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Author Topic: Confused
whiskeybravo
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I need help. So about five years ago I went through a very bad breakup. This girl and I were best friends before we dated. After the breakup we didnt speak at all for five years. It broke my heart. Not a day went by that I didnt think about it. Well about a week ago I ran into her. She said she was sorry for everything and that she was as hurt as me. She said she wanted to be friends again. I was overjoyed. I took her in my arms and held her forever. I was so happy to have my best friend back. She will always have a special place in my heart. Problem is lately I have been having all kinds of strange emotions. I feel happy about this but a lot of the time I feel like I did after the breakup. I just become sick inside and cant stop the tears. My current girlfriend means everything to me, and shes fine with us being friends again. Therefore I hope to god it isnt old feelings coming back. I just dont know whats wrong with me. Im an emotional wreck and I need help. Thank you.
Posts: 15 | From: New mexico | Registered: Jul 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Onionpie
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Hi whiskeybravo, welcome to scarleteen! Sorry for the wait. I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time with this. It does sound like a painful situation.

It sounds like you have some pretty hard emotions that you're trying to deal with and are unsure of. Are you making sure that you have a lot of time to yourself to be able to process these emotions? I know that it's been five years since your break up, but you probably need some space from her -- because you're re-adjusting to having her back in your life after five years of not being there at all, you're not used to having to deal with her being present. So understandably that's bringing up some confusing emotions.

Have you also tried discussing any of it with her? Perhaps she is experiencing similar emotions. It could be a good idea to talk through what you guys are feeling openly and honestly together. I wouldn't jump immediately to the conclusion that your romantic feelings are coming back -- as I said in the previous paragraph, it can be hard to re-adjust to having a previous partner back in your life. The fact that she was also your best friend and then you lost contact for five years just adds to that emotional upheaval.

You could also write out what you're feeling or thinking in the moment, like when you can't stop crying, and when you feel happy about it. And then at a time when you're not feeling strongly either way you can go back to the list of feelings and analyse them from a different mindset, think about where they might be coming from.

Also, is it possible that you didn't allow yourself to properly heal from the break up five years ago? That might have left you with some feelings that didn't get dealt with, which you are now being faced with. That could also explain why you're feeling the way you did after the break up; if you didn't allow yourself time and space to deal with it properly when it happened, you're having to deal with it now. Does that sound like it might be possible?

[ 07-03-2012, 09:28 AM: Message edited by: Onionpie ]

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whiskeybravo
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I think so. I mean it is sort of a huge deal because I thought I would never see her again, let alone actually have her back in my life. See, I was forever angry and bitter about the break up. It ate at me, and her I found out for years. I had had breakups before but none ever bothered me like this. I have come to the conclusion that it was all because I never stopped loving and caring about her, try as I might to make myself believe I did. Like I said, she will always have a very special place in my heart. My current problem I guess is that when I was going to talk to her about this I had already had some beers, so I hope she knew, that I meant what I said about everything because I did. She gave me her number and for days I have been trying to muster the courage to call her. For some reason I just cant seem to do it. Theres so much I want to say to her, but I dont want to dump a bunch of stuff like this on her, especially if shes going through what I am. I will always put her well being ahead of my own. I just wish I could talk to her one on one. I really am happy she is back. Believe me, I normally am not the emotional type, so this has turned my whole existance upside down. Im sorry this is so long. it just makes me feel better to get this out. Thank you for your time.
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Robin Lee
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I'm glad to hear that talking about this is helpful.

As Onionpie said it's natural that your feelings would be all over the map.

It is important I think, to remember that while you've been missing her for five years, and from what she said she's been missing you too, after all that time the two of you are different people. You've both had experiences, whether big or small, that have altered your lives in some way or another. So, for the two of you to be friends again, or perhaps even more, you're going to have to get to know each other again. Are you in a relationship currently? Do you know if she is?

If you'd like to have her in your life, what do you think about taking some time for the two of you to get to know each other again? So, instead of calling her and pouring out all your feelings, what about calling her and inviting her out for coffee or lunch--something casual and in public? Tell her you want to hear about what has been going on with her all this time, and to catch her up on the things that have been happening for you.

What do you think?

--------------------
Robin

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whiskeybravo
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Yeah I agree. I dont want to talk to her about this over the phone. I think that its just a lot to take in. I think she feels the same way. We both have been through a lot since we last spoke. She said she just wanted to pick up where we left off. I currently am in a relationship and my current girlfriend totally supports us being friends agan. Everyone has been very supportive. I just wish I could muster the courage to call her. I cant figure out why its such a huge deal to do that.
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Robin Lee
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Hmm, what are you afraid will happen if you call her?

It's a little unrealistic to expect that the two of you wil just pick up where you left off...that said how do you feel when you think of the prospect of the two of you being friends again?

--------------------
Robin

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whiskeybravo
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When I think of the prospect of that, I am very happy about it. It really isnt that im afraid anything will happen. Its just been so long and so much has hapened. I sort of feel guilty about us not talking for so long. I feel like I abandoned her. I know that hurt her bad. I think that is what is keeping me from making that call. Still, I know I must. Otherwise it will drive me mad.
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Robin Lee
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Is there anything that you think might make it easier to take that first step?

--------------------
Robin

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whiskeybravo
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Well I spent the day with her yesterday. I came to the conclusion that I love the girl with everything in me. My problem is that now im scared I may still be IN love with her. I have been in the relationship im in for three years. I just hope and pray that I dont get torn between the two. Ijust dont know what to do. I feel like a terrible person for having these feelings. My heart has never been more heavy. I just feel like crawling into a hole.
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Onionpie
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Hi whiskeybravo, I'm really sorry to hear you're still upset and confused around this. It's really understandable, and I feel for you. Have you talked to her yet about not just trying to pick the friendship up where you left off since you're both different people now, like Robin suggested?
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whiskeybravo
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Yeah I sort of did. She said that this is an oppertunity to start a new chapter. She said her life was miserable without me. She said that we have to get to know eachother again because its been so long. She seems to be having similar issues.
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Robin Lee
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Hi There,

I'm glad to hear that you're both on the same page as far as getting to know each other.

One thing to thing about is that even though she says her life has been miserable without you it is not your job, and most likely not even possible, to fix her life for her. That's not to say that the two of you can't have a mutually healing, mutually rewarding friendship, only that I believe it is important to be wary of someone who may feel like they need you for their life to be whole. That kind of dynamic could potentially be challenging for your current relationship as well.

My thoughts are intended as things to think about, not warnings.

Have you and your friend made plans to get together yet?

--------------------
Robin

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whiskeybravo
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Tomorrow we are going to get together. Get some dinner, what have you. I think it will be a good time to talk. Maybey get some of this on the table. Figure out just where we stand and what to do. I think that she just meant that she missed the heck out of me. I missed her too. I just hope we can get this figured out.
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whiskeybravo
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Tomorrow we are going to get together. Get some dinner, what have you. I think it will be a good time to talk. Maybey get some of this on the table. Figure out just where we stand and what to do. I think that she just meant that she missed the heck out of me. I missed her too. I just hope we can get this figured out.
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Robin Lee
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Best of luck! [Smile]

It sounds like you're both very committed to figuring this out, so I suspect you will. It just may take a little time. [Smile]

--------------------
Robin

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