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Author Topic: Why am I scared to touch him?
IsidoleLandower
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Member # 95422

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I grew up in a very, very conservative background, where sex wasn't even mentioned because it was a sin to say the word.

I'm 19, still a virgin and I moved out 7 months ago in an apartment by myself, have a job, and have been with guys on and off, not really dating, just hanging out and making out.

I'm cool with making out and stuff, and for some reason I'm cool with clothed sex, (also known as dry-humping I guess..) but for some reason, any time a guy tries to touch me, or wants me to touch him, I freak out and panic. I don't know what it is.

I get really frustrated with myself over this, and I can't really figure out why I do this. Help?!

The guy I'm currently with (which I think this'll turn into a relationship) always wants me to give him a handjob while we're making out, and I did last time, it was just awkward because I didn't know what I was doing... like, at all. I asked him to show me how and he chuckled and said to do what comes natural and it was up to me...wtf. It doesn't come natural!

I just basically don't understand why I'm comfortable with clothed sex and making but I can't touch penis's or let guys touch my vagina. It makes no sense to me. Also, tips on how to give a handjob would be amazing, because I don't know what the heck I'm doing. Is this one of those things where you just have to force yourself to do it until you're eventually comfortable with it? [Confused]

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Kachina
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Hi IsidoleLandower. I want to state upfront that this is not something you should force yourself to do. That is very unlikely to result in you being comfortable with it, it would probably have the opposite effect.

How long have you been sexual with partners? It can take time to go from nothing (especially not even talking about it) to feeling fully comfortable, and you might just not be ready yet for going further than you are.

Have you checked out this page, yet?
Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist

[ 07-29-2012, 02:54 AM: Message edited by: Kachina ]

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~Kat
Scarleteen Volunteer

Humans are allergic to change. They love to say, "We've always done it this way." I try to fight that. That's why I have a clock on my wall that runs counter-clockwise. - Grace Hopper

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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In addition to what Kat says, I also wonder whether your current partner is someone you feel comfortable being sexual with? It doesn't sound like he was very supportive when you voiced discomfort, so I just want to check in to make sure that this is a safe partner for you to be with. Do you two usually communicate well? Do you feel safe and comfortable with him? Not feeling totally comfortable and safe could also cause the fear and anxiety you describe.

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-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
IsidoleLandower
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Member # 95422

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Kachina- I've been with sexual partners less than 2 years, to be honest. Is there a way I can help myself along the way TO become comfortable and ready?

September- I mean, that's probably something to do with it as well, we haven't been 'together' long. I've known this guy since I was like 10 years old, he was a friend of my older brother's, and only now have we started liking each other.
When I apologized to him he said I didn't have to apologize for anything, and that he was sorry, and I didn't need to explain anything, but I did explain cause I wanted to. I always blame it on my background being so reserved. I think that's one of the reasons why he likes me is because I'm sort of "innocent".

And I'm also pretty bad about vocal communication in general, I just don't know how to without being awkward about it. WHY is this so difficult? Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up and give up on any kind of relationship possibilities because of my insecurities sexually.

But as far as touching people, even when I was with my last partner (I've never been so comfortable with anyone in my life) I still couldn't do it. I think the fact that I don't know how is making me uncomfortable as well, because I'm afraid of looking super innocent and ignorant. People call me innocent all the time and it makes me mad.

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September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

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I am sorry to hear that you have been put down for being "innocent". That's very crappy, especially as there is absolutely nothing wrong with being inexperienced - we all start out that way, after all. So please try not to let that get to you so much. Just remember, every single person who has called you that? Was just as inexperienced and awkward at some point.

It also sounds like you may be putting some pressure on yourself to do things you're not ready for, in an effort to appear less "innocent". Do you think that may be true? If so, that could be a reason why things are not feeling too great for you.

Have you read the link Kat provided for you? That article should help you figure out how ready you are.

And it is perfectly okay if you're not ready yet. This is not a race, after all, and you have nothing to prove.

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-joey
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9010 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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