Donate Now
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Experimentation before a relationship?

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Experimentation before a relationship?
Member # 96126

Icon 1 posted      Profile for idkwhattocallthisaccount     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
So I'm 19 and I've never had a boy or girlfriend. I've never been kissed and I have been quick to dismiss everyone who has ever asked me out. I know this couple and I'm friends with both of them. They said they were looking to try something different and they think I would be perfect. They have promised to let me set the rules and never do anything I was uncomfortable with. I trust them. But this would be my first kiss. Now I'm considering this although I have never even been close to saying yes to anyone that has asked me out. Do I go for it? Do I experiment with my bisexuality with a couple before I even start dating? Is my first kiss really that important? Thoughts?
Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
HI idkwhattocallthisaccount and welcome to Scarleteen!

For some people, the first kiss is special because they're kissing someone they want to be with forever. For some it's special because it's the first time they've done it and it has emotional and social significance. For still others it's special just because it feels good.

There are lots of other reasons why a first kiss, or first anything else, is important, so those are just a few of the possibilities.

So I turn it back to you: What does having your first kiss, or first sexual experience, mean to you?

I also want to check in with you about the kinds of safety discussions you've had with your friends, both physical safety--as in pregnancy and STI transmission prevention--and emotional safety.

From the sounds of it, these are people who are sexually experienced, at least with each other, and who also love each other. How confident do you feel that they'll be able to be there for you emotionally? As I said above, first times mean different things to different people. Sexual firsts aren't always life-changing in the way that they're assumed to be, but they do, for many people, have an emotional impact. Having a partner, or partners, who can be there for you through that is important.

You use the word experimentation here. Does this have to be seen as experimentation, or can it be seen as three people, who are attracted to each other, agreeing to have a physical relationship as well as friendship? I think this could be an important question to bring up with them, and will also tell you a lot about what kind of support they can be for you as the three of you explore relationships. That is, it's important to know whether you need to find your own emotional support through this while they support each other, or whether emotional connections will be more reciprocal between the three of you.

This article isn't specifically about multi-partner relationships, but I think you might find this checklist to evaluate your readiness for sexual activity helpful.

Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist


Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 96126

Icon 1 posted      Profile for idkwhattocallthisaccount     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I was friends with both of them before they started dating and have admitted that they are both attracted to me. So perhaps this could be more than just experimentation. I highly doubt we would be moving very fast because I doubt that I would be comfortable and they have said that they would do nothing that I wouldn't want to do.

Would you recommend that I go on birth control? I don't think that I will need it any time soon but maybe just in case?

Posts: 2 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Member # 96015

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Cricket     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'm in a polyamorous triad, and our third partner was initially someone we experimented with, though she approached us, not the other way around, and we took her on some genuine dates before we had sex with her. The fact that you're already friends with this couple and that they are making a big point of respecting your boundaries and giving you control are good signs. If this is something you think you might want to do, and you have a good understanding of this couple as people, I don't see anything wrong with considering it, especially if you move slow.

I have always been careful about who I kiss and am physical in general with, but that's always been less about seeking some deep emotional connection each time and more about making sure that I'm physically safe - it's hard to trust any sort of intimacy with someone I've just met. However, kissing friends I know and trust even when I'm not in romantic relationships with them is something I find extremely fun. I like kissing, when I can do it with a nice person in a safe situation. I was our third partner's second kiss ever, and she was comfy with that, even though she'd only known me for a couple of weeks. This couple sound like they're people you're genuinely friends with, so that makes things nicer.

Our triad relationship started out with some casual hanging out, cuddling, and backrubs, so I guess those are my suggestions for taking-it-slow activities. Don't put any pressure on yourself and don't make promises about what you'll do, just do what feels best to you. If you do get on birth control, it's good to be on it for at least a month before you do anything pregnancy risk-y, and a backup birth control method (probably condoms in this case) would be good to have, too. That might be somewhat premature at this point, but then, I've been on birth control for half a year and still haven't done any serious pregnancy risk behaviors, so the worst case scenario is that you get on it and then don't need it, I suppose, or just have lots of time to adjust to using it.

Posts: 62 | From: California | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 41699

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Onionpie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hey Cricket -- You gave a great reply, but I just wanted to let you know that this area is for staff and volunteer answers only. Thanks [Smile]
Posts: 1311 | From: Ontario, Canada | Registered: Dec 2008  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Saffron Raymie
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 49582

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Saffron Raymie     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I'd agree with Cricket; it's always best to be prepared and try out the world of birth control - to pair with condoms, dental dams and latex gloves for your STI protection - before you need it. That way, you can find something that totally works for you if other kinds don't, as well as become your own expert in your own protection method.

We have a handy tool for helping folks choose a birth control to try here: Birth Control Bingo and a walk-through on how we can best protect ourselves from STIs here: Safe, Sound & Sexy

'Obtain the virgin's consent before you marry her' - Prophet Mohammad (pbuh)

Posts: 1285 | From: England | Registered: Oct 2010  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:

Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Search Scarleteen