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Author Topic: Not understanding...
soccer06
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Hi,

I'm just confused on a couple of questions!

1. Why is it, that when a woman gets pregnant, they are generically treated less respected than the man that made her pregnant? I have always believed that this is a mutual thing.

2. Is it possible to get pregnant from pre-cum? And why are some people able to get pregnant before their ovulation time?

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soccer06
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One more question...

So I was talking to my boyfriend about masturbating just because I was interested and have never tried it myself. I asked him how it works in the first place, basically asking if he watches porn. He said he did a while ago (we were still together. It's been about 14 months since we started and he said the last time he watched it was 3ish months ago). Anyways, after he answered it, I got mad (which I probably shouldn't have if I was the one asking it). It felt like a slap in the face, like I wasn't good enough. Anyways, I've been researching and I guess it's what a lot of people go through. Any advice? I don't get why boys do this when they have a girlfriend? I'm somewhat insecure with parts of my body and I feel like I could be getting compared to the other women on-screen. I'd just like some advice on the situation on how to handle it. We talked about it and he said he has stopped, but the whole thing still bothers me.Thanks for your help. I really appreciate it.

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Heather
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Well, per your second question, very, very few people in the world will only ever be attracted to or sexually excited or inspired by just one person, ever, or even to just one person at one time -- especially over time -- even if they are super into that person. As well, people's sexual fantasy life and their sexual reality often are not the same things.

This isn't just about boys, it's about people. Your boyfriend had a sexuality and a sexual life and imagination before you (you had one before him, too, even though it sounds like, timing-wise, it hasn't been something you explored much before, even by yourself), so expecting him or anyone to kind of lose all that and replace it with you now that you're in the picture just isn't sound. It also sounds like this has a lot to do with your own feelings of insecurity and self-image about yourself, something we can't expect partners to fix for us, you know?

With your first post:

1. As I understand it, you're asking why people sometimes -- not always -- think women who become pregnant get less respect than any men involved? If so, can you be a little more specific, especially since I'd not say that's universal?

2. If and when pre-ejaculate contains sperm cells, it is possible, but not likely. And people can become pregnant before or after ovulation -- rather than right at the time -- because sperm cells can live inside the vagina, cervix and fallopian tubes for more than just one or two days.

[ 04-15-2012, 05:04 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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soccer06
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Thanks for answering.

I'm not sure why I get so worked up about the p*** issue. Well, I know it's just about him seeing other girls and doing things past our boundaries as a couple [which is what bothers me]. Is there any advice on how to help me get rid of this problem? Sorry about all of the questions, I'm just trying to figure 'things' out. Thanks for your help.

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September
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Have you been able to tell your partner about your specific concerns when it comes to him watching pornography? He might be able to explain to you why he watches/has watched pornography, and dispel your concerns.

Pornography is part of sexual fantasy, and the private fantasies that we have about sex are not always an accurate representations of the things we want to do in our sex-life with our partners. So even if your partner watches pornography that includes things you have never done together, or that you personally would not want to engage in, that does not mean that he would want those things to happen in real life. It just means that he has fantasized about them, or that he finds those images arousing.

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Johanna
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soccer06
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Ok, I get what you're saying in the last paragraph. And yes, I have asked him about why he watches it before but he said he doesn't like talking about it because he can tell I get mad about it. My bad. But I guess I just don't get why boys can't just look at pictures of hot women in bikinis like girls do with guys in suits instead of going one step further and watching pornography. Any tips on how to talk to him about it? I really don't want to get mad and would really just like the "why" question answered just so I can understand it.
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Heather
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Again, this really isn't about boys. People of all genders look at or use pornography (some people don't, too, including some men and boys).

Can I ask why you think you'd feel more comfortable with him looking at women in bathing suits and imagining the rest in his head versus looking at people nude and/or engaging in sex?

In terms of tips on how to ask more, I think that honestly, he's probably not going to feel comfortable talking about it again for a while if you did blow your top. So, might want to let some more time pass before another conversation, and also wait to have one until you think you can have that conversation calmly.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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soccer06
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I guess I feel like it's better because of the fact that he DOES have to imagine it and it will be based on the things he has seen before. I guess it just makes me nervous that he has more to compare me to. It just feels like a different form of cheating to me just becuase they're being satisfied sexually from somebody else when I believe that it should be saved and only used with the person that you care about and love. I hope you kind of get what I'm saying and where my concern might be although, I know, some of it may be a little all over the place as to what i'm thinking. Any advice for when I'm able to talk again about it (more calm) in the future? Or how I should handle the situation in general? I'd just really like to get past this part and figure everything out so I (or we) can move on.
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Heather
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I think talking more of this through with someone where it isn't so loaded is probably going to be one big thing that helps you get to a place where you can talk with a partner about it more soundly. Happy to help out with that as we can.

You know, I don't know about you, but I can imagine all kinds of things I have never seen in my life before. Mind, I'm a really imaginative, creative person, but still, most of us can do that. That's kind of what our imaginations are for. It's about dreaming and thinking things up, not about recalling memories, you know?

Can I ask why you think he's comparing you to porn or the women (or men) he's seeing in porn?

I wonder if it might not help to think about your own sexual or romantic imagination, especially with you framing something he's only doing with himself as a kid of cheating. have you never, so far, seen, say, a movie -- doesn't have to be porn -- where you thought someone in it was sexually attractive, or imagined anything about them sexually later or at the time at all?

[ 04-16-2012, 08:22 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

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soccer06
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I definitely see your point as you ask to refer to a movie where I've found some men sexually attractive and imagined things. For some reason, I've just seen pornography so much worse, but i'm starting to realize there isn't really a difference from what I think about seeing somebody attractive in, for say, a romance movie. I imagine them in sexual ways but definitely not in a hurtful way to my boyfriend at all.

To answer your other question, I guess I just feel like being compared would be automatic, like my body might become less attractive compared to other women he's seen because of watching it. You know? Is my assumption wrong? I guess I haven't compared him to other men I've seen in romance movies by any means and I would never love him less because of seeing another attractive person. Is this the same thing? Or because it's porn, is it different?

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soccer06
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Do you think I'm setting a double-standard for this subject? If I can look at men in movies vs. him looking at naked women doing things on the internet? Or would you look at this being two different situations/things?
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Heather
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You know, I do think there's something of a double-standard you might be holding here, but I also think it's clearly not something malicious, about wanting to control anyone, anything like that. I think you made pretty clear what this is about for you right from the start which is that you're feeling pretty insecure here and this triggers those insecurities.

I also think it's kind of a lot to walk into, this situation, where you haven't even explored your sexuality at all by yourself, and it only seems like it's just starting with a partner, but they're not in that same spot, and on top of that, there's pornography in the mix, which is obviously a pretty complex thing, for both of you, and all around. I think trying to even have these kinds of conversations this early on in your life history of sexual and romantic relationships is...well, again, it's a lot.

But that all given, it sounds like you're someone who does a pretty great job of looking at and thinking about things pretty honestly and openly. And that's pretty impressive in my book.

Personally, I don't think it's sound to assume he's comparing. Probably, honestly, he's not thinking about you at all at those times. That might not be any more comfortable to know, but maybe you know how it is when you fantasize about something, even when say, you're reading a book and you get really immersed: you just kind of go into that world for a little bit, kind of losing who you are and the rest of your life in that moment. Do you know what I mean?

Obviously, I can't know if that's his experience, but it would be pretty typical for anyone engaging in any kind of fantasy, sexual or otherwise. And I agree with what you said at the end of your post before last there: I don't think it's likely different, and I do think he probably feels similarly, and experiences things similarly, to how you describe it when watching a regular movie and seeing someone in it you fancy in some way.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Thank you so much for your response. I see a side of this that I was not looking at in the beginning. I realize that I do have a "double-standard" on this subject, so I think I'll have to talk to him about everything with that that.

This site does a great job with explaining everything and I REALLY appreciate your help. Thanks again for the informative responses and questions to help me realize what I was doing and why he might do it. [Smile] Have a great day!

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Heather
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You're so welcome, soccer. Like I said, it seems to me you're doing a pretty darn good job on your own here, thinking fast and deep, and that's awesome. But happy to help with that process as I could. [Smile]

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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soccer06
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Hi Heather!
Sorry for bothering you, I just have a quick question.

I am trying to start tracking my periods, but am confused as to when I am ovulating. There were about 3 days where I'd get some mucousy white discharge, but it lasted for about 3 days. The rest of the month I seem to get a white discharge that can be rolled up in a tiny ball.

Could you please describe what my ovulation discharge would look like? I don't want to track it off the wrong stuff.

For tracking, I also have what date my period started, how long it lasted, date it ended, dates I ovulate, and to write down the date my breasts start to get sore before my period. Is there anything else I should add? After how long can I start to rely on the tracking? I've had my period for about 5 years now. Thanks for your help!

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Robin Lee
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Here's some information on cycle-tracking. It's oriented towards tracking fertility but can be used to track bodily changes and understand your cycle more fully.

And yes, changes around ovulation can last for two or three days. Ovulation isn't as quick a process as we tend to think it is. [Smile]

Get With the Flow: All About FAM

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Robin

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soccer06
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Thanks so much for the article! One more question about something that happened tonight.

My boyfriend and I got together and tried the 69. He ejaculated and from what I can remember, none of it got on my hands (I don't think). Right after he did, I rolled off of him and we layed a little more than a foot away from each other. He turned around so his head was by mine, still keeping about a foot and a half distance from me. I got up, went to the bathroom and we were done.

Does anything in here sound like a pregnancy risk? I know all of the articles said genital to genital contact, but is it alright if they weren't touching at all? or could have something squirt and gotten in? I've just been a little worried just because that was the first time we just layed next to each other for a little bit with nothing on, even though we were a about a foot and a half or 2 feet away (genitals).

Thanks for your reply!

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September
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It doesn't sound like there was any direct genital contact, and he also did not ejaculate on or near your vulva. So, I'm not seeing a risk!

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Johanna
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soccer06
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When you say ejculate near the vuelva, do you mean on legs or stomach or things like that? I guess I'm just really nervous even though we didn't touch body parts and he ejaculated in my mouth.

I got caught up in the moment, forgetting I was also ovulating this weekend, which I believe is making me INCREDIBLY nervous. I won't be making that mistake ever again if everything works out, believe me.

But if he didn't ejaculate near or on my vuelva and our parts were 1 1/2- 2 feet away from each other at all times, everything should be ok?

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Robin Lee
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NO, near your vulva doesn't mean on your legs or stomach. It means actually on your vulva--on your bare vulva.

And him ejaculating in your mouth *cannot* get you pregnant.

What you also likely saw in the articles is that it has to be fresh ejaculate in order to have a risk of pregnancy, so if the two of you were lying next to each other with his ejaculate drying, it was no longer fresh. Fresh means that it's come right out of the penis. Sperm doesn't live outside the body for very long at all.

But yes, if this activity makes you nervous, it definitely sounds like it's time to chat with your boyfriend about what *both* of you are and are not okay with doing. What do you think?

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soccer06
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Perfect. Thanks SO much! That really helps ease my mind!

I guess I just mean that doing that near ovulation makes me nervous. I like it, but my head plays mind tricks when I'm near that point in my period, especially. So yeah, I'll make sure to talk to him about doing things around that time and just to bring up the whole topic in general. We have a pretty open relationship, so it'll be good to talk about.

Thanks so much for your replies! They're greatly appreciated! Have a great day

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Robin Lee
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Just wondering: how do you know when you're ovulating?

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Robin

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soccer06
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I've heard that when your discharge is more clear and liquidy, that is when you are ovulating. Or can you not tell?
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Robin Lee
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There are changes to discharge during ovulation. Generally though it takes regular observation of one's cervical mucus and basal body temperature to be able to accurately understand the phases of one's own menstrual cycle. Is definitely doable though. Here's more information:


Get With the Flow: All About FAM

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Robin

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soccer06
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I've noticed that once a month (in-between my periods) somewhere it begins to get liquidy and stretchy for a couple days. Would this most likely be when I ovulate?

I'm also slighty confused. When you are most fertile, does that mean that sperm is more attracted to it? Or does it mean that if you had sex or contact between parts, you would be more likely to get pregnant? Therefore, if I still didn't touch genitals and he didn't ejaculate near my vagina, there should be no worries even if I was ovulating? Is this correct?

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Robin Lee
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Yes, in the article I linked you to it does say that that stretchy cervical mucus, kind of like egg white, is a sign of ovulation.

Ovulation is when your ovary releases an egg (usually just one) that is what a sperm will fertilize to create a pregnancy, assuming that the sperm and egg get together.

This is known as the most fertile time because the egg is available to the sperm. So no, it doesn't have anything to do with the sperm being more attracted to the egg. It's just about the egg being present. It takes the same kinds of sexual activities to potentially lead to pregnancy no matter what time of the month it is. While it is true that there are less fertile times of the cycle we don't say that there is ever a time when a woman's body wouldn't be potentially fertile.

But again, the sexual activities you described don't lead to pregnancy no matter what time of month it is for you. [Smile]

Here's a more detailed account of how reproduction works.

Where DID I Come From? A Refresher Course in Human Reproduction

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Robin

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soccer06
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Ok, I think I get it. So when I ovulate, it doesn't necisarily mean that the egg is "more attatched" to sperm? It just means that the egg is ready for fertilization? I guess I just got the impression that you'd definitely get pregnant if you did anything during this time of the month. Thanks for clearing that up! I'll take time to read that article you sent me!

Thanks a bunch for your help, Robin!

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soccer06
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Sorry about all of the questions, but I have one more thing I'd really like to talk about.

I seem to worry about being pregnant after sexual activities that, according to you guys, aren't risks. I'm not sure what I do, but I for some reason continue to think that I could be or am pregnant. I talk to my boyfriend about this everytime after doing something and he now gets frustrated that I continue to bring it up after you have said that the things we've done aren't pregnancy risks.

Do you have any advice to help me out? I really don't want to worry, but at the same time don't want to stop engaging in oral and manual sex. Are these activities worth getting birth control for? (the pill)

I would love to go on it in a heartbeat to ease my mind, but my mom is terrible about talking about sex. I've never been able to talk to her about it and things still get awkward when a sex scene comes on tv, even though I'm almost 17 years old. I would want to go on the pill, not because i'm thinking about sex, but just to ease my mind after giving handjobs, oral, or manual sex. I have no idea how to bring it up, considering i've never talked to her about it before.

I think she's still stuck onto my sister (14)and I being 6 and 4 years old that she is still wanting to fast-forward through making out scenes in movies. Any advice on how to talk to her? I really don't want to go behind her back to planned parenthood. I'd just like to be able to have the choice to go on the pill if I want to.

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Robin Lee
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Yes, you've got it exactly right. Ovulation means that an egg is there, ready to be fertilized if it happens to meet a pack of sperm, which can only happen through direct genital contact. [Smile] (and mind, fertilization doesn't happen all the time even if the egg does meet a pack of sperm. It just means that it could, and that if someone doesn't want to get pregnant birth control is a really good idea.)

Speaking of birth control, lots of people take it for lots of reasons, so your wanting to take it is not unusual and completely cool.
.

What I hear you saying about your Mom and any discussions related to sex is that they're awkward, rather than hostile. Is that about right?

I know this is easier said than done but one thing that can often help is to just be direct and not-awkward yourself. This might take some acting skills, but often when people see that we're calm about something, they are able to react more calmly.

I know that other staff and volunteers here have a little more know-how when it comes to ideas for talking to parents than I do, so I'm going to check in with them. [Smile]

And please don't worry about asking questions. You're getting answers to stuff it sounds like you've wondered for a while, which is awesome!

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soccer06
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It would be great if you could check in with them! Thanks so much! I'm just trying to figure out what to say becasue when I say awkward...i mean REALLY awkward and don't know how to handle it.

And yes, you have definitely answered questions that I have been wondering about, so thanks so much again, Robin!

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soccer06
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and i would consider her somewhat hostile towards the subject as well. She's talked about how people shouldn't be doing those types of things (to an extent. I feel like it's indirect towards me when she does say something about it).
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soccer06
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One more question, sorry.

Could you please define what "direct genital contact" is? And ejaculation on or near the vulva is basically on the vagina area? I'm confused as to what they actually mean!

Thanks again!

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Saffron Raymie
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Direct contact is one of two things:

1) Someone who has a bare penis directly ejaculating onto a bare vulva - as in, straight out of the penis onto the vulva.

2) A bare vulva and a penis touching.

(And no worries about asking questions, really; answering questions is what we do. [Smile] )

[ 04-25-2012, 04:53 AM: Message edited by: Saffron Reimi ]

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soccer06
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So if ejaculate is on your hands for a few minutes and gets stickyish dry, and I accidently touch the bottom of my underwear on the inside (i'm pretty sure I didn't have anything on my fingers...but if, for say, it was sticky since we layed down for 5-10 minuetes) nothing should happen? Even if it was on or close to my ovulation day?
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Karybu
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What you're describing is not something that would pose a risk.

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

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