Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » Virgin needs help.

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: Virgin needs help.
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 5 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hello! I am a 22-year-old female virgin, who has very recently started experimenting with a guy. My problem is staying in the moment.

I have never managed to cum, with him or by masturbation. I can barely get aroused. It can start to hurt when he's touching me or when I'm touching myself.

I'm not sure what is causing this, but I really want to experience an orgasm. I know it's not nervousness. I am relaxed when this is happening.

I am weaning off of an anti-depressant (taken for OCD). I also take a Clonazepam once daily, but am cutting back to only taking them when I need them.

Any and all advice would be appreciated. I really want to get over this so I can enjoy my sexual self. Thank you.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
If you are experiencing pain, I would suggest that, as a first step, you make an appointment with your gynecologist to rule out any physical causes.

We can talk about the other possible causes with you here, but not being doctors, we cannot diagnose any possible physical things that may be going on.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I have decided that I will go see a gynecologist.

I feel like I need to add on a few other things. The pain seems to be concentrated around my clitoris. Once it stops being touched, the pain subsides, but I remain a bit sore afterwards. If I put my fingers into my vagina, it doesn't hurt.

Also, do you think it possible that because I tried to suppress sexual feelings for quite a long time that there could be a psychological thing going on?

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
There certainly could be a psychological factor, and it would also be worth looking into how your anti-depressants (as well as whatever made taking those meds necessary) might be affecting you. We can certainly talk about that here, if you like.

But to make sure you are covering all your bases, it is also important to rule out physical factors. So, I am glad to hear you will be making an appointment.

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
We are both touching me lighter than before, and it feels much better. I think my clitoris is very sensitive.

I would like to talk about the other potential factors. I am taking 20 mg of Citalopram, and working my way off it. It was for OCD, not depression. I am also taking .5 mg of Clonazepam for anxiety, which seems to be just enough. I am trying to only take it when I need to.

I'm not sure why I can't seem to get turned on much, and when I do, it doesn't last. I can take these meds before or after our encounters, and it doesn't seem to make a difference. What could be going on? Is it because I'm just inexperienced? I've never been able to masturbate and climax either.

Thanks.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, let's take this another step back, then.

Do you ever feel super aroused and sexually charged and enthusiastic about the idea of sexual activity (alone or with a partner)?

Do you feel very attracted to your partner, does he turn you on and do you really want to be sexual with him?

When you start sexual activity, how does that happen? Who initiates? Do you feel aroused and excited before, or do you just start and then try to get turned on?

This article may also help you identify some of the feelings and sensations I am asking about:
Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I do feel sexually aroused, sometimes more than others, but it just doesn't seem to last. I don't get much out of masturbation; I can touch myself and then my mind just goes away from it and the feeling is gone.

I am attracted to my boyfriend, and I do want to be sexually active with him.

We seem to initiate together (he might start before me), and I usually get turned on before (at least somewhat), but then it vanishes.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Have you discussed these medication adjustments with your doctor and are they supervising the adjustments?

It's certainly possible that the medication has affected your libido and it does take time for medication like that to work its way out of the system, particularly if you've been taking it for a long time.

When you lose interest in being sexual with your partner, what is happening? Put another way, are there activities you start with that you enjoy and then things that happen during which you lose interest?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Yes, I spoke about this to my psychiatrist and he's told me that it's alright.

How long might it take for Citalopram to get out of the system? Should I try a "drug holiday?"

We usually start with cuddling or making out, which I do enjoy. Then I go so far with the sexual stuff, and my mind starts in with stuff that kills the mood for me, like homework I have to do. This makes the sensations stop for me; I stop feeling horny at all and am just "going through the motions", really.

This is an important issue I have, so I want to thank all of you again for taking the time to address my concerns.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You say that you do enjoy the cuddling and making out, and only when you move beyond that does your mind start to wander?

Have you considered that cuddling and making out is where you're at right now in terms of what you want to do and what you feel comfortable with?

If you do enjoy some activities, but not other, this loss of interest is more likely to be tied to those specific activities, than some inherent lack of ability to become aroused.

What happens when you stick to making out? Does your interest also wane with that after a while? Or do you continue to find that enjoyable and pleasurable?

[ 06-07-2012, 06:00 AM: Message edited by: September ]

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
My interest does wane after a while of kissing and cuddling. My mind wanders then, too. I'm wondering if it is a form of ADD that is showing itself? I can concentrate on other things just fine, though.

Also, if you do think a "drug holiday" might work, or is worth trying, how long should it last?

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hi There,

Changing the way you take medication, or stopping it all together, is always something that should be discussed with your psychiatrist. IN mentioning that the meds might be a possible factor, I wasn't in any way suggesting that you stop taking them. Your medication does important things for you. Since you've stopped taking the medication for OCD have you and your psychiatrist come up with other management strategies?

Low libido is also something you can mention to your doctors, to your gynecologist, psychiatrist, or both.

Since you are distracted by thinking about things that yu need to do, is it possible for you and your boyfriend to wait on the intimate cuddly time until you've finished everything you need to get done? Having a full brain can certainly be distracting, even if you're doing something you find enjoyable/are with someone you enjoy being with.

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
September
Scarleteen Volunteer
Member # 25425

Icon 1 posted      Profile for September     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Robin has some excellent advice, and I also wanted to toss this article out there for you:
Whoa, There! How to Slow Down When You're Moving Too Fast

--------------------
Johanna
Scarleteen Volunteer

"The question is not who will let me, but who is going to stop me." -Ayn Rand

Posts: 9192 | From: Cologne, Germany | Registered: Sep 2005  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand, Robin. I've just read plenty online about a two-day "drug holiday" that some report being rather successful.

Thanks for the link, Joey. I'll make sure to tell him if things start going too fast for me.

What do you both make of "mindful sex"? That is, paying attention in the moment, focusing on how things feel, things you like about your partner.

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Robin Lee
Volunteer Assistant Director
Member # 90293

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Robin Lee     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
HI collegegirl412,

There's a lot of useful information online, even a lot of good educational material on medications and health stuff, but when it comes to making decisions about how to take medication, a doctor who has seen and evaluated you, who knows your medical history, is really the best person to talk to about making any changes.

Doing anything mindfully can be really powerful for a lot of people, and that extends to sex. Is mindfulness something you'd like to explore? How do you think your boyfriend would feel about exploring it with you?

--------------------
Robin

Posts: 6066 | From: Washington DC suburbs | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand.

I'd definitely like to explore mindfulness. I'd kind of like to explore it on my own, at first. I don't think my boyfriend would mind doing it with me, but I would like to try it alone first.

Do you know of any good articles online about mindfulness? Any other tips?

Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
collegegirl412
Neophyte
Member # 95926

Icon 1 posted      Profile for collegegirl412     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Do you have any tips for how to work with SSRI-induced sexual dysfunction? I am tapering off the pills with my psychiatrist's supervision, but if you have any tips in the meantime, I'd appreciate it. Thanks!
Posts: 24 | Registered: Jun 2012  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen