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Author Topic: Relationship Advice
thedragon2012
Neophyte
Member # 94793

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I'm 18, my boyfriend is 17 and we've been a couple for over two years. Sexually, I feel like our relationship moves at glacier pace. I've wanted to have PIV sex with him for a year, I've been comofortable being naked around him almost from the very beginning - but he has very, very, very low self esteem. He's constantly asking me what I see in him and he never believes me when I tell him I think he's gorgeous, funny, sexy, amazing etc. For the past six months or so he's gotten confident enough to let me see him naked - although he still has low esteem days when he won't - and lately he's started fingering me. I haven't orgasmed but its still definitely the most pleasurable thing we've done together. I would really like to be fingered more often, as now when we make out I get really aroused and then he'll lose interest and want to just cuddle and talk whilst I lie there unable to concentrate because I'm so worked up. I've tried asking him to not get me so worked up if he doesn't feel like following through, and I've explained that I would like to be fingered more often, but (and I said this as well) I feel like a bad, greedy person because I've never given him a handjob or oral sex, so I find it really difficult to ask to be fingered as I feel like I'm creating a chore for him without offering anything. This is not because I don't want to, I just feel A) like he might not comfortable with me doing that kind of thing yet, or that I'm not allowed - when I touch his penis 80% of the time he says I'm making him nervous or that my hands are too cold. B) if I tried something I don't trust him to tell me how to do it well, or even if I'm doing something that's painful for him. After I explained all this to him he just looked sad, said 'I don't know' and gave me a hug. I think I would be able to deal with not being fingered very often if I was allowed to give him a handjob or oral sex - I'd really like to make him come - but I don't know how to get him to communicate enough that I stop feeling nervous about being awful or being rejected.
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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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You don't sound like any of the negative things I hear you putting on yourself here.

If I'm hearing this right, it sounds to me like the pace things have been going at aren't a pace that is working for you, but is the slower pace your partner needs. In fact, it sounds like even the pace things have gone at might not really be right for him.

Have you two ever had a long talk about what you each are looking for and ready for sexually in this relationship, or any relationship? If so, can you tell me how that went and where you both stood afterward?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
thedragon2012
Neophyte
Member # 94793

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We haven't really talked about what we're looking for. I talked to him a year ago about whether he was interested in PIV sex, and he said he would definitely like to have sex with me, he just felt really nervous about it and wasn't ready yet. Which I am totally fine with, because we haven't done other sex things yet. He's also said several times that he doesn't feel comfortable doing anything other than making out if there are other people in the house, although recently he's ignored that rule on a couple of occasions when he's fingered me. For my 18th birthday a couple of months ago he took me on holiday abroad a made a big deal about the privacy, so I thought he might want to have sex. When we got there all we did was make out on the first night so on the second I asked him if I'd misunderstood, and he said he had seriously planned the whole holiday with the intention of having sex, but now that it came to it he felt too nervous. I said that was fine but I'd like to maybe be fingered - at the time neither of us were in the mood right after such an awkward conversation but we did later.
I guess what I'm looking for isn't PIV sex anymore, but I'd like to explore other kinds of sex and both give and experience a more heightened sense of pleasure than you get from just making out. I really want to make the sexual side of things work better, because I'm so frustrated, but at the same time I worry about being pushy.

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Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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Okay.

So, it sounds to me like for you to even have any real sense of where he's at with this, you really need to have that talk. It might even take more than one talk: after all, it's kind of a bog, loaded topic.

But I think until you do, it's actually really important to kind of hold back like you have been, since it seems pretty clear that where you want to go isn't where he's comfortable going. It sounds to me like he's not likely to be any time soon, but still, that's really something to find out about from him.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68290 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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