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Author Topic: I don't know what to do really
katie406
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Hi
I've been having sex with my boyfriend for nearly a year now (we are each other's first time) but lately you could say that I'm feeling pretty bored with it and I've become quite selfish.

All of our friends and other people at school think that I'm out of his league looks-wise but I hate to think that. However this becomes obvious in sex as it seems that he is a lot more attracted to me than I am to him e.g. he always initiates sex and gets me turned on first.

This might be quite surprising to hear but he has only ever "cum" once during penetrative sex. I think that it is because I never try to turn him on like he does to me. So when we start to have sex I am already closer to an orgasm than he is - and unfortunately once I've orgasmed I want to stop :/

He has always known that this is how I feel and just accepted it as our relationship but I can't help feeling really guilty about not giving him anything back. And lately, I've not been wanting to have penetrative sex since "he won't cum anyway"; I know this is bad because he enjoys it even if he can't orgasm.

To be honest I don't know if it's me becoming selfish or the fact that I'm not as attracted to him as I used to be; his personality was the main reason I agreed to date him.
And I'd just really appreciate some advice about what you think is the best thing to do!!

Thanks <3

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Heather
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How someone looks, physically, is usually only one part of our attraction to them. How big a small a part that is is both individual and situational: in other words, some people find looks play a bigger part for them than others do, and how big a part looks versus other parts of who a person is play in our attraction is also about that individual person.

Obviously, only you can have a sense of how big a part looks play for you here.

But whatever part it is, what I'm hearing in your post is that it sounds like you're just not really feeling it for this person anymore. You express feeling bored, you express a lack of attraction, you express that with sex, you don't feel very interested in it -- you aren't initiating -- and seem to have lost interest in his pleasure. It also sounds like you're more focused on his side of sex as product -- reaching orgasm -- than process -- enjoying shared pleasure.

So, I think the big question to lead with, is this: do you strongly feel like you still want to be in a romantic or sexual relationship with this person?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
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katie406
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Yeah, for me in this relationship it has never really been about looks, but then to me that sounds stupid because how can someone willingly have sex if there isn't an attraction? Which is why I think I might have lost the physical attracttion that was once there.

I definitely do not want to end the relationship whatsoever, that would be a total last resort if I couldn't sort this problem out.

I think it's also a case of worrying about why I am in love with him; I'm asking myself am I just attracted to how much he loves me? He is such an amazing person and the best looks is all he is lacking but this never really used to be an issue for me sexually.
But now it is :/

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Heather
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Again, sexual attraction is about more than looks for most people. But I think it's also safe to say that for many, if not most, it is part of sexual attraction. So, what you said doesn't sound stupid to me.

I think that "Do you want to end this?" is a bit of a different question than "Do you want to stay in this?" I know they sound similar but can you maybe try answering the latter, not making it about the former?

Is this a relationship you still really enjoy AS a sexual and romantic relationship? Do you still feel very excited about it and invested in it?

Per your last paragraph, when you do ask yourself if a lot of this is about not your feelings of attraction to him, but you liking that he's attracted to you, what kind of answer do you come up with?

I think it's also important to make clear that what and who we're attracted to can and often does change through our lives and relationships. So, finding that something that didn't used to matter for us before later does, or that something that did later does not, is not unusual.

[ 11-17-2011, 01:33 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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Answering your first question, I do want to stay in this relationship but for your second, I don't know. I might have to say that I don't feel very excited about sex anymore.

And I think that what drew me to him in the first place was the fact that he loved me, and I would have expected this to have progressed to much more in a year, but I don't know if it has. I hate to admit it to myself but maybe I like the safety of this relationship and the friendship/memories more than the intimacy, I imagine this is similar to many relationships, however sex should still have an importance.

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Heather
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So, let's try this on:

Might you say that you do not find you have interest in this as a sexual relationship anymore, but still DO have interest in it as a friendship and/or a romantic relationship?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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Yes I would agree with that :/
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Heather
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Okay. [Smile]

So, what do you think about that? For once, do you think that you and your boyfriend would be mutually interested in either just friendship, or a friendship and romantic relationship that was NOT sexual? The latter might mean neither of you having other sexual partners, or it could mean opening up the relationship so that either of you could have a sexual partner, just not each other.

As well, have you yet started talking at all about this change in your feelings with him?

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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I think it would be good to try not having sex for a while, and seeing where that takes us.
The thing is, I think the relationship has started to take a turn on being more revolved around sex - in good and bad ways. For example, he has friends that "expect" us to be having sex like one of them gave him viagra at a party so we'd "have a good night". I think I know him well enough to hope that this isn't true, but maybe if sex was taken away, would he feel differently about me and maybe want to end the relationship?

And for me it would have to be no other sexual partners, I can't have open relationships with people it's just not something that would personally work.

And no I haven't spoken to him. I would hate for this to hurt his feelings as he isn't the most confident person.

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Heather
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So, it sounds like the place you feel best starting with -- and I agree, that sounds like a good idea -- is to take a break from sex in your relationship.

My suggestion on asking for that and voicing your feelings in a way that's sensitive is to start by asking for time to talk. Make clear you have something tough to talk about, but really need to. Then express that when it comes to sex in your relationship, as he might now, you just haven't been feeling it lately, and things really haven't been feeling right. mention that some of how you know this is you getting less and less invested in his pleasure, something you obviously don't want in a healthy sexual relationship, and he probably isn't too jazzed about himself. You can tell him that you don't have big answers on why your feelings have changed, but you know they have and that sex with him just isn't the right thing for you right now.

Then you ask for some time away from sex together. Pick a time period as a minimum: maybe something like a month to start, then reevaluate how you feel after that. Then ask how he feels about all of this, and you can take it from there.

If that works for him, then great. If it doesn't, then it seems you'll need to make some choices here, about if you really want to keep having sex in a relationship when you just don't have sexual feelings in it anymore. Personally, I'd advise against that, for both of your sakes, but that's also your choice. While it rarely makes people happy, on either side, it's not like there aren't people who stay in sexual relationships they don't really enjoy or feel invested in.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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I know what you mean, and obviously it would be so much easier to keep having sex with him even though I'm not loving it, for me anyway. One of my biggest flaws is confrontation and I generally hate having serious talks with people :/

However, I completely trust your advice, and will try to talk to him about this.
Obviously the best thing to happen is he will agree to take a break from sex and this will give me time to become re-attracted to it, let's say! So I do have to try and hope that it happens.

Thank you so much for your help and time [Smile]

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Heather
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Do you really think it'd be easy to keep having sex with someone when that's not what you want? I ask that because unless you are just totally zoning out during sex, that strikes me as something quite difficult and unpleasant for people, you know?

For sure, sometimes pushing the resent button, as it were, on a sexual relationship can positively change dynamics in it. So, if he is down with that plan, if you want to come back here, we could certainly brainstorm together to think of some ways you could really use that time without sex to figure out some more of what you want, and explore how you do feel about this person sexually, potentially including the things about him you have and still do find sexually appealing.

And you're so welcome! [Smile]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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I understand what you're saying and I know that he would hate to keep having sex if I wasn't enjoying it, but what I want from this is to be excited by sex with him again. Whether that will come from forcing - maybe that's too strong a word - myself to enjoy sex, or trying out what you and I have discussed.

And yes, I will definitely come back to figure out my attractions to him if that's what I need to do [Smile]

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Heather
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That generally does not happen when someone forces themselves to have sex they don't want. Rather, what making oneself have sex one doesn't want tends to do is only make things worse in that department, as well as others.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Maybe think about that this way: let's say there's a food you have tried a bunch of times, used to like, and just don't like anymore.

Continuing to make yourself eat it is not likely to make you like it anymore. It's just likely to make you feel even more negatively about it. Make sense?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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Yeah that does make much more sense when you put it into that context. And obviously relationships cannot be defined as easily as eating a type of food so if we take a break then chances are we'll be sexually stronger in the end - breaking it down like that definitely helps!!
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Heather
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I don't feel comfortable predicting outcomes with this, and my best advice to you would be to try not to yourself.

What seems most important is just that you allow yourself the experience of not having sex be a part of this relationship, and be open to the numerous ways you may find you feel about that. It just seems to me that if the whole time you take a break, you're still focused on trying to feel something you may or may not, that may be counterproductive.

Know what I mean?

But obviously first, let's see how he feels about this proposition, period.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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Yeah I completely understand. It's just hard for me to accept that there might be a possibility of a break up if he cannot accept not having sex.

But at the end of the day, it's bad for both of us if I carry on having sex when I don't want to - I know exactly what you mean now!

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Heather
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I get how you're feeling around unwanted outcomes.

At the same time, you might want to ask yourself how you feel about a situation where you'd effectively be exchanging sex for friendship and romance. In other words, where you're not engaging in sex because you feel strong desire and are pursuing a mutually pleasurable experience, but where you're engaging in it to keep a relationship.

There are no right or wrong answers to that, only how you, yourself feel about it, but I do think it's important to ask the question if it does turn out he's not open to a sexual break. And I'd suggest being as honest with yourself as possible when you ask that question as you can, also taking into account that you have the option of relationships where you truly want them to be sexual romantic and with a friendship.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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katie406
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I know exactly what you mean!
You have been a great help to the way I'm feeling about this so thank you [Smile]

If I need any more advice after our talk, I'll be sure to ask you. Thanks again!

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