, there's a thought to get you started, but I'm really just guessing at what you're asking. it would help to talk about this if we knew a little more about your own situation. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tophattt
Neophyte
Member # 96922

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tophattt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well to begin with I suppose I should add that I'm 16 and she is a 15 year old girl who feels more like she should have been horn a boy. I know I liked her for her personality more then her looks but I am not sure if we were just friends all along or if I actually liked her. We never went far with the relationship as I am often not around at the weekend. I definitely felt that I liked even loved her but before I asked her out my family members sometimes joked about me liking her so that may have driven the thought into my mind. So I suppose what I'm asking is did I really like her and if so is it likely that I'm bisexual or that one where I don't care about gender.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tophattt
Neophyte
Member # 96922

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tophattt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also I might add that I am already close friends with a lesbian and a bisexual.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tophattt
Neophyte
Member # 96922

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tophattt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Also I might add that I am already close friends with a lesbian and a bisexual. Sorry I posted this twice by accident but can't delete it.

[ 09-02-2012, 05:23 AM: Message edited by: tophattt ]

Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, it is just generally really difficult and probably a bit unwise to let our feelings towards one person define our sexual orientation. Personally, I think that definint ourselves by the gender or sex of the people we happen to be attracted to is a bit silly to begin with, but if we are going to work within that system, it's a smart thing to accept that sexuality is rarely clear-cut and stable.

So, where you attracted to this friend because she* was assigned female at birth? Were you attracted to her because she identifies as male? Were you attracted to her because of her awesome personality? We can't tell you, and it would probably be pretty difficult for you to pin it down to just one thing, too.

And that's okay. Because people are super diverse and we respond to different things in different people and we can't always say what attracts us to them, and the basis of our attraction doesn't always say anything profound about us.

Basically, what I am trying to say is: there is probably not very much of a point to trying to dissect what your attraction to your friend does or does not say about your sexuality.

(*I am using female pronouns because you did in your post, so I am assuming that this friend has not asked you to use male or neutral pronouns.)

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tophattt
Neophyte
Member # 96922

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tophattt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Thank you. I've decided I'm nothing, everything, whatever I want, whenever I want and however I want. I am free, I am human.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Love that!

I'd also add that really, orientation is about gender.

I know some people say it's about sex, but "biological" sex -- determined by chromosomes -- isn't something anyone can see without a microscope (something most of us don't usually bring along on dates: no offense to the hardcore science geeks who actually might). And even if we go with sex as what someone was assigned at birth based on their genitals, we're generally going to feel attraction to people way before we have any idea of what's in their pants, you know? And it's not like our subconscious has x-ray eyes or anything: our subconscious can't know that any more than our conscious minds can: the subconscious isn't about being psychic, after all.

I'd also add in that what someone's gender is is what someone says and feels it is. This person identifies as a woman, as I understand, so you were attracted to someone who is a woman.

Obviously, what any of that means to you and how you experience your identity or orientation is just like Joey said: only you can figure out what it means to you, and it seems like you have, with what I'd say is a pretty awesome takeaway. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
tophattt
Neophyte
Member # 96922

Icon 1 posted      Profile for tophattt     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
First of all thank you. Secondly she is female by birth but she would rather be male. Not the other way round.
Posts: 6 | Registered: Sep 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Sorry: you said she, so I assumed that was how she identified her gender.

So, we're talking about a he here, assuming that's how he identifies.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen