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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Morality, Readiness, & Lust

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Author Topic: Morality, Readiness, & Lust
Kansas29498
Neophyte
Member # 96322

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So, I am 18 and female. I've always been conservative and sexually exclusive. I've only ever kissed two guys in my whole life. Out of those two, I was only ever physical in terms of making out and letting him touch me and vice versa with one. My goal is to stay a virgin (no vaginal intercourse) until marriage. However, when it comes to other things, I really want to experience those before marriage. All I think about recently is sexual gratification. Masturbation isn't enough, and so I've started to try figure out a way to fix my state of mind. I'm known as the "naive and innocent" one, and feel like what I'm feeling is against everything everyone thinks about me. I made plans to meet up with a friend of a friend, and for him to "teach me a few things." He's a decent guy, but he's much more experienced then I am. He knows it's not vaginal intercourse, but I'm ridiculously nervous. I want to feel sexually satisfied without it being immoral or super dangerous. What would be the best way to go about this? Is oral sex dangerous? How big of a risk is being physical with this guy to my health, future, and someday husband? I have made sure I'm ready physically, intellectually, and emotionally... I just don't want to make a mistake and ruin the rest of my life. [Confused]
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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Kansas29498 and welcome to Scarleteen!

I hear you saying that you want to strike that balance between learning about your sexuality, feeling sexually satisfied, and honouring your own beliefs about sex.

You ask if what you have planned is dangerous. Can you elaborate on that a little more? We can talk about safety in terms of STI (sexually transmitted infection) transmission, but there's also emotional safety--how safe you feel with the person who has agreed to engage in sexual activities with you, negotiating consent, how to deal with any feelings and thoughts that come up afterwards.

Can you say what you mean by wanting to make sure this doesn't ruin the rest of your life?

I know these are more questions than answers for you, but I think having a back and forth discussion will help you clarify things for yourself. How does that sound?

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Kansas29498
Neophyte
Member # 96322

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Thanks for responding Robin!

I guess, when I use the terms dangerous I mean in terms of STI's. I never really went through a sex ed course that taught anything other then abstinence. So, in a way I have this idea in the back of my head that all sex is bad. However, I'm starting to realize that this isn't true. It's just like you said, I'm trying to learn about my sexuality. The problem is I don't know how far I can go until the risk of STI's is a serious dilemma.

When it comes to emotional safety, I worry about self worth. It goes against everything I was taught for a female to want to engage in anything sexual. So, I worry that if I start to learn about my sexuality, it will make me less desirable. I still have this nagging feeling that what I'm doing is unladylike, and might affect the way future men will see me. At the same time, I feel like that idea is sort of outdated, and that I have every right to do with my body as I please if I think I'm ready.

When it comes to me worrying about ruining the rest of my life.. Well that sort of goes along with the last paragraph. I worry about my future husband not wanting to marry me because of me figuring out myself sexually before he appeared. I know it's completely my choice, but I want to know how to go about it in the healthiest way possible. So, it comes down to making sure I don't get pregnant or get STI's... but I was never taught anything about prevention other then abstinence.


Thank You.

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Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

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HI Kansas29498,

It sounds like you're giving a lot of thought to all of this.

Regarding any future potential partner thinking less of you or not wanting to marry you because of the choices you make around your body and your sexuality, you're always free not to consider people who would think that way as potential partners. In other words, you don't have to accept disrespect from anyone, especially not someone you choose to have a relationship with.

I'm going to link you to a few articles that I think will get you on the road to getting the education you weren't able to get in school. I've included a wide variety of information, so that you can decide what is important to you to read about.

WE can definitely talk over any questions or concerns that come up as you read through this material.

Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

Safe, Sound & Sexy: A Safer Sex How-To


Innies & Outies: The Vagina, Clitoris, Uterus and More

Misconception Mayhem: Separating Pregnancy and Pregnancy Risk Myths from Facts
Misconception Mayhem: Separating Sexual Myths from Facts
Misconception Mayhem: Separating STI Myths from Facts
My Corona: The Anatomy Formerly Known as the Hymen & the Myths That Surround It

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Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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