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Author Topic: Confused, needing advice.
sarah grace
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This isn't really an urgent question, but I need some unbiased advice about a situation going on in my life.

I recently (well, about a month ago) broke up with my boyfriend of almost 2 years. Our relationship had begun to become rocky, so the breakup was pretty mutual and we are on good terms. I have handled it really well.

Here's where it gets complicated. For the past 6 years, I have had a guy friend. We have always been really close, even dating for a short period of time when we were 14/15 but ended it because there is a distance issue. There has definitely been sexual tension between us for a long time, and I personally know I have been in love with him on some level for at least 4 or 5 years. He's always been there for me and has never said a harsh word to me, even when I screwed him over. The biggest issue we have had was that he confessed his feelings for me right before I began dating my recent ex, and I told him I had feelings for someone else.

About a year ago, my ex found texts between me and my friend (I'll call him E). We have always said "love you" and been affectionate. Basically, he really felt uncomfortable about it and wanted me to talk to E less. I did, but felt really bad about it because E means a lot to me - but knowing deep down that I had feelings for E, I agreed. After my ex and I broke up, I made a huge effort to get close to E again, mainly because he just lost his house in a natural disaster and I just missed him like crazy.

About two weeks after I became single, E told me that he has feelings for me again. I was honest with him and told him that I definitely had feelings for him too. We began talking a lot more and I was honest with him again about the fact that I wanted to be with him, but I need time to just be single and take care of myself. He was super supportive, telling me to take as long as I needed because he just wants me to be happy.

We eventually made plans to hang out. We spent the majority of yesterday at his friend's apartment, the first half of the day just cuddling and holding hands, but then he kissed me and we ended up having sex (again, before we did I told him I wasn't ready for a relationship and he was completely okay with it). I found out after that he had been a virgin and had basically been waiting for me. We talked and were just straight up honest with each other about this crazy pull we feel towards each other, like we are just meant to be together and that we have loved each other for a long time. I don't regret the sex, but when I told my other guy friend later that we had made out (I intentionally left out the fact that we had sex), he got really judgmental, saying that he felt like there was something off about the whole situation because E and I aren't dating and that I was being selfish and shady and way too eager to get into another relationship. I'm one of those people who get really paranoid about "bad feelings" - so now I'm really worried I'm going to end up pregnant. I have taken my pills within an hour or two of the same time, but E had a hard time staying hard because he was nervous but I made him change the condom every time he got soft, and when he came inside me I was concerned the condom leaked but he pulled out really quick, held on to the condom, and I didn't feel any semen inside of me (a lot was in the condom).

I feel like my friend is being really mean, but then again now I'm really paranoid to the point of being sick to my stomach. I start my placebo pills tonight and will start my period Wednesday. Do you think I should go get Plan B just to be careful? And do you think I was being selfish/mean by sleeping with E? I love him, I really do, and I feel like I could spend the rest of my life with him.

I just feel really easy right now. :/

[ 03-25-2012, 12:01 PM: Message edited by: sarah grace ]

Posts: 57 | From: kentucky | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
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There's no need for Plan B here; condoms and the pill is a very effective combination, and Plan B wouldn't add anything to that. (For the record, condoms don't tend to "leak" - if they fail, it's because they slip off entirely or break. But they're designed to hold semen, and if they are used properly and stay on, you can consider that they've been effective.)

Regarding the comments your friend made, I agree that he's being very judgmental and unnecessarily harsh. Sex does not have to happen in the context of a monogamous romantic relationship, and as long as it's consensual and enjoyable for the people involved, then it's not really up to anyone else to decide whether it's "okay" or not. I'm getting the impression that you and E have been communicating pretty well, and so long as you continue to do so and are honest with each other about what you want, there's nothing selfish or mean about whatever you choose to do together.

[ 03-25-2012, 10:54 PM: Message edited by: Karybu ]

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5730 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
sarah grace
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I ended up taking Plan B before I read this - mainly just for peace of mind. I was really just worried because the condom slid down. Plan B can cause a delayed period, correct?

Thank you so much for your response. All of my girl friends have been really excited for me because of all the jerks I've gone through. I feel like as long as I'm straightforward and honest with him I'm doing the right thing. I was just wondering too - how long should someone ideally wait after getting out of a long relationship before dating again? I have always had a big problem with jumping out of relationships and into others and never giving myself time to recover.

Posts: 57 | From: kentucky | Registered: Jun 2009  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Karybu
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Plan B can cause a period to be delayed, but it can also cause it to be early, or you might have some spotting. Sometimes it can affect your cycles for a few months, so you may find that your periods are a bit irregular for the next couple of cycles.

As for how long it's "ideal" to wait after getting out of a long relationship before you start dating again, that's a very individual thing. Generally, though, you do want to give yourself enough time to sort of rediscover who you are as a person without being involved with anyone: get your own routine going, give your social life with platonic friends plenty of attention, that kind of thing. Sometimes in long-term relationships those things can get pushed to the side a bit, so it's often very helpful to get back to a place where you can just do your own thing for awhile before starting another relationship. Make sense?

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"Another world is not only possible, she is on her way. On a quiet day, I can hear her breathing." -Arundhati Roy

Posts: 5730 | From: Canada/Australia | Registered: Sep 2004  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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