So my problem is understanding exactly what happened to me. This happened in October of last year. A boy who was my ex, but we were hoping to get back together soon, and I had sex. it was my first time. he said it was his too. we had wanted to for a while, and I felt safe and I knew he loved me and I loved him. We were very close, and talked things over a lot before we acted, usually. About two weeks later, he told me that he had had sex with a girl I'll call J. He said it 'didn't count' to him and that he hadn't thought it mattered, partially because he didn't finish. he assured me that he counted it as losing his virginity with me. I felt very sad, and angry about it, but moved on.
So then this last week, I was camping with a large group of people, two of them the boy and J. J and I are now friends, and we were talking about him and our relationships with him in the past. (Just to be clear, neither she nor I have romantic feelings for him anymore.) She mentioned that about three weeks after she had sex with him that one time, he had said to her, "Haha, Blank thinks I lost my virginity to her, not you." Blank being me. All through that night and the next day I couldn't stop thinking about how he had tricked me, coerced me into having sex with him. Because if I had known he had had sex with J a few weeks before, I would not have had sex with him then, maybe not ever. I might still be a virgin. I got it into my head that what he did might be a form of rape or sexual assault. so my question is, is it? or is it just very morally wrong? I have a hard time knowing what happened, and that I was kept in the dark. I was literally the last person to know what had happened. I've talked with a few friends about it, but I need an experienced adult's view and definition. Thanks for reading the long post, I'll appreciate any help.
Posts: 4 | From: Seattle | Registered: Feb 2012
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Doxy: if nothing else, this sounds very hurtful, and I'm sorry that this person was unkind to you.
I don't think we can, or should, call this rape or sexual assault, and it certainly wouldn't fall under those terms legally per any law or policy I know of. I think the only way we could call it coercion is if you made clear to him that ONLY if he had not been sexual with anyone before would you agree to have sex with him.
In other words, if you had made clear that him not having had partners in the past was a dealbreaker for sex with you, and he lied to you to bypass that limit, coercion didn't happen here, either. I hear you saying here that you feel that was a condition for you, but I'm not hearing you say that's a condition you laid out to him: was it?
But no matter what, I'd certainly say that not being honest about our sexual history to someone to whom we know it matters is unethical. And by all means, if he was in earnest per what he said to this girl -- I say that because it seems this person likely can't be trusted, period, so who knows, maybe he was telling her what he thought she wanted to hear, too -- rather than in earnest with you about his experience with her "not counting" (something I find pretty preposterous, honestly, but then the whole framework around virginity is a problem for me, period), then that was pretty freaking mean and crappy.
And we can have a bad sexual experience, or feel bad about one, even when there isn't assault or abuse. People can hurt us or be shitty without doing those things, and assault or abuse doesn't have to have happened for you to feel bad. In other words, your feelings are very hurt, and I can certainly see why.
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