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Author Topic: lonely and fed up
georgiexx
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So, I'm just really lonely and I feel a little insane. Update on my life is, me and my ex saw each other on a night out, he was literally like 'i want you back, i dont want to mess with your head i'm just being honest, i dont know why i broke up with you, i love you to bits, i miss you, i think of you every day...etc' We also kissed, like proper kissed. I was very shocked and surprised, didn't expect that at all. we met up during the day the following week and his attitude was totally different, said he wants us to be 'really good friends' and he wants me to be like 'all his other girl mates'. i was like, err, what? kind of hurtful. said he didnt want to jump into anything in case it doesnt work out and that would really suck and he wouldnt be able to see me again because it would hurt too much.
i understand that, but found it VERY upsetting seeing as a week before that he got my hopes up TOTALLY. if he had said this without what he said a week before it would have been fine, but it just totally confused me, does he want me or not? why would he say it if he didnt mean it, eurgh. he made me think we were getting back together. he said he wants us to be really good friends and 'if it happenes it happens, if it doesnt it doesnt'. which made me think wow, you clearly dont care if we are together or not at all, i feel really special...not.

anyway, i have good days and bad, its been like 3 months now and you would have thought i'd be over this but i'm not. sometimes i get so irriational and angry and hate him and cry for hours. other times im ok. not looking forward to winter/christmas. because i wont have him, and his family, i liked having two christmases and just the feeling of being part of his life at times like that. we've met up like twice and he says hes down still. we text occasionally and even when we do he doesnt text back after iv replied. so he couldnt text back when we were together, cant text back when we're 'friends' either. eurgh.

i have made a new friend, i'll call him S. S is the nicest guy ever, so sweet and caring and lovely to me, also really good looking. we are kind of 'friends with benefits', though i dont really know why as i get absolutely nothing out of sex, i just fake the whole experience. anyway he really likes me, as more than a friend but i have made it clear several times since the start that i dont want anything more than what we have now, and he knows im not over my ex. so why do i have sex with him? i dont even like sex.even though hes good looking and nice, i dont even like him as more than a friend? i just dont. i just do it and then afterwards think...what was the point in that. and even during it i find myself thinking "i feel ridiculous" because im oohing and ahhing and acting like im loving it when in all honesty i could just fall asleep.

then in between me sleeping with him, i went home with one of my sisters friends, twice. i dont know why. well i do know why, i found him really attractive and he also found me attractive and it felt really sexy because i initiated it, as in i initiated going back to his place, i felt all in control and sexy. plus i fancied him. anyway, got back to his. and i had sex with him and once again i got absolutely nothing out of it, apart from the way he did it, i dunno his 'style' was similar to my ex. he was really cuddly and kissed me alot and made me feel all nice and warm and special, even though i wasnt to him, we didnt even know each other! and then afterwards he was really cuddley too, and stroked me and kissed my forehead and all that, and im clearly a total sucker for that. so a couple nights later i did it again with him but now i feel a little attached to him, which is stupid.

i told myself i wouldnt sleep with S again, just be his friend but then i went home with him again and i just dont know why! then i go home and feel pointless and so extremely lonely. all my friends have gone away to university. im alone. dont even know what i expect you to reply with, i dont even know what im asking, i just feel sad and lonely and a bit digusting, having pointless sex with people. you would have thought i would actually get something out of sex by now. no one can even say i didnt like it with my ex because i wasnt attracted to him/he wasnt very good/he wasnt right for me, because iv had sex with someone else who i really fancy and he did all the right stuff and i didnt get anything physical out of that either. meh.

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Heather
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I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way, though I don't think 3 months is a realistic time frame to expect to be "over" a breakup of a long-term relationship nor over a lot of very longstanding issues, especially since it seems like they're not yet things you've really gotten help working on save for here on the boards.

Can I ask you why you think you're putting yourself in the spot yet again where you're having sex you don't really want and don't enjoy?

Can I also ask, looking at the bit with your ex, if you feel like your focus is mostly on if he does or doesn't want you, rather than if a relationship with him again would actually be a good thing for you?

Do you think both of these things are in large part about being lonely?

[ 10-14-2011, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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well, i started sleeping with S out of curiosity really, to see what it was like to have sex with someone else, see if it felt good, see if it was any different. i realised after the first time it was no different, and still felt like nothing, yet i still carried on. i slept with the other guy because i fancied him, and cos he was paying me attention. but again, it felt like nothing yet i still slept with him again.

having sex makes me feel wanted, i dont know why, it just does. so i guess it is partly to do with being lonely.

with my ex, i just cant seem to get my head around WHY he doesnt want me. and WHY he would say he wanted me back (so genuinely as well) but then...not. for nearly 2 years, i was so important to him, and so special, he would want to show me off, when we broke up he said it was the happiest 2 years of his life...so why did he throw me away? i think very irrationally sometimes, and obviously all this means HES the reason we ended, not me. obviously he has issues and thats partly why things changed. but i just dont get why. why did he start treating me the way he did near the end? he acted like he loved me, and then suddenly, he just didnt act like that anymore. i cant get my head around why. also the thought of him being with someone else makes me feel so upset. hes not even with anyone else, probably wont be for a long while, but i'll think, why didnt he want me? i didnt change, and we were great together and he used to say i was the best relationship hes ever had so why would he want someone else and not me?

i think its the feeling of rejection that i cant stand.

plus, as well as all of this, i miss him himself, the person he was when everything was fine. i miss all the private jokes, the laughs, the cuteness, the cuddles, the love. everything, i just miss. i miss telling him about my day and i miss hearing about his. and now i feel very very lonely.

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Heather
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So, how about starting to seek out some other things that make you feel wanted that a) don't require you to engage in something you're not enjoying and b) are much more likely to be positives for you?

With your ex, how about if we turn this around: who cares if he wants you or why he doesn't? I know you do, but my point is that even if he did, you know already a romantic relationship with him is not a good fit for you two anymore and hasn't been for a long time, if it ever really was past the start of the relationship (when things are pretty much always fine, for everyone).

I think one of the things that's been clear for a while, and is still is that so long as you are so focused on being wanted, and seeking out that more than anything else, things are going to suck. There really just isn't much that even offers us when we ARE wanted, and then when we aren't, it's this massive blow to the guts that it isn't when we stop seeking so much validation from other people.

In the last couple months, what have you been doing to work on yourself and your life outside sex and romance? Did you ever get any of the counseling we've been suggesting? Work some more on your own life goals and pursuing them? Invest a lot more time in other kinds of relationships besides sexual or romantic ones?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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i have no idea what those things would be.
i think we were a good fit, it was only the last 2 months or so that things started to go weird. before that we were happy. the only thing that i didnt like was sex, but that wasnt because of him, thats just me not liking sex.

I've made new friends, i brought new clothes, lost a bit of weight, changed my hair. i feel better about myself physcially. i know i look alright. i've got more hours at work so i have more money. i started reading again. i used to love reading years ago, then just stopped. but iv started again. i havent been counselling, to be honest im just not really feeling it. i dont just want to talk to someone who will listen. i do that enough now. i talk to my mum, i talk to my friends, it doesnt help though cos it doesnt solve anything.

iv made friends with some of my sisters friends. because all my friends have gone to university. i go out alot, have fun. thats about all i've done really.

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Heather
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If I recall correctly, you were posting here about that relationship well before the last two months, and about how quite a bit of it wasn't going so well.

Let's set things that are about how you look aside for a bit: losing weight, hair changes, clothing. That stuff really isn't about changing how you value yourself and the ways you want others to value you. In fact, I'd posit in some sense it might only support a focus on being wanted sexually or romantically, you know?

I have to confess, I'm a bit confused by what you say about why you don't seek out counseling, since you keep coming here seeking the things out you say you aren't and say you don't think help. You do know that a counselor doesn't just sit and listen, right? And that they have education and training your Mom and friends don't, a very different kind of relationships with you, etc? And that figuring counseling doesn't help because talking to your Mom and friends doesn't isn't sound? That'd be a bit like my saying that when I broke my leg, I didn't think going to the ER would help because my neighbor already washed it up and tried to fix it. Know what I mean?

You say you have no idea what things could be that made you feel valued but didn't require you doing anything that didn't feel good or, well, kept you stuck in the same kind of spot you have been. Want to talk about what some of those things can be?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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i was posting about how i didnt like sex and i became a bit obsessed with not liking it, and i didnt talk to my ex about it properly and it made me upset. and i also probably moaned about him too but it was usually still linked to sex. but aside from that, we were fine. we got on, we laughed, we did things together and we loved each other, and didnt want to be without each other.

well, i also know that i'm an alright person, not just alright looking. I know i can be funny, i know im kind, and people generally like me when they meet me. i know i can have fun with people and yeah. i dunno, i know that im a cool person. but i want other people to like me, if i dont feel valid then whats the point. whats the point in me if i dont affect anyone elses life?

well i've been counselling before. i've seen 2 counsellors plus another counsellor at my old college, so thats 3 counsellors. and i just dont feel like i got much from any of them.

i genuinly dont know what there is that will make me feel valued. i really dont. it sucks because i used to, not just with my ex but with his family too, and the fact i was in his social group, i felt a part of that group, like i was a valid member. but obviously im not in that group anymore. i still get on with them if i happen to see them. but im not a part of them anymore, and its sad and i feel forgotten.

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Heather
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Want them to like you, or have romantic and sexual interest in you: to like you THAT way most of all? Just want to be sure I'm doing my best to get what's going on here.

With the counseling you had before, you'd say you were an active participant? In other words, you really were engaged in the process, stuck with it for a while (at least a few months), etc?

I'm still hearing that it sounds like your concept of being valued is really only about belonging and being liked socially. By all means, that's something that's important to people, and one way we can be and are valuable, but nothing close to the only way. Our value as people -- and TO people -- is so much bigger than just that.

I have some other ideas and thoughts, but I'm feeling like at this stage of the game, especially with you coming here for help but saying...well, help doesn't help you, that I really am very lost about what you're seeking.

So, let's try this: you came here again, seeking something. Can you tell me what that is? If I or anyone else could say exactly what you wanted to hear, what would that be?

[ 10-14-2011, 02:38 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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i want everyone to like me and think im awesome, to put it bluntly haha... i want to be loved. if i dont feel loved then whats the point. i dont just mean sexually/romantically.

i went counselling for about a year and a half.
i also took anti depressants for a period of time too.

yes i like to feel like i belong somewhere. at the moment i feel like i belong nowhere.

to be honest, i probably just want people to say what i want to hear, but at the same time, would know thats what it is and still feel like crap. i dont think anyone can help me. i dont even know what it is that would help me. maybe i'll just feel better as time goes on. i dont know why im talking on here, maybe because i dont want to be forgotten by people on here who have helped me? maybe because like you suggested i just want someone to tell me what i want to hear. i really dont know. i just feel crazy, basically.

i want my ex to just be blunt and say either i want you, or i dont want you. just so i can get on with my life.

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Heather
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Okay, but from us, what IS what you want to hear? That's what I was asking. Can you just take a sec, think of what that would be, and type it out?

(We can tackle the other stuff in a bit, I really want to start with this.)

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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Heather
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Just FYI, I have the coaching I do for myself in a few minutes, so I won't be here for around an hour and a half. Will be back after, though.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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what i want to hear is stuff that will make me feel better. like..

my ex does still want me, he just needs time to sort out his own head, but he was telling the truth and does still love me and miss me. and there is a chance that we could be together again.

i dont like sex simply because i dont like sex, my body just doesnt work like that. if i was told this, i would just accept the fact im never going to enjoy sex, not get frustrated. i just wouldnt bother trying to have sex for pleasure because i know thats never gonna happen. id have sex because its warm and comforting and cuddly.

maybe tell me i have some kind of disorder or soemthing that prevents me from feeling sexual pleasure, for the same reason i said above.

that sex isnt very important in a romantic relationship and is not needed to make it work.

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Heather
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So, let's look at and evaluate this stuff, okay?

quote:
my ex does still want me, he just needs time to sort out his own head, but he was telling the truth and does still love me and miss me. and there is a chance that we could be together again.
I think you know we can't tell you that. The only person who can tell you how your ex really feels is your ex.

That said, I think your ex just gave you very clear messages that he simply does not know what on earth he wants, including you.

As well, there is always a chance we could be in a relationship with anyone. Life is unpredictable. But I think the bigger issue here for you is figuring out if you're -- bluntly -- even equipped to really fully participate in a relationship when you are so dependent on validation from another person, something that is a huge barrier to any relationship being of real quality for everyone in it.

quote:
i dont like sex simply because i dont like sex, my body just doesnt work like that. if i was told this, i would just accept the fact im never going to enjoy sex, not get frustrated. i just wouldnt bother trying to have sex for pleasure because i know thats never gonna happen. id have sex because its warm and comforting and cuddly.
We've actually told you things like this already. We have backed up that yes, it's clear you don't like sex and that yes, it's clear that -- so far, anyway, and probably for a while still -- your body isn't responsive to it and probably won't be. You have been told that by us, but it's clear you haven't accepted that, don't you think?

What we can't tell you or anyone is what your sexual "nevers" are. We lack the crystal ball needed for that function. [Smile]

quote:
maybe tell me i have some kind of disorder or soemthing that prevents me from feeling sexual pleasure, for the same reason i said above.
We have certainly said that this is something we'd advise you evaluate with a sex therapist to find that out. I even, a while back, went to a good deal of effort to help you connect with someone like that.

But we are not the people in a position to diagnose disorders for people. No one online is.

quote:
that sex isnt very important in a romantic relationship and is not needed to make it work.
We have told you that some people absolutely have romantic relationships that sex or some kinds of sex are not part of. We have also told you that while that is so, it won't be so for people who WANT that as part of their romantic relationships, so trying to have that with those people isn't fair or sound for either of you.

* * *

Looking at all of that, what do you think and feel now? What do you think about the things you have already heard, but which have clearly not had the effect you are saying they would when you heard them?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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i still feel like absolute crap. so i suppose i dont really know what i want to hear. i have lost so much more then a boyfriend. iv lost my best friend, a second family who i actually got along with so much better than my own, somewhere to go when i felt down, iv lost a group of friends. they are all going to a gathering at one of their houses tomorrow, i would have been there before. now im not, im sitting at home on my own wondering if they even care that im not there, or think about me.

theres nothing else you can say haha... i think im either gonna have to sort out some therapy or just carry on as things are. i know i annoy everyone, i never actually shut up about all of this and it doesnt matter what anyone says, i still go on and on. so i apologise for that!

i guess im not really in the right state of mind for a relationship. but its still extremely hard not being with him.

and no, i guess i havent accepted i just dont like sex. just wish there was something i could do, but there isnt.

i dont know what to do. get therapy i think must be the only option i have.

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Heather
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I have some suggestions for you, and also an offer to float your way among them.

Interested?

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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yeah, sure
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Heather
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Okay.

First of all, I do think it's possible that you may be someone who is asexual or who may be at least for now. I think we've talked about that before, but that's a term for sexual identity where people just don't want or enjoy sex with others. Now, often that's because they don't experience sexual attraction to others, which is where this is iffy for me. At the same time, I think your emotional need to be sexually wanted is so great, you might be having a hard time figuring out when and if you're earnestly feeling sexual attraction to other people, especially beyond something like "They might or do want me, therefore I am attracted."

But I think it would be a helpful thing for you to look into, and even if this doesn't feel exactly right for you, I think spending a little time talking to people in the asexual community could really be of benefit to you. One of our users wrote a piece on how it benefitted here here: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/politics/space_exploration_what_sexual_people_can_learn_from_asexual_communities

For you, aside of figuring this out, this is also a community of people who often still want romantic relationships or some kind of physical affections but without sex. So, they so totally feel you in that. I think being able to talk to others in the space you've been in with that could give you a good deal. A good place to start is with the forums at AVEN. They're here: http://www.asexuality.org/en/

I also would strongly, strongly suggest you look into even just a little bit of volunteer work, maybe even one day a month, time we all can make. I think it'd be really good for you, and of course, good for whoever you're helping, however you are helping them. It could be one place you could experience being valued with positives, without sex or romance or social status stuff, and where you'd be benefitting while benefitting others who really need you at the same time. What do you think?

Lastly, here's my offer. I have a coach myself, who I use to work mostly around work stuff, but that's not really what she usually does. What she usually does is more of what you need: working with people with their sexuality and who they are as people and the quality of their lives. She does online sessions via Skype (which is free), and I would be happy to use a tiny purse Scarleteen keeps to financially help users who need things to pay for half of one session for you. With the exchange rate, since she's in the US, your half would be pocket change, seriously.

Just one session. Just to see what it's like to start something like this with someone I know, personally and professionally, is excellent. If you want to look her up, here's her webpage: http://leelalifecoaching.com/blog/

What do you think?

Just so you know, none of this is about annoyance.

What it is about is a) concerns about just enabling you to stay stuck, something we don't ever want to do and b) sometimes feeling that it seems like when we do what we can to get you started on the things to help yourself, you don't follow through with your part of the work. The problem with that on your end is that you stay stuck. The problem on our end is that we can't do this for you, and suggesting the same things again and again with you keeping coming back without trying any of them makes a lot of this very fruitless for both of us. Know what I mean?

If you do, I think it might be helpful to realize that not only is therapy your only option, even that option isn't likely to be of any use to you if the option you don't exercise is really making changes for yourself. Some big ones, too. trying things again you have discomfort with or resistance to but which might help. Trying things that might unstick patterns that you know don't have you feeling good, but which you are just clinging hard to, probably because you're at least used to them. Trying to let go of things you know have not been working for you instead of doing them again and again. Without you doing things like that? Therapy or counseling or coaching really isn't even a real option because really participating in those things requires things like this.

[ 10-14-2011, 05:51 PM: Message edited by: Heather ]

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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okay.
i really think id be interested in all of that. i have read that article, and im going to have a look at AVEN.
this is starting to take over my life and i obviously need some help, i know i do.
i've never used skype, im not sure how it works but im sure i can figure it out, but that would be really cool if i could take you up on that offer [Smile] would it be alright if i just let you know when? when i get paid from my part time job at the end of the month?

i want and need to do some volunteer work anyway, im not sure if it still counts as something you think would help me but i want to work with animals. so maybe volunteer work at a vets/animal shelter?

and i know exactly what you mean. i know i do that, people give me advice all the time but i always come back, and say the same things with no improvements.

it will be very hard for me to let everything go, from your last paragraph i guess you are saying, i need to let go of everything i've been doing and behaving like in regards to this and literally start from scratch? from the very beginning. but im going to have to and i know that.

thank you so much [Smile]

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Heather
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You're very welcome. And by all means, let me know about that offer whenever. I'd also be happy to put you in touch with Leela via email if you want to ask her anything first as you consider this.

I totally think volunteering at an animal shelter counts! (I'd do it myself, save that I know it would mean my house would itself become an animal shelter -- more of one than it already is -- in about two seconds flat.) I think that's a great plan.

How about you just sit with all of this for a day or two, those last thoughts. maybe you do need to start from scratch, and if so, what happens when you think about that as having a fresh start? As potentially being able to just ditch what is holding you back and be able to explore what won't? Still can feel scary, I know, but that sounds like a pretty cool opportunity to me.

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Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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georgiexx
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that would be cool if i could get in touch with her through email?
ahh good, i love animals, i think i love animals more than people.. [Smile]
ok well im just gonna think about all this for the next couple days like you said. the thought of starting from scratch makes me feel very sad because it feels like i need to erase things/people from my life [Frown] kind of in a weird way. but the thought of doing something which might make me happy and be able to get on with life, makes me feel a little more positive.

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Heather
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Yep. Shes: leela@leelalifecoaching.com

And I would see if you can't think of that as something different than erasing.

Try something like thinking of it of things you put away to make room for new things that are a better fit for you. When we put things away, we're not erasing them. They're on this shelf or that one, and we can leave them up there forever or bring them back down if we really want to.

But when we need to put things away because they're not healthy for us in big ways, once we get healthier, we likely won't want to take them down. But even then, we can still remember and look at the things on that shelf, recognize their value, if any. Not erased. Just put away, and to make room for stuff we'll probably like even more than the stuff on the shelf.

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

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