Donate Now
  
my profile | directory login | search | faq | forum home

  next oldest topic   next newest topic
» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » An embarrassing problem

 - UBBFriend: Email this page to someone!    
Author Topic: An embarrassing problem
Burdened with glorious booty
Activist
Member # 93241

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Burdened with glorious booty     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Okay, so it's kind of awkward typing this, but here goes:

I'm 18 years old, a girl, and I'm still living at home. I'm in my last year of college before I go to university, so I'll be moving out within the next six months.

I identify as demisexual, which means that I've only recently felt sexual attraction to someone, my new boyfriend (and that's only because I've known him for years and I trust him a great deal). I never really gave much of a thought to sex before, but because of this new-found attraction, I've decided to start experimenting with masturbation, so that I know in advance what works for me and what feels good. However, I've found that when I'm trying with my hands, I don't really get anywhere - it takes far too long for it to start feeling good, and even when it feels good it's nothing mind-bending.

This is where the problem comes in (and trust me, the context was needed). I think that some kind of sex toy would work for me, but I can't go out and buy one. There's an Ann Summers shop in my local town which I could go to, and I've looked around the website to find something that would be suitable - but I'm much too nervous to step foot in there. I've tried, but I got too embarrassed and left before I could get anything. It's not what they're selling that embarrasses me or puts me off, it's the fact that the shop is so unsubtle about it - when you go in there, it's obvious to the entire world what you're in there for, and I couldn't stand that kind of judgement. I can't order anything online, either, since I hardly ever make online purchases - if a package arrives at my house addressed to me, my parents are going to ask me what it is I got, and I'm a terrible liar. I don't want anyone in my house to know about it, since it would be mortifying to talk about and it's none of their business. I'm so unused to this whole "sexual" thing that, despite knowing for an absolute fact that there's nothing to be ashamed of, I can't help but get really nervous about it and I can't help but feel that I have to keep all my sexual feelings a complete and total secret.

So, what do I do? Do I wait until I've moved out of the house, or do I just suck it up and go into the shop? (by the way, I don't know if this is the right section of the forum to post this in - sorry if it isn't).

[ 04-08-2012, 04:25 PM: Message edited by: Derpy Hooves ]

--------------------
Ta-da!

Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Well, how about we start here: what do you WANT to do?

One thing I can tell you that might be the easiest solution if what you're looking for is a vibrator for yourself is that some of the best vibes there are are also sold as "back massagers." In other words, the more powerful electric vibes are multi-use, and you can get them in large general stores rather than having to go to sex toy shops like Ann Summers.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Burdened with glorious booty
Activist
Member # 93241

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Burdened with glorious booty     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I want to actually make a purchase and see if it works - I'm just too nervous at the moment to try.

Thing is, I'm also on a tight budget - I know the kind of thing you mean, and they sound awesome, but they're usually pretty expensive from what I've seen. Plus, I could hide a toy fairly easy if I were to get one - I wouldn't be able to hide a giant back massager.

--------------------
Ta-da!

Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I getcha. Just thought I'd put it out there in case.

I do first want to make sure this is about something you want for yourself, rather than an idea you have to masturbate to later have sex with a partner. If the latter is your motive, all of this seems like a lot of trouble to go through with what I'd say are some fairly iffy motives, and something that may or may not be helpful in that regard, depending on your expectations.

But if that's not the deal and you want this for yourself, what about going with a friend? We can also talk about the judgment you're assuming will be put on you, which probably won't be, if you like. People who work in sex toy shops usually tend to be some of the least judgy people there are, not the most.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Burdened with glorious booty
Activist
Member # 93241

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Burdened with glorious booty     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I want to do this for me, really. Up until now, I've not really HAD any semblance of a sex life, either with myself or other people - I just gave up on trying to please myself because it wasn't going anywhere for me. Now that I actually have some kind of interest in it, I feel like I should be able to have this kind of private life. Like, I'm legally an adult now, I shouldn't be embarrassed about doing more adult things.

I briefly mentioned to one of my closest friends that I'd like her to come with me, but I've not mentioned it to her since, and I don't know if it's really something we'd end up doing. I just don't know if, next time I'm shopping with her, I can just go "can we pop in here for a sec?". And I know the people in there are probably really nice and non-judgemental and stuff, but the one time I did get the guts to go in (and even doing that took about quarter of an hour of loitering outside and visiting the shops next door), I just felt like such a kid - like I was surrounded by all this sexual stuff that I'm not used to, and like I really didn't belong in there.

I guess I'm just annoyed that I can't just walk in and get the thing, really. I'm making excuses, and I know that I have no real reason for making excuses either, aside from general embarrassment that I logically know shouldn't be there.

--------------------
Ta-da!

Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, lots of adults of every age -- people of every age -- feel embarassed about sex and sexuality in various ways. It'd be awesome if age by itself fixed that: alas, it doesn't.

It's okay to feel like you do, and it's something you can work through in time. I don't see beating yourself up about that being helpful to you, and I think you can also find some helps in the meantime.

For example: you could tell someone who works in the store how you're feeling and ask for their help. That happens plenty in sex toy shops, too, and the people who work in them usually get that and want to make it comfortable for people shopping. And sometimes just speaking our worries or anxieties out loud also goes a long way in helping us to unpack them.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Burdened with glorious booty
Activist
Member # 93241

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Burdened with glorious booty     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I understand that. I guess it's just that logically, I know it's not something to be embarrassed about. In fact, I can think about going in there and buying what I want perfectly normally. It's only when I go to actually do it that I start to clam up.

I'd ask my boyfriend to go with me, actually, since I've had plenty of rather sexual discussions with him already - but I don't know how he'd react to that suggestion. He might appreciate it - it's a long-distance relationship, so maybe he'd understand that?

Your advice has been pretty helpful, thank you. I won't be afraid to talk to the staff if I'm by myself - last time I tried, they were just huddled in a corner, talking. I'll try again soon, though.

--------------------
Ta-da!

Posts: 130 | From: UK | Registered: Dec 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

Icon 1 posted      Profile for Heather     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Honestly, this is another thing, though: if only knowing that it isn't sound to be embarrassed made people feel differently. Shame is a pretty tricky, complex thing, and getting rid of it is something most people find pretty challenging, and also something that often takes a long time. Lifetimes for some people, never -- sadly -- for others.

I think if your boyfriend feels like the right person to keep you company in doing this, there's no reason he's not as good of a person to ask as a bestie, for sure. [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

   Close Topic   Feature Topic   Move Topic   Delete Topic next oldest topic   next newest topic
 - Printer-friendly view of this topic
Hop To:


Contact Us | Get the Whole Story! Go Home to SCARLETEEN: Sex Ed for the Real World | Privacy Statement

Copyright 1998, 2014 Heather Corinna/Scarleteen
Scarleteen.com: Providing comprehensive sex education online to teens and young adults worldwide since 1998

Information on this site is provided for educational purposes. It is not meant to and cannot substitute for advice or care provided by an in-person medical professional. The information contained herein is not meant to be used to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease, or for prescribing any medication. You should always consult your own healthcare provider if you have a health problem or medical condition.

Powered by UBB.classic™ 6.7.3

Google
Search Scarleteen