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» Got Questions? Get Answers. » EXPERT ADVICE » Ask Scarleteen » So sexuality what would you percieve me to be

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Author Topic: So sexuality what would you percieve me to be
hvnsg8
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Member # 79010

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Today, random thoughts of me kissing my friends came into my mind. I don't think they turned me on and I know for sure they made me feel very uncomfortable and I really wanted them to stop (and then thoughts came rushing into my head like "I like this, don't I. I must be a lesbian.". Up until a girl called me a lesbian right before summer, I had always known I was straight. I only had crushes on boys (infact I had a HUGE crush on Robert Pattinson and just this year before summer, I had a huge crush on this boy on my class but that stopped when I found out he was a player. When I see a cute boy I uncontrollably smile but when I see a girl now and think I might like her (which actually I think I'm mistaking wanting to be like the girl/wanting to have her clothes for affection) I don't feel like smiling and I get this "artificial blush" (I can tell it's just not a real blush- I've blushed around male crushes before and blushing is a good feeling that makes me want to smile. Around a girl I don't have the feeling to smile. I'm not sure if it's just my own mind playing tricks on me or if I really am interested in girls. When I'm convinced I'm straight I feel happy but when I think I'm lesbian I'm really depressed. My teacher even asked me if I was alright and she sad I looked really off today. Since I'm only human I always think ofthe worst scenario- in this case being a lesbian. I don't want to be and honestly I'm slowly starting to think I'm straight again (I'm like a turtle popping in and out of it's shell) because today I was finally partially-convinced that I only find men sexually attractive and any blush feeling towards women I feel is because I want to look like them. I usually would go all out to look like them, but recently I've just gave up and tried to accept the fact that I can't look like everyone. But for some reason I still think about myself with a girl even though I don't want to. When I do think about it I'm not sure if I really am getting aroused or if I'm just mistaking a feeling of embarrassment and fear for arousal. I still have never had a crush on a girl and I very, VERY rarely find girls without make-up attractive. Do you think I am straight? I know I have normal OCD and some other psychosis, just so you know. I find guys very funny (I don't really find girls funny) and I love humor and I found out that I admire alot about guys and If I refer back to 4 months ago before that comment, I was happy chasing after boys and day dreaming about them. Romance is the centre of my life. [Smile] I never want to experiment but it's like there's a voice in the back of my head convincing me that I really do and that I really like girls but I REALLY want to spend my life with a man. Is it possible that I'm over thinking and confusing wanting to be like someone (look wise) for wanting to be with them? Do YOU think I'm straight? (If it were up to me I'd WANT to be straight. Infact hopefully I am and if I could right now I'd sell my soul to be able to forget about this and be straight without any doubts)At this point is it possible that I'll still b straight? I don't feel comfortable saying I'm a lesbian or being with a girl... I don't know why but I just really don't. I don';t want to be lesbian and have always thought I was straight. I've never kissed/had sexual encounters with anyone. I don't want to experiment with girls and I do want to kiss a boy really badly so I know what it's like. If I kiss a boy and like it will that help clear things up? A guy answered the question I asked on a different sight and got me very confident that I really am still straight. He told me that since I still seemed interested in men it was a very good sign that I'm likely to turn out straight. Also, I'm 13 and pueberty just kicked in last year (and I still liked boys then, too! More confidence~ [Big Grin] ) When I don't see an attractive boy in my class I get uneasy and wonder if I'm interested in girls or not (even if I don't find them attractive I still wonder if maybe I really do- it's really confusing and I've been really depressed lately and hoping to get on anidepressants or something to help cope with my OCD and other disorders. If I fear being a lesbian does that mean that I am one? I don't judge people for being gay but I seem to fear myself being gay. I don't like the thought of not being interested in men and because of thst I stress out about it. It seems I can't really thing for myself and am always looking at other people to guide me. Do you think that's why this comment had me doubt that maybe I really was what she told me I was- if you knew me personally you'd know how gullible I am.
Posts: 3 | From: Canada | Registered: Sep 2011  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
Heather
Executive Director & Founder
Member # 3

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We're having a conversation with you about these issues and concerns in two other threads already.

So, I'm going to close this one, but how about if you just copy anything from it you don't feel you brought up already into one of your other existing threads, okay? Thanks!

--------------------
Heather Corinna, Executive Director & Founder, Scarleteen
About Me • Get our book!
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Posts: 68208 | From: An island near Seattle | Registered: May 2000  |  IP: Logged | Report this post to a Moderator
   

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